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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to change DS's last name?

15 replies

Poppet48 · 18/03/2013 12:16

DS had his Dads last name, ExF left me 4 weeks pregnant with DS out of the blue.

I am now 21 weeks pregnant and I have tried so hard to get ExF to give us a chance but I realise that I am going to have to look into a future with just Me, DS and the baby.

So I don't know if IABU but I want to change DS's last name because...

ExF told me to abort the baby even though we planned to have another and said that he doesn't want to have anything to do with him/her.

I do not want to have two children with different last names if I were to name the baby after me.

I don't want to have to name the baby after ExF as he has already said that he wants nothing to do with them and I will be going through a lot emotionally as I just want us to be a family again so it would upset me having to register the baby under ExF's name.

If I name the baby after ExF then I will have a different last name to them when they start nursery/school etc and I am not comfortable with this as I don't want them to have to answer questions which may upset them.

I told ExF and he is flat out refusing so AIBU to want to change DS's last name before the baby is born?

OP posts:

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 18/03/2013 12:19

Is your ex the father of your DS, and if so, does he have parental responsibility? If so, you'll need his permission to change your DS's surname. Is he likely to give permission?

If not, just give the new baby your surname, explain to both kids as hey get older, then when DS is legally old enough he can change hs own unnamed if he wants.

But as it stands, if your ex has PR he has to give his permission.

kinkyfuckery · 18/03/2013 12:19

You have to jump through a lot more hoops than that to change your DS's name.
I'd give the baby your name when it's born if you can't agree with your ex.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 18/03/2013 12:20

he can change his own name, ffs

Original poster

Poppet48 · 18/03/2013 12:21

He is the father to both children and he does have parental responsibility.

I have the papers and I asked ExF to sign them at the weekend and he refused.

OP posts:

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 18/03/2013 12:22

Also, sorry you're going through this. I was left at 17 weeks pregnant so understand what you're going through.

Moominsarescary · 18/03/2013 12:26

If he's on the bc you will need his permission.

He could decide to change his last name when he's old enough. Or ask if you can add your last name on to your dcs surname and give the baby your last name also.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 18/03/2013 13:30

To be honest, if he's still involved with DC1 then I can understand him not wanting to give his permission. I mean, would you, if the roles were reversed? I know I wouldn't.

I think all you can do is see what the next few years hold. If he isn't involved with either DC then I think there's some way you can apply to a court to change DC1's name - I read about it on here but don't know the full details, sorry. However if he's involved, then no court will see the fact that you want to have the same name as your DC as reason to change it, unless your ex agrees it can be done.

This is why I can never understand why unmarried women give their DC the father's name because even if you're engaged, it doesn't mean you'll get married knows this from bitter experience. With regard to the baby you're carrying, think long and hard about what you name him/her.

ErikNorseman · 18/03/2013 15:16

YABU
You don't really have the right to do this. You just need to deal with having two different surnames, it's not a big deal really. I don't like people changing their DC surnames before they are old enough to choose themselves,it feels like changing a bit of their identity without their consent. A surname isn't a label, it doesn't denote who DC belong to.

sarahtigh · 18/03/2013 16:00

I would give your unborn child your surname whether you name ex as father on birth certificate is up to you but naming him as father does not mean he gets to choose surname

he has to go with you to register birth to have his name on certificate you can not name him in absence, if named he will have parental respionsibility

I can understand ex refusing to sign to allow you to change DS surname; courts unlikely to allow change if he still has contact

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/03/2013 16:07

Your a bit of a idiot if he does not have PR and is not a decent dad and your actually trying to put him into a legal position where he can cause you problems with your day to day parenting.

If he does not have pr then change it,its nothing to do with him and he can't stop you.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/03/2013 16:10

But if he does have pr then you don't stand a chance without his consent until the child is about 14 and requests it himself even then its not guaranteed

StuntGirl · 18/03/2013 16:16

You need his permissin I'm afraid.

StuntGirl · 18/03/2013 16:16

*permission

LittleMissFantabulous · 18/03/2013 16:18

You do not have to use the name on the birth certificate. If your ex refuses a formal name change then just leave it and change to yours for general use. My name on my birth certificate is different to every other piece of documentation I have. I have never been adopted and I have never had a legal name change.

ChocolateCoins · 18/03/2013 16:25

It's a tricky one. On the one hand, id hate for my children to have different surnames.

But on the other hand, my DPs father walked out on him when he was a baby but had his surname. He never used it. His mum asked schools ect to refer to him as her maiden name, which they did. He then changed it legally when he was old enough. No one knew that the maiden name wasn't his real name.

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