DDs adopted sister wants contact. I know I'm being U.

[NameChangee]

My dd is 5. She is adopted and has lived with us since birth. She has 8 full/half birth siblings. I know the whereabouts of 4 of them. She has letterbox contact with 1.

She has 4 much older (mid to late 20s) half siblings. I know their birth names, some pre-adoption history and what county they were adopted in but that is all.

This morning I had a phone call from a SW to say one of them has contacted her to say she wants contact with my dd, I will call this person D.

The SW has suggested she ask D to write a letter which will go in my DDS file. Then when she is 18 DD can contact D if she wants to. I have agreed to this.

I am just really shocked at my feelings about this. I want to scoop my precious dd up and scream "leave her alone, she's my dd and nothing to do with anyone else". I don't understand why I feel like this. I happily promote contact with her birth parents and another sibling.
It's just really strange to think that other adults can get in touch with a SW who has never met me or dd and demand contact.

I know that it's probably a good thing. One day dd will want to meet her birth siblings and I would always support that, so why on earth do I feel so protective.
I guess it's kind of like someone saying "well actually she's not really yours". But she is mine and I hate that people she has never met feel they have a right to see her. Before anyone flames me I totally understand that D is only showing natural curiosity about her birth family. I know she has also traced her birth mother (which is how she found out about dd) and her birth father (not DDs father) who I don't know personally but is a nasty piece of work.

I know D is in contact with the 3 other older siblings. I allow DD to have direct contact twice a year with her birth mother. I just feel that things will spiral out of my control now. BM could and would share photos and information about my DD with D and possibly the other siblings. I believe D lives 100s of miles from me. But her birth mother and father live in my town. I am just imagining D and the other siblings possibly just turning up on my doorstep or hanging around my house to see DD god I am being a complete nutter. What about facebook, not a problem now for DD but in future they could contact her that way.

Sorry, I am really waffling. If you have got this far please hand me a grip and tell me I'm being an idiot.

No, you're not being an idiot and I can understand your feelings. I don't know anything about adoption though, but others will.

Would you prefer chocolate or gin with your grip? :)

Thank you Baroness, could I be terribly rude and have both please.

I have no real advice, but didn't want to read and run ....

What a difficult situation. It sounds like you are doing the right thing - giving your DD the choice when she's older. It's natural to feel protective over her, and probably a good thing to acknowledge your feelings rather than try to bottle them up.

All your instincts are about protecting your DD, and I guess part of that protection is helping to guide her through the fact that she has had this start in life -which means she was adopted, and has lots of siblings and relatives that, at some point, she might want to contact. It's also that start in life that brought you two together. You will always be her mother.

They are not going to turn up at your door - surely they can't be told where you live? When the time comes for FB etc perhaps you will be able to talk about the possible consequences with your DD. She will probably have an opinion on how much contact she wants, and how.

i think it's perfectly natural to feel like this, but also that you have to let it pass and realise that DD is your daughter, you're the one who's there for her day to day, and you're the person who she turns to when she is upset, when she needs help, when she's proud of something. You're also the person she needs to help her understand the complexities of the world, including her own origins. That's an important part of your role as her mother.

I think you sound like a lovely and very caring mum!

Deep breaths OP, calm down.
It's natural to be protective of your dd, nobody would blame you for that.
But realistically, i don't think that D is just going to show up on your doorstep or start stalking your family. the fact that D is going through the SW, would suggest to me that she wants to do things properly.
Chances are this is probably the last you will hear of it until dd is old enough to decide whether she wants to find out about her birth family.

My sisted has just adopted a little boy and will face all these concerns at some point, however we have discussed her worries, concerns and possible situations that may well remind her that her son (and he IS her son) had a life and family before he came to them, and it will always sting.

This isn't your childs fault, or yours, and it isn't your child's half sister's fault either, and while I think 18 is possibly too long, I also think you're right not to wish regular contact from a half sister until your child is much older, so perhaps be flexible, the best gauge would be when your child says they would like to meet their siblings and half siblings, then is the time to reconsider.

I appreciate it's very very difficult and I do believe that you do have to draw a line as regards birth families, you're not a fosterer, your child is yours (not in an ownership sense but certainly in a parental one!)...

I understand the need for in some cases, birth family to still be involved, but I also see the benefits of a 'clean break' until the child is grown. I can't imagine what you're going through, and think the system is flawed as adoptive parent you ARE parent, you are a new life.

Your feelings are not U at all. You are experiencing maternal instinct over your precious child, and really that is probably THE most reasonable thing in the world.

I'm sure you're not being unreasonable with the way you feel.

But D hasn't 'demanded' anything. All D has done is inquire about contacting a sibling.

Wow tricky situation and that?s lots of siblings who may want to get in touch at some point. I?m guessing your DD is the youngest of all the children from the birth parents?

I?m kind of with aldi that 18 feels like a very long time, seen as she?s only 5. But my gut feeling would be that at 5 your DD is too young to have direct contact with her adult sibling anyway. I mean she?s hardly going to be able to have meaningful conversations via email with her is she?

I don?t think YABU and I can I imagine you are feeling a bit of ?woah, I?m not sure I really want all this family turning up just yet thanks? because after all they will become your family through your DD as she gets older and potentially chooses to have a relationship with them.

Stick with your approach of ?letters in DD?s file? but maybe pass back through SW that should DD get curious about family before she?s 18 then you?ll be supportive of that and help her to get in touch if that?s what she wants. Then repeat per every sibling that initiates contact.

That's exactly how I feel mimi.

I did tell the SW that should dd be interested before she gets to 18 we would re-assess the situation.

It would be so easy for her birth family to find her. You only need to google her name and you get a load of newspaper articles with photos of her, the name of the road we live in and her school. Bloody internet it's not always a good thing.

Thanks for the supportive comments,