to be feeling a bit cross?

[Isitraining]

My friend locally who I don't see very often (single Mum) had suggested coming here for a coffee this morning as her kids were away. This morning she texted to say her ex's plans had changed so she had to collect them from station at time we were to meet.

Ok, I understand that its hard juggling and I don't know all the circumstances.

Should I very gently say to her that I had made plans too, and have now had to change them? I am very cautious of upsetting her, or making her feel bad, but she might have been able to say NO to him........as she had plans too? and me and my family. I am feeling cross with him (mainly) and a bit with her too at the moment.

What do you think? He (the ex) has total form on controlling and mucking her about in general.

Thanks for any thoughts/advice. I am happy to just do nothing if that is the consensus.

Sounds like she needs support, not berating.

You say he is controlling and mucks her about.

You have your answer then, really, don't you?

It's probably really spoiled her day too.

I'd say what would you expect her to do? Leave her kids standing at the station to have coffee with you?

If her ex has form then I'd be feeling very sorry for her.

Why not go along with her to the station, then have a treat with the kids?

YABVU.

I am sure shes pretty pissed about it. My ex puts his life before mine all the time. But I rise above it and change my plans if I have to because I am her mother. Does that make me a doormat?

Get over yourself.

Is there any way she could come to you after and bring her kids? Could they play with yours?

If he's got form for being controlling, he may have given her no choice

You've answered it yourself, her ex is a controlling arse and she's maybe in a difficult place at the minute.

I would ask her whether she's OK rather than saying you had plans too, she must know that anyway.

Try not to look at it as choosing him over you, I'm sure she'd rather see you than him, but someone having a hold over you can really mess with your head.

I think her children trumps coffee with you.

at least she let you know she couldn't make it.

OP do you not think her ex knows very well that he's fucked up her plans by doing this? It's what plenty of lone parents have to put up with when the ex is a bit of an arse at best. A bit if understanding from you would be more appropriate. But by all means write her off as an unreliable friend to be avoided if it suits you better.

YABU. It's hard enough in two parent families. She clearly had no control over this situation, what did you expect her to do? She is probably irritated about it, laying on the guilt will just make her feel doubly shit.

She did let you know, after her ex changed the arrangements. I expect she is very disappointed she couldn't see you. Perhaps she omitted the word 'sorry'? But wasn't her fault.

I'm sorry for both of you that this happened.

Sounds like he hopes to alienate her from all friends and support,

Go and meet the children with her, stick bun and a flask of coffee in a near by park so they can play and you can talk.

Sounds like this is the first time this has happened, or that it seldom happens. If so, you are being rather over-critical and lacking in empathy.

If you say something about this - ie give her a little bit of a hard time about it - then she will see your friendship differently from now on.

YAB a bit U. It is annoying to have had your plans spoilt but it sounds as if she had no alternative. He's the plan spoiler not her. Arrange a different date and if she flakes again then you have the right to be suspicious annoyed with her.