To really wish dh hadn't gone away this weekend - probably long, whingy and UR

[lecce]

Dh has MS and is just getting over a relapse that lasted about 4 weeks. I work f/t as a teacher and he is sahd, so the last few weeks have been a massive strain for all of us, though of course, worst for dh who is the one who is actually ill.

This week he has been pretty much back to normal, which is obviously fanatastic. Last night he went round to a friend's house 7.30-12, and this morning he has gone back to his home town (1.5 hours away) to rehearse for a gig he has coming up (plays saxaphone, was semi-prof before he met me.) He will be back tomorrow teatime.

Playing for the first time is always a massive thing for him after a relapse as he always worries he may never play again and it is his passion. Likewise, seeing friends and having a drink - I guess when he's relapsing he has visions of himself as an invalid who can never leave the house and do 'normal' stuff. I know all this, so why am I massively resentful of his plans this weekend? It means it will be the 5th or 6th weekend in a row that I have had almost (completely this time) sole responsibility for the dc (6 and 3), housework and no time to do any planning or marking except in the evenings, so pretty much no rest time.

I have had an arse of a week at work (thread on Staffroom), we are expecting OFSTED any day, but probably just after Easter, which means no real holiday then, and I feel at breaking point. I should play with the dc, do some craft or something but I just can't muster up the energy. We moved just before the relapse, so no friends close by and I feel so guilty about the time of it the dc are having (though must admit they seem fine - we now have a big house with lots of nooks and crannies for them to turn into submarines etc).

I have a lot to be grateful for - dh has recovered, the house etc but I feel crap. Oh, and as he left, he mentioned that his mum has bought us a dishwasher and it will be delivered today but he doesn't know what time. So we have to stay in and I don't know where it is going to fit - think I should be moving the fridge and a free-standing cupboard but I can't summon up the strength. If the John Lewis man tuts at me, I can see myself making a tit of myself and crying. So another thing that, grateful as I am for it, feels like a massive pita this weekend.

AIBU to just want a weekend off myself?

YANBU

the situation with your DH and your job sounds very stress

i think it is important for YOU to get time to recover and look after yourself

the long term consequences of you not being able to work because you become ill would have a major impact on the family

if your DH is now feeling better i suggest that you take next weekend as your time

The kids won't expire from not having some fabulous crafty mum who helps them make handbags out of mung beans. But if you wear yourself into the ground that WILL affect them. Just go easy on yourself. They'll keep themselves amused and anyway it's good for them not to always have wall to wall entertainment handed to them on a plate!

YANBU, but them again neither is DH as it's clear he needs this weekend for his heal. And you are wise and generous in recognising this.

But you need to apply this wisdom to your needs too. And urgent among them seems to be the need for a couple of weekends off in a row, or shorter breaks now against a definite plan for the time you need after OFSTED.

Do you have a friendly neighbour who might help with the dishwasher?

YANBU to feel as you do but you would BU if you stopped him from going.

I can't imagine much worse than gradually seeing your capabilities disappear. He must be very aware that at some point he won't be able to play music or get out to see his friends independently and it's so important that he does it while he can.

I'm sorry for what you're family are going through. Let the kids have a wild weekend, they don't need you to entertain them all the time and you need some space too.

So have you asked anyone for help? Even the next door neighbour who you haven't had chance to meet? Bottles of wine are good bargaining tools.

Children - pasta glue and some paper plates. Get them doing it with distant supervision.

Cleaning - "I wish mummy and daddy spent more time cleaning" said no child ever. Do the essentials. Dh can do a bit each day during the week surely?

On a serious note support for the main carer for someone who has a long term condition such as ms is essential. Does dh have a specialist nurse? Perhaps contact her for signposting to carers support groups. You are not alone.

By the sounds of things you deserve a medal