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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to contact even though I'm not "busy"

17 replies

PolarIceBears · 18/03/2013 15:24

My ex see's 10m/o very on and off, pretty much ignores her unless telling her to be quiet, and spends contact questioning me about what I've been doing and making comments about me instead.

Since she was 4m/o I have repeatedly said, every time he texts, to give 3 days notice before he wants to visit/meet up. But this has NEVER happened. He can't stick to set days because of work being shifts, but gets his work pattern 2 weeks in advance and "forgets" it every single visit.

I hadn't heard from him for nearly 4 weeks, and he's just texted saying "can I see DD tomorrow?". I haven't specifically got anything planned, so I feel like I should say yes, but I'm just so fed up of not being able to think "Oh I'll do the shopping then/we can go swimming then" etc with day to day things, as it could change last minute if he decides to text.

AIBU to say no to tomorrow, and just repeat "you need to give me at least 3 days notice" when he asks what I'm doing and what time I'm home etc?

OP posts:
SanityClause · 18/03/2013 15:30

Not at all unreasonable. And if he asks what you are doing, then say "it's none of your business." And just keep saying the bit about 3 days notice.

Perhaps you could text each week to ask if he knows his next shift pattern, and wants to put some dates in the diary. That way, you are the reasonable one, and if it ever comes to a court order, you will be able to show that, which is likely to work in your favour.

Booyhoo · 18/03/2013 15:37

Not UR.

my EXP does exactly this and i have repeatedly asked for 2 days notice. he always just texts saying "are the boys free?" (meaning right this minute!) and i always give in and say he can take them but i think i will start being firm because like you i always feel i cant make plans incase he decides to have them.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 18/03/2013 15:40

Yanbu, I do the same sometimes.

For example, in half term, ex said he'd have the DC on weds. He didn't show up, and when I text asking what time he'd pick them up he replied 'not today now tomorrow instead'

So I sent back 'sorry they're busy' even though our plans could easily have been changed. I'm feed up of sitting around waiting for him to not show our canceling plans last min to suit him

NotADragonOfSoup · 18/03/2013 15:43

TBH, it seems a bit petty if you're not doing anything.

Having said that, if it were me I would arrange something so I was genuinely busy.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/03/2013 15:48

Yanbu.

You have repeatedly asked him to give notice,it is generally considered to be acceptable to expect notice should the matter go to court.

So do not be available unless he gives notice. The only exception to this would be Father's Day but not because you have to just because its nice to.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/03/2013 16:10

I don't think it's petty at all.
YANBU and if you've asked for 3 days notice then don't give in.
It will be like this forever otherwise.
I like the other suggestion, texting once a week to see if he has any dates ready.

raspberryroop · 18/03/2013 16:15

I would text at the start of the week as suggested and that would be it.

Original poster
PolarIceBears · 18/03/2013 16:16

I did the texting if I hadn't heard from him for over a week to see when he was visiting for the first 4 months, but then I started to feel a bit like I was harassing him as I didn't get a single reply. Should I start doing that again do you think just to show I'm trying to organise visits, or is it a bit pointless when I know he won't reply?

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 18/03/2013 16:16

PolarIceBears
spends contact questioning me about what I've been doing and making comments about me instead.

Don't answer his questions and ignore his comments; he doesn't need to know what you're doing, the contact is actually for the benefit of your child, not for him to keep tabs on you.

YourHandInMyHand · 18/03/2013 16:17

YANBU.

The idea of texting once a week is a good one. Shows you are offering contact doesn't it.

As for him questioning you and not interacting with child apart from telling her to be quiet Angry I'd ask your HV or women's aid for advice on any local contact centres and in the mean time refuse to answer any personal questions.

MothershipG · 18/03/2013 16:19

YANBU or petty! He is an adult, he knows his work days 2 weeks in advance, he manages to get to work on the right days so he is patently capable of making arrangements and sticking to them.

YourHandInMyHand · 18/03/2013 16:19

Just send 1 text, once a week. Maybe on a sunday afternoon? Keep one as a template and just hit send, whether you get a reply or not doesn't matter. It covers your back. Sounds to me like he is only using contact as a way to keep tabs on you and control you!

StuntGirl · 18/03/2013 16:31

Text or email once a week and say "What days would you like to see [daughter's name] this week?"

Reply to any last minute texts with "That isn't convenient for us. I need 3 days notice. What days would you like to arrange to see her next week?"

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

StuntGirl · 18/03/2013 16:35

Also is there any way the contact can take place somewhere else? I wouldn't be letting this man in my house.

ChocolateCoins · 18/03/2013 16:37

Ditto stuntgirl.

HerrenaHarridan · 18/03/2013 16:43

Yanbu. And repeat 3 days notice.
Yy to texting him once a week

FryOneFatManic · 18/03/2013 18:20

Agree, send the texts and keep a record of what you're offering and what contact he actually takes up.

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