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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a scathing message? I probably am.(long sorry)

23 replies

hairtearing · 18/03/2013 09:16

This morning my eldest DS kicked off so badly, wouldn't let me put a top on,or pants on screaming and kicking to the point I had to keep him off playgroup.
After the like 10th attempt of putting on pants to screaming, I had to put him in his bedroom shut the safety gate and let him scream it out in there.
He is now upset cause he can't go.
This kind of kicking off is happening more frequently, and there are possibly all these reasons.
struggling with toilet training,
illness,chickenpox is going round I've heard its mardy stage is pretty bad pre-spots.
his DF working outside home for first time in a while.
Struggling with a baby brother,
Also I had a word with DP last night, about making time for him, not overreacting and screaming,(will give him gadgets to play with but blow a lid if anything gets on it) I told him that will make DS a nervous wreck and its not ok, I told him not to overreact then we start arguing infront of the DC's Sad.

He's naturally besotted with baby DS and I notice that he has more time for him then eldest,IMO because babies are easier and don't have attitude.
I was saying last night 'eldest is so cute etc' he said 'he knows how to piss me off' Sad.
I feel like he dislikes him now youngest is here,
He has to work as soon as he get home so he has no time to help me with the kids, not his fault but I'm ill, and just bloody knackered and dealing with a more difficult than normal ds.
I had an honest conversation with him last night, telling him he kicks off because him telling him to 'go away' (not harrassing baby DS) is the only attention he gets now, and you make more time for baby then eldest and if I notice this then he does.
And even though you have work etc make some time, just read a bedtime story, when you have to make some time, being a non stop workaholic is a non option when you are a parent.
In his defence eldest is constantly harassing baby, poking, tapping etc and gets very draining and he gets very angry,
This morning he had an accident , (through laziness tbh) but DP shouted and got mad, which is a no-no isn't it? and again showed more attention and just exasperated with eldest. I feel like sending a message saying,
Did our conversation go in one ear and out the other?
but he's at work and I dont like to offload then, or is it deserved?
This is breaking my heart I'm so torn.

OP posts:
Tortington · 18/03/2013 09:21

dont send him a message at work. he has work shit to deal with.

you sound tired and over wraught. i dont thik this is anything a good rest wouldn't solve, if you could get one

fluckered · 18/03/2013 09:24

ye both sounds so stressed. i see where your coming from and it does sound from your OP your eldest is acting out as some attention is better than none. perhaps you need to take it upon yourself at weekend to create some family time where your eldest is involved or even better when new born is asleep some one on one time with him. even just your dp and eldest off to park with a football or something. your dp needs to learn to enjoy his kids. you both do. its hard and easier said than done yanbu in what you said but need to me more proactive than just words. otherwise you are going around in circles.

fluckered · 18/03/2013 09:25

oh and dont send him a message!!

Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 09:25

I thought that , I haven't I'm just urgh tired of being one to clean the mess of his kick offs by myself whereas it probably left his mind long ago.

that irritates me, it took alot for me to be that honest last night.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 09:29

unfortuantely atm he works every hour god sends literally and all weekend,I did have lie ins, but all weekend long, I sat and thought I;ve one shower and one bath all week rest bloody sink washes lol.

I feel like an animal especially with toilet training, I'm not well atm my contraception is playing up and the medication is not working to stop the bleeding so obvs I'm very weak most of the time.

My biggest issue is that DP is dettaching himself from the 'difficult' child he never seems to have positve things to say, I feel like im the only parent that loves hims as awful as that must sound, its hard to watch though.

OP posts:
fluckered · 18/03/2013 09:34

i feel for you i really do. perhaps one thing you can do for yourself is go to doc and explain the health side of things. your no good to anyone feeling so run down. ok so he works alot anyone around that can help? babysit? take ds on playdate ... i swear to you with some rest things wont seem as bad. dont under estimate the power of no sleep and its toll on the body/mind. is there something ds enjoys like a bath? that dp can take over on ... ds happily playing, dp with a newspaper and them chatting?

hillyhilly · 18/03/2013 09:37

I think that your dh needs to reconnect/ engage with your older do and see how much fun he can be. Could they do something together at the weekend, park need only take an hour (though longer would be better obv).
That said, if your dh is working so hard and tired and stressed anyway, it's hardly surprising he is trying to choose the easier child, that doesn't make it right though and he needs to address either the relationship with the elder or the amount if time he spends working (or preferably both)
Your ds is doing whatever he can to get attention, be that poking the baby, soiling himself or having a huge tantrum - they all get you focused n him which is what he wants,if you can find a way of giving him more positive attention then you should find the negative stuff reducing. Can he "help" you around the house as he's a big boy, pairing socks, loading the washing machine, fetching things for the baby, even some simple kitchen tasks?
Praise him to the skies, when he is not being naughty.

Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 09:41

tbh they both sleep ok baby/eldest sleep through , sleep isn't the issue.

he literally works all the time , which adds to the issue even at home so I get no help, which is no-ones fault but added in with my eldest no getting/any affection I feel like im both parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 09:42

Yeah I could try more of that, I am so torn between both of them making enough time is an issue.

OP posts:
fluckered · 18/03/2013 09:44

how old are your little ones? can you say to dp in a calm manner that you appreciate how hard he worksw but you need some help whether it be a cleaner/babysitter or something ... you NEED some down time too as does he. a calm conversation over tea when kids in bed perhaps. i can honestly see and have felt how you do but you need to approach this calmy or it achieves nothing.

fluckered · 18/03/2013 09:45

even something like a reward chart for your eldest during the week and the prize is something dp can do with him whether its an activity or off to toy shop. i know you lose out on getting the reward with him but something tells me you would rather the down time (preferrably timed with little one's nap) and knowing dp and eldest are enjoying themselves together.

Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 09:54

3 and 4 months,

If I ask to help he will take the baby, whilst I do bedtime,
If I ask him to do eldest bedtime he just says he has to work, doesn't have time.

I'm probably gonna have to put my foot down, I can't being my children up in an environment where one is favoured.
when I spoke to him last night he said I made him feel bad, but a part of me thought didn't it occur to you?.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 09:55

My mum is looking after baby tomorrow so I can have some alone time with pudge.

OP posts:
TheSeniorWrangler · 18/03/2013 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 10:01

I would if we had a car Senior but nearly an hours walk in this weather, probably pissed himself again by the time we get there.

lol, he's sat good as gold now argh!

OP posts:
fluckered · 18/03/2013 10:02

well thats something that he at least said he felt bad. i hope you get some rest tomorrow dont you dare do housework!! things WILL get better op.

Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 10:03

*pudding not pudge lol

OP posts:
fluckered · 18/03/2013 10:03

what time does he finish? is it worth dressing him now and still going?

Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 10:04

lol Thankyou, although eldests weed bed will have to be seen too. pfft.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 18/03/2013 10:04

It's quite commen for eldest toddlers to take a back step in some behaviours when baby 2 comes along.

If it's a big deal/ not working give up on toilet training just for now. Put him in trainer pants & praise loads if he uses the loo bu ignore the accidents. You haved enough on your plate. When the weather is a bit better & he can run around with no nappy on it will be easier.

You are right your DP is taking the "easier" child but that is not on, lazy parenting and ultimately will lead toa deteroration in their relationship.

Could you write the email to get it off your chest but not send it, show him tonight?

Phrase it in terms of "when this happens I feel x y z" not "you are shouting too much I hate it " emphasise the team approach etc how it's a partnership being parents and bloody hard as well but together you get through it.

Great your mum is helping out, maybe you can snuggle up and watch a DVD at some point so he gets mummy cuddles & you can doze if you're feeling rough?

good luck it is tough.

Graceparkhill · 18/03/2013 10:09

In terms of making things as easy as possible - could you forget about toilet training for the time being?

Original poster
hairtearing · 18/03/2013 10:12

Its been nearly a month, I don't think I can,although I have decided to get public transport rather than a hours walk nearly.

OP posts:
mrswoz · 18/03/2013 10:58

I used to take a bath with my DS, is that something you could do together when your DP gets home from work in the evening? Pass the baby over to him, if you're putting the eldest to bed anyway, add a bath together as part of the routine - it is a good way to get an essential task done at the same time as a bit of fun and closeness?

I know that doesn't help much with the favouritism issue, I think that phase will pass in time, but you are right to refuse to accept mean behaviour towards your eldest.

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