To think that a friendship and conversation works both ways?!

[Mentalcowgirl]

Hi all just wanted a bit of advice. I will try and keep it short however I think it may be long!

From the start...

I was a bit of a shit at school and got put into a unit for badly behaved students whilst in this unit I made friends with the manager she was my friend and confidant there is not much she didn't know about me at that time.

I left school, went to college and done really well persued a career in which I was happy blah blah blah, always kept in contact with this friend.

I met my ex moved about the country and fell pergnant with my beautiful son, this friend was present at the birth of my son and her and her husband are god parents. she was my rock throughout.

My relationship with my ex broke down and I moved back to where I came from. All was well for a while then she announced that she was going to have a gastric bypass. I voiced my opinion that I didn't want her to have it done.

She had the op, lost weight and left her husband and didn't contact me for months. Then her son messaged me to say she'd had a massive heart attack and the prognosis wasn't good. I was there by her bedside as often as I could (the hospital was quite far away) she was in ITU for 5 weeks in which time she suffered a stroke. I did all I could with a young child and I was in the last year of my degree.

She came out of hospital and I booked a spa day for us. She seemed keen and her husband thought it was a great idea however when I txt her the dates I heard nothing back. Not that money is important in the grand scheme of things but that money could have been spent on my son!

Trying to keep it short... Basically her heart is failing and she has been put on the transplant list. Her husband asked me to call her, which I did, no answer. And to be honest I'm a bit miffed as I believe friendship is a two way path.

I sent the following txt to her husband:
Whilst I am very deeply sorry for condition I do feel a bit out of the loop. I love like a mother, so much so I wanted her there at the birth of my son.

I remember the day she told me about the gastric bypass. She come round my house at the time in and I voiced my opinion that I didn't believe it was the right thing to do however, she chose to go ahead with surgery and then I didn't hear anything from her. She lost weight and threw herself into work and the who had been there for me through thick and thin vanished!

I didn't hear or speak to her for a long time and to be honest I was a bit miffed as to why someone who had shared the intimacy of being there when my son was born would forsake me for a "new better life".

It wasn't until txt me to say was in hospital and in a bad way that I knew she was poorly during this time I visited regularly in the hope that the old would be there somewhere.

Things have massively changed in both our lives and I'm not sure our relationship is the same. I love from the bottom of my heart I just don't know how to talk to her anymore.

I'm not hard to contact I have a home and mobile number plus email and Facebook

I know is a very popular lady and so she should be but why couldn't she have got in contact sooner?

I'm not angry just sad that a woman who I thought the world of cant pick up the phone.

Now I feel like a total bitch!

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Sorry of the message doesn't make sense I've deleted names and places.

Your friend has been through so much recently it's no wonder her head is everywhere at the minute, I'm sure that's no reflection on you though.

Could the fact that she's older and has played a kind of mentor role to you in the past make it more difficult for her to feel comfortable about leaning on you in her time of need?

That she maybe doesn't want to 'burden' you with the enormous things she's been though when she's always been in the position to support and help you?

It's not unreasonable to be hurt when you feel cut out of someone you values life, do you really think it's because you said about the gastric band?

Friendships and people evolve.

What we need at one point in our life isn't what we need in another.

Seems to me, reading your post, you need her and she facilitates your need, and I have to say she completely overstepped professional boundaries allowing you into her private life - but no matter we all feel affection for one or two particular pupils.

You seem to be angry that she is ill and has no time for you. She's had a stroke, is on the transplant list - yet you think she should be calling you? I'm sure she is living day to day and concerning herself with her family - which with the best will in the world, you aren't family. You seem to be creating her as a mother figure in your mind.

I appreciate you have gone over and above the call of duty that anyone would do for a friend, with hospital visits, born entirely out of love for this lady BUT this post is all about your need for her, not about her at all.

She must be pretty frightened, and also feeling a bit of a tit (massive understatement I know) about having the surgery that seems to have led to her present condition (sorry your post isn't that clear about this).

I think you just need to keep on trying to get in touch.

I think from what you've posted you're totally unaware of how much a life changing situation such as near death, can change someone.

You've told us all about you...and about your childhood etc

But why?

Surely this is about her and how you might be able to get through to her if you love her enough?

Also, what does the gastric band have to do with it? Is that what caused her to become seriously ill?

YABVVVU. It's not like she's out on the lash with a load of other people. She's waiting for a heart transplant.

She might have been annoyed that you voiced concerns over the gastric bypass and have avoided you or a while because of that. But now she is extremely ill and has other things on her mind. To still be stewing over the fact she missed a spa day and that you were right about the gastric bypass and over her not contacting you for a few months is really insensitive in these circumstances.

I suspect that the reason you may have heard little from her is because you are perhaps a bit demanding and possibly a bit inconsiderate of how her illness is affecting her.

I think by sending the text to her husband you may well have burnt your bridges with her. Your message really is very 'me, me, me'.

I think a little understanding of her situation wouldn't be amiss. You don't hold onto grievances from the past in circumstances like this. And if you I can understand why she might want to distance herself from you. If someone is potentially dying they don't really want to hear about somebody else being annoyed that they missed out on the money for a spa day or didn't get a phonecall for a couple of months. They are trivial things compared to what she is going through. You really need to think about changing the way you are approaching her rather than expecting her to behave differently.

That is if you have chance to have contact with her. If I was her husband and I had a seriously ill wife and got a stroppy text I would be absolutely fuming.

I'm quite shocked about your reaction to her not getting back to you. The woman is clearly dying and you need to respect that, not send texts. Talk to her husband if you need to, find out what the lady needs and then quietly be helpful and show how you care, don't go around shouting about it being demanding.

Your anger of course could also be a form of grief, so I don't mean to give you a hard time, but you must focus on her, not on yourself, really.

I agree with worra and agent

When you're poorly you don't necessarily want to reply to texts, messages of love or anything else, you want to get better. You don't always want the help offered from everyone you know, not if you have enough from the closest people to you. A card would be nice, but expect no reply.

Friendship is NOT always a two way street, sometimes it's not a street at all, but an acknowledgement. I've been friends with my best friend for 35 years, we live far apart, we send cards, and if we move we always send a change of address card, we occassionally (once every 3-4 years) meet up, but we know we'll always be there for each other, even if when that time comes we're not needed in terms of actions, it's just nice to know we love each other and care.

YABU to excpect a reply, what could she say Thanks for your concern but I've just had a stroke and there's nowt you can do? OR would she be happy to know that you care, that you don't need a response?

Everyone has had shit in their lives. Pretty much without exception. YANBU to wish you could do more for your friend, especially because of who she has been to you, but friendship is not a debt to be paid either... don't feel bad that right now you can't do anything or are not required, or that your friend has enough going on in her life without finding you jobs to do to ease your need for balance (not being bitchy, I'm a bugger for balance). She knows you care. THAT is friendship. Stop thinking in maps. Think in feelings and make sure your actions convery them. That is all friendship is.

A two way street is for people who have to put up with each other everyday in a shared space. A friendship doesn't have pathways, just the knowledge that you're remembered and loved. You are remembered, you are loved. As is she. But both your live's have changed. Hers hangs in the balance and that is HER battle, you really need to respect it.

Sorry for the late reply. Also apologies if it seemed a bit me me me. This isn't the case. The doctors said that as a result of her heart beating round a big body for such a long time to beating round a drastically reduced body size would have been a big contributing factor in having the heart attack. It just seems like she has changed beyond all recognition and I don't know how to approach the situation with someone who I feel I don't really know anymore.

I want to be there for her but completly understand if she doesn't want that also.

I also appreciate it all looks very black and white written down however in real life there are many grey areas too.

I love and want to be there for her but just don't know how to. I'm not insensitive quite the opposite infact.

I suppose I'll just see how things turn out.