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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dp to take dd to a party?

27 replies

Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 13:44

Knackered my back this morning, ongoing issue, and dd has a party this afternoon. Dp won't take her as he says he won't know anyone... She is 2 and is looking forward to it as I am a childminder and the little girl whose birthday it is has been here all week talking about it

Considering staggering there

OP posts:
ceeveebee · 16/03/2013 13:46

Of course he should take her, do you always know other adults at all the parties and playgroups you've had to go to?

HumphreyCobbler · 16/03/2013 13:47

of course he should take her

he sounds a bit pathetic

SirBoobAlot · 16/03/2013 13:49

Of course he should take her, though exP does the same thing. Grr.

dreamingbohemian · 16/03/2013 13:50

Obviously he should take her!

Don't let him get away with this weak excuse or you'll find yourself doing absolutely everything when she starts school.

Original poster
Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 13:50

Thanks all, pathetic indeed! He is literally panicked at the idea of not knowing anyone. I understand he is a little nervous socially but nothing crippling. He deals with customers all day on his job.

OP posts:
DeskPlanner · 16/03/2013 13:50

Hope he takes her and you can have the chance to rest. up.

Original poster
Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 13:51

Oh and no, I never know anyone most places I go!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 13:52

Totally gutted this has even come up, really thought he would... Will hopefully message from the sofa in a couple of hours saying he took her

OP posts:
marcopront · 16/03/2013 13:57

Ask how he will get to know her friends' parents if he doesn't go to parties. If he refuses to go to this one, then tell him he has to go to the next one with you, so you can introduce him to people.

dreamingbohemian · 16/03/2013 14:15

Okay, if he has social anxiety, I'm sympathetic.

But he really has to make an effort to get over it, 1) for his daughter's sake, so she doesn't have to miss things she really wants to do, and 2) for your sake, otherwise you will never get a break.

If he is used to dealing with customers, just suggest to him that he put on his 'work face' and make the best of it. He doesn't have to dazzle anyone, just be polite.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 16/03/2013 14:37

He sounds like my oh, drives me crazy!

Original poster
Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 15:32

I am also sympathetic re his social anxiety, but a kids party I was hoping would be a nice way to meet new people. I used to be very nervous and going to parties has helped me no end as the focus is on the kids.

Anyway, am at the party and childishly huffed out of the house and didn't talk to him while I was getting ready. He got dd ready thankfully or we really would never have for here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 15:34

And lots if seating so having quite a nice rest

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 16/03/2013 16:05

I don't think the "oh it's a kids party so should be easy to meet" is actually at all reasonable and suggests you possibly don't understand his social anxiety and how he's learnt to cope with it. Just because he's learnt to successfully deal with people in his customer facing areas, doesn't mean he'll do in a situation he's never experienced and has no idea of the social conventions he's supposed to act within.

It's quite common for people to have severe anxiety in certain situations when they seem the live of the party in others - it's because they've learnt how to act in that one.

However it really does depend on exactly how bad you are, exactly how serious his social anxiety is and how important it is to your DD. As described he probably should've taken her, or at the very least gone with you so as to assist and to start learning how to cope in the situation.

pigletpower · 16/03/2013 16:28

Hang on a minute! Did you take your DD to the party? Do the words 'rod' and 'back'[no pun intended] seem familiar to you? If you let him off his responsibility then you've fucked up big time here .

Kiwiinkits · 16/03/2013 16:32

What!? you went to the party? Rod and back is right!

Original poster
Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 17:41

I suppose I am not in his mind and may not understand his level of anxiety about certain situations, but he says he would have taken her had he had more notice to get in the right frame of mind.

Anyway, the end result was dd had a great time and I have come home to a house which has been cleaned top to bottom, proper job, so I can rest for the rest of the weekend.

I was initially very upset but am happier with this outcome than if I had stayed here as I now have a clean house!

Still bloody pissed off with his way of handling it though. If he had said he was super scared of course I would understand, bug he goes all weird and macho to cover it up and just says 'I'm not sitting at a bloody kids party for 2 hours where I don't know anyone!'

Not sure I have made a rod for my own back as he is not generally a tosser, looks fairly guilty and I suspect will go to the next party (next weekend)

Need to discuss issues and use tip to pretend he is speaking to customers

OP posts:
pigletpower · 16/03/2013 18:14

'Had more notice to get in right frame of mind'- WTAF! Never has a username been so apt.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 16/03/2013 18:20

Oh well, tell him now it's his turn to take her to the party next weekend, then he has plenty of time to get in the right frame of mind doesn't he!

I do have some sympathy for people with various anxieties as long as they do their best to deal with it and to minimise the impact on others - he's doing neither.

But very nice to come home to a lovely clean house - I'd call that a result too!

MMMarmite · 16/03/2013 19:11

I think people are being very harsh, social anxiety is a real thing and can be debilitating. The OP described him as "literally panicked". It's not like he's being horrible and lazy, he cleaned the house to make up for it.

Yes it's annoying that he tried the bravado and mocking method, rather than talking straight out about his fears; but as an adult man, knowing that he's terrified of a kid's party and knowing how that will sound, he must be really embarrassed so I can see why he tried to cover it up.

OP I think you should find a calm time to talk to him about his anxiety, it sounds like it might be worse than you realised. You need to learn more about how it affects him, and he probably needs to seek more help or try some self-help methods.

Original poster
Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 19:30

I have just done that and turns out it is a real issue I didn't realise was there, and you are right, a grown man would be embarrassed! I think this us why the 'frame of mind' comment came out. He needs time to prepare. Sounds crappy to some of you but I was so gutted and started this thread as he is normally fantastic about everything, more than pulls his weight and it was so out of character for someone so considerate normally.

His issues are as follows
Problems with as a previous poster said, social norms, how to act, discipline dd in public
General awkwardness and self consciousness adding to the above

So.... He is coming to the party next week with me, as a starter, and will then try a party on his own.

I was angry but it has raised something we can sort

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 16/03/2013 20:07

That's great that you were able to talk openly about it. I think going to the party together sounds like a great idea.

Original poster
Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 20:23

Thanks, glad it's getting sorted, then hopefully he can enjoy things she is invited to

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Original poster
Whatalotofpiffle · 16/03/2013 20:24

Next thing to conquer.... His hatred of amdram!

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buildingmycorestrength · 16/03/2013 20:26

Yeah, good luck with the amdram!

I forced my husband to go for CBT for social anxiety as it affected our lives and relationship so much. But he said I was right to do it and it has helped him no end, really.