Aibu to ask him for more help?

[nothingisnothing]

For a while now i've been getting fed up of having to think up and make the evening meals 7 days a week. My partner never has any suggestions of what to cook(which i would be glad to recieve) and we both get bored of eating the same things week in week out. It's even harder when his 10year old ds comes to stay has he's fussy and wants what he wants. I refuse to cook different meals but always try to cook something he will like.
So, at the new year i asked if he would take over cooking dinner at the weekends (he works all week so i thought this would be reasonable) to give me a break. He agreed but it's kind of backfired on me. He doesn't organise himself to think about what we're going to eat that evening and take the necessary ingredients out of the freezer so we end up with take out which we can't really afford. I'm secretly getting angry at him because he's not putting the effort in So i gave in and started planning things for him. What he does then is doesn't start to make it until like 8pm in the evening when i'm complaining that i'm hungry or doesn't bother at all and it's take out again.
Now i'm 6months into mat leave and our little one is starting to eat solids (BLW) so i have told him i'm trying to get a routine where we eat at 5pm every day once he's home from work so lo can eat with us before his bath and bed. Any later is too late for baby.
I've kept my routine up but at the weekends it just goes out of the window. For instance, Saturday evening i asked what we were having for t. 'I dunno' was the reply. The fridge was stocked with plenty of things. I said 'well you're going to have to hurry because lo needs t and it's getting late and i'm hungry too'
I don't think he heard any of this as i ended up making lo something at 6pm and after lots of huffing, puffing and complaints of hunger from me he made me an omlette at 8.30pm!!!! He had nothing himself until 10.30pm - 3 slices of toast and that was the 1st thing he'd eaten that day!!!
I just feel that he's being very lazy and unfair.
Also i want to ask that we make a rule that whoever cooks - the other washes up, and in the same evening (another reason to eat earlier too) because as it is, I'm doing everything ontop of all the other household chores. Just because i'm on mat leave doesn't mean i should do EVERYTHING does it??

Just read through it all and realised how long it is...Apologies for that, i guess i just need to let off some steam.
Your advice is much appreciated :)x

Well, since he agreed to cook at the weekend and he isn't; I'd not cook for him during the week. And when he complains, tell him that that is how it felt to you when he abdicated at the weekend.

Is there anything else around the house that your DP is more willing to do such as laundry/ironing/hoovering/cleaning bathrooms that you can trade with? It really sounds like a losing battle with the cooking if he's so not fussed about food that he will eat toast himself. TBH I think it's unrealistic for 2 adults and a baby to eat dinner at 5pm, there's no way I would be hungry enough to eat then. I tend to have a cup of tea and sit at the table with DD and I do try and have lunch with her.

However, doing the dishes if you've cooked is only fair, he should really do that. What kind of food are you cooking that you really don't want to do it on weekends? I cook a bunch of veg and pasta or rice for DD which then lasts her for a few days and I reheat as necessary. I keep basics like cream cheese and tinned tomatoes for sauces.

I would be tempted to tell DP if he doesn't want to cook he can take the baby out for 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning and leave you to it so you can batch cook for the week in peace. But then maybe I'm weird and I like cooking but hate other housework.

I think on the surface YANBU but it depends how he is round the house the rest of the time. My DP is lovely and does more than his fair share of household stuff, but he's really not a cook. At all. And 'getting the takeaway' (and Sunday breakfast bizarrely, I hate making cooked breakfasts) is the only 'cooking' he does.

But I don't mind this because I like cooking and, as I say, he does loads of other things.

So if your DP is good in other areas, I think you might have to suck this one up - some people geniunely have no interest in cooking/eating.

However, if he doesn't do anything else then YANBU. And of course he should do the dishes if you cook.

Stop calling it 'helping' you. He sees it as a favour, you see it as a favour. Favours are done out of the kindness of your heart. Housework is done because you have joint responsibility for your family.

We have the rule whoever cooks doesn't wash up. It works okay. However dh tends to shove everything in the dishwasher (so leaves it for me to do) whereas I tend to wash up pans etc. as I go along so I have more surface space, and he then finds he has to clear the draining rack before he can wash up.

The problem with him cooking at the weekend is that, firstly I find it much easier to cook if I've done the shopping. It drives me crazy when dh has kindly done the shopping, I then find what I will make with the ingredients he's bought has one vital ingredient not there, so I have to think about what I'm making rather than just do it on autopilot. (not that I've told dh!)
Other thing is that I suspect he sees it as you then having the weekend off. So (in his eyes) he works all week and is then expected to do all the cooking (ie not time off) for the weekend.

What I'd suggest is sitting down and asking if he can take on a job you don't like, if he doesn't want to do the cooking. Or do as someone else suggested and he gets "daddy time" away from the house with the dc while you cook.

I found as well when the dc were small a very good method of getting him doing something was "I'm just doing dc's bath/going up to the shops/emptying bins, can you do XXX while I'm doing this?"

He particularly hated changing dirty nappies, so I used to ask him to change the nappy while I did something I hated doing (Like emptying bins-loath it!). He'd always offer to do the other thing. He thought he'd got a deal there, whereas I knew I'd got what I wanted too.

Thanks everyone for your responses thought yours was quite funny whereyouleftit however i couldn't be like that...i haven't got to that stage of anger lol
Around the house he's not all that good. Don't get me wrong, if i ask him to do something it's pretty much always done. But i hate asking as i feel, as you say MrsTerryPratchett, asking makes it seem like a favour and the responsibility is joint.
The only jobs he does without asking is take the rubbish out and clean the dining room which is his dog's 'kennel' so to speak. But that isn't done often enough for my liking.
So, i think i'm going to suggest to him that i do all the cooking and he does all the washing up...i think i'd be happy with that.
And, since the dog has been abandoned - when i met him he walked her at least twice a day now it's nothing and shes just sat in the dining room all the time which is really cruel imo. That is partly my fault too because she has a skin condition which we try to keep under control (he's even stopped seeing to that tbh) and because of this i wont allow her in the carpeted living room. She scrapes her smelly flaky belly all over the carpet and i find it discusting - especially we now have lo. - So i'm going to ask him to start walking her again and mop her kennel/my dining room weekly and a good clean every other, or have her rehomed because it's just not fair to her. Does that sound reasonable?
I don't mean to sound like i'm cruel myself but i'm not walking her (i do occasionally take her to the shop with me) because if i start, then it'll be another thing left to me.
:) x

Am on ML. I'm trying to take the chance to clear out some junk cupboards, sort clothes into ages/seasons, cook from scratch for LO, take him swimming/playgroups, do homework with ds1 - in other words I have very busy days doing consructive things. I hate HATE having to start the day rebuilding the house from mess caused the night before that should have been tidied the night before. I don't imagine your dh would like it if someone went into his workplace in the evening, messed things up, and then expected him to sort it in the morning!

I'm finding menu planning a godsend (thanks mumsnet) and also saves money. In your case, you could print a sheet out perhaps and fill in the meals you choose for mon-fri. Then ask him to fill in what the weekend meals are going to be, before you go shopping. Then he might be a bit faster getting the dinner on, since it's already planned!
It does sound like he is being resisitant with the aim that you just stop asking him to do it. I don't think in the long run it's good for anyone to never take a turn cooking, you would become really deskilled at it.

Your poor dog.

Could your husband have depression? The cooking sounds lazy but not walking the dog sounds like a different ball game, especially since your husband has had her for a while.

Oh your poor poor dog, please make sorting her out your priority.

I think him washing up is not only fair enough but also respectful. I can't imagine cooking for everyone, which I do every day, then cleaning up after them. DH does the washing up and cleans the surfaces.

In a few months you and your LO are going to want to be out in the fresh air every day (I know DD and I are) so you could take the dog with you if it is well behaved. DH should be doing it now. I'm a bit for your dog.

I feel sorry for the dog too. I'm not a dog lover tbh. Mostly because i can't be arsed with the responsibility. He got her when his ds was born and has had her for 10 years now (he moved in with me 2yrs ago).
Shes a lovely little thing - a very friendly staff. It's just a shame about her skin condition otherwise i would let her into the living room.
When he moved to my town - a few months before we got together - he was going to have her rehomed but his little lad was a bit upset about it, so he kept her. In my eyes, that's the only reason why she's here and it bugs me that the son doesn't even bother with her either!
I will have to have a talk with dp. I don't think he's depressed, he's definately slipping into laziness.
Back to the cooking.... Although i really wanted to tell him how mad i've been over the situation, i just thought there was no point in creating an argument and simply asked what the problem was with him cooking at the weekend. He said it's because he never knows what to make (grrrrr!! I've bloody sorted it so all he has to do is cook it and he still puts it off!!!) so i said 'well, how about i do all the cooking and you do all the washing up?'
'Alright then' he says
'But it has to be done that evening'
'Oh well that's not fair. I'll just do it the day after'

Staying calm i told him it has to be done in the same evening because i don't want my kitchen in a mess all day plus i'll end up washing up because i need to use the pans etc too cook and i will resent that.
So that was that..whether it will happen i don't know. What i do know is i certainly won't be holding back if he doesn't follow through.
x

I've had to get used to asking as I don't think 'most' (yes, there'll be some who do) men see what needs doing iyswim. My dh will do things like fill the dishwasher or washing machine as he can see the full baskets, or the dishes but he wouldn't get out the polish or glass cleaner and run over the living room without being asked - he just doesn't see the dust like I do.

You could always look at it like this - if you do the cooking on the weekends aswell as the weekdays, that means dh has to do the washing up (going by the one cooks, one clears rule) then you get to relax a bit more after your meal - dh has to get up at some point to do all the dishes/load the washer/wipe the surfaces. I do all the cooking (not well, mind - i'm no delia by any means) and dh loads the washer so after tea, I get to relax a bit while dh has to get up again and clear up.

He sounds like a lazy git. I'd be having a serious talk about responsibilities. But I'm sure you'll talk and rant and he'll agree and then do nothing, and you'll stay in the cycle forever.

By the way it isn't 'help' - it's doing his fair share.

Kafri do you think that if a man's job relied on 'seeing' the mess or their marriage or their sex life, they would magically start? Because I do. We have all been conned. Men run the world, politically, economically, militarily. From a psychological POV their pattern recognition and visual acuity has been shown in tests to be as high or higher than women's. Men also run most of the kitchen that are the 'best' in the world. Are they clean? The male chefs I know are absolutely obsessed with cleanliness in their kitchens. Ever seen a formula 1 pit run by men, or a science lab or a forensics lab? All clean.

Men can 'see' mess. Some chose not to because they don't respect the people they live with.

OK, I stand corrected

Its just my DH then! Like I said he does absolutely ANYTHING I ask him to around the house but doesn't tend to see that they need doing unless it's blindingly obvious. If he refused or was reluctant to do them then I would class that as lack of respect but given he will happily do them when pointed out then I just accept it as one of those things.
I work on the idea that i'm not perfect so can't expect him to be. It's not the end of the world that I ask him to do a few chores rather than him just doing them - i'd rather that than many other traits he could have...

I think the meal plan suggestion is a good one and so is getting him to do the washing up. As for the dog.....it is cruelty and even if you aren't a dog lover I don't know how you can bear to stay in the house with an unwalked dog. It is torturous for a dog to be confined and unwalked. Surely you can build a 30 minute walk into your day with it? Sorry, I know you posted about the cooking but I think that's secondary to the lack of exercise for the dog

Meal plan for him. Have all the ingredients ready and tell him what he is cooking and for what time on what day. Pin it on the fridge if necessary

Alternatively write out all the jobs and ask him to help you draw up a rota so that he knows what he is doing chore wise on each day. He may opt not to cook possibly but f he is doing other things, thats fine.

My DH commutes far but wants to do half an hour a day of chores just to help me. It's only a short amount of time but then he is out of the house 13 hours a day.

Some people are just rubbish in the kitchen, and if they don't actually care about nice food ie eating toast for dinner, then you're probably fighting a losing battle.

I do the cooking and dh cleans up. I think I get the better deal as I am a better cook than him (he's totally useless in fact) and cleaning up comprises of stacking dishwasher, wiping table, cleaning floor around where dcs sit, general tidying and emptying bin. Cooking is easy in comparison.

Get yourself a slow cooker and slow cooker recipe book (or google for recipes, there's millions of them). He only then has to toss the ingredients in the pot in the morning, and cook a bit of rice or pasta before serving.

Best inventions ever. If you double the recipes, you can also freeze half to use for a meal later. They also mean cooking in one pot, so less mess to clean up. And your house smells great all day.

Just thought I'd add - make a vegetable quiche/pie for your LO. One day a week I cook up a huge batch of different vegies (usually 7-8 different types), and then layer then in a baking tray, top it off with beaten egg, bit of cheese on top, then bake it. When cooled, cut it in to squares and freeze individually in ziplock bags. You can take one out each morning and defrost, then reheat for dinner. Cook up a bit of meat if you like, and dinner is done.

I also make up bulk batches of corn breads, banana breads and zucchini bread and bake them in mini muffin trays. A put one of each in a little ziplock bag and freeze them. Each night, I take one out, and that's the snacks for the next day for DS. I can bake enough in about two hours to last me the better part of a month.

If you make fresh pasta, you can also make little raviolis or other stuffed pasta and freeze. A little mince and some veges for the filling, make them up, and freeze in ziplock bags again (no I don't have shares in ziplock, I promise!!) and you can take one out in the morning to defrost for dinner. A few minutes in boiling water and they're done. A bit messy, but my DS loves them.

YANBU. He sounds seriously lazy and it would drive me round the twist. I woud feel really taken for granted. I'm on maternity leave at the moment too and I do everything during the week (DH works very long hours...he's not usually around in the evenings till after DC are in bed) and it is exhausting! But my DH does loads at the weekend. He cooks (but to be fair he LOVES cooking...his way of relaxing) and does the kids' bathtime and will often take them out too (all out of choice as he feels he misses out during the week) to give me a chance to give the tidy up the mess we've created during the week break. I think I would be a broken woman if I didn't get that help at the weekend.

BUT I think it's fair to assume that food/cooking isn't your DP's thing so I would give him some other responsibilities, like cleaning up, vacuuming, ironing...any help around the house sounds like it would really ease your workload. Or could he do bathtime and bedtime with your lo if he doesn't already?

However, I do think it's a little unrealistic (or it certainly would be in our household) to try and get everyone eating together at 5pm. My DH isn't around at that time during the week, but even if he was we wouldn't want to eat at that time. Apart from anything our dinner is OUR time. I sit down with my DC at their teatime (my 8mo is doing BLW too) but I don't eat with them.

OP, PLEASE, PLEASE get your dog's skin seen to, and for the love of heaven make sure someone is taking the poor creature for a walk regularly. As an adult living in the house with the animal, even though it wasn't yours originally, you are as responsible as your DP. It is cruel for this poor dog to be confined to your dining room and never go out. There are plenty of MNetters with small DC who also manage to walk their dogs regularly. And I can't even imagine how itchy and painful the poor dog's skin must be. If it is smelly, that is because it's poor skin is infected and by the sound of it, is not being treated. If neither of you can be responsible dog owners then maybe rehoming your dog would be the best thing. It would also be better than setting this vile example to your children.

If he wants to wash up the day after, every day, how is that better for him than washing up on the day?