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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not talk to him in the morning?

91 replies

CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 03:44

DP and I have been together 5 years and have a 2yo.

We go out together with friends in town about once a month, he goes evey other weekend. Tonight he came back from work and asked if he could meet his best friend as they havnt seen each other for ages for a couple pints. I thought ok, no problem I know him so know he'll be out all night! I can deal with that.

After a phone call to see what time he'd be back to see if I should leave a key out it transpired that he hasn't seen his mate at all. (He said he'd be back late so about 2am usually)

Another friend we go out with a lot text me to ask if he was home yet, he wasn't so I rang him to see where he was and my best friend from school answered, so said hi lovely to talk to her and my DP said hed be home soon.

Then got a text from her saying DP was at hers and might stay! I still talk to her a lot she's a life long friend. The kind u only see 3 times a year but ur always close. DP knows her as my friend, never socialised with her together and he's never met her flatmate (girl)

This makes me uncomfortable and I don't see why he couldn't come home. He's staying at 2 girls flat he doesn't really know, he said he does know her so what's the problem? He's now asleep on her sofa and I'm annoyed he's put me in this situations.

Whose being unreasonable? Is it me :s
He knows I'm unsecure! For good reason too.

OP posts:
Original poster
CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 09:17

kalidanger - yes we always go out with him, we're both close friends but his loyalties are with DP, there usually together all night which is why I rang DP when he text me that. And yes I think your completely right that he was concerned for me.

I don't think its drugs AFAIK he has never done more then weed and he has told me before he would be scared to do coke (which all his friends do - I had asked him why he'd never tried it) because of our DD, its expensive and he doesn't want to be addicted or anything. I have always believed him on this and our friend has said to me before that when he was very drunk he asked to try a line and our friend said don't be silly. He may have chose last night to try but my 'friend' whose flat he stayed ay is very against it from past experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 09:17

kalidanger - yes we always go out with him, we're both close friends but his loyalties are with DP, there usually together all night which is why I rang DP when he text me that. And yes I think your completely right that he was concerned for me.

I don't think its drugs AFAIK he has never done more then weed and he has told me before he would be scared to do coke (which all his friends do - I had asked him why he'd never tried it) because of our DD, its expensive and he doesn't want to be addicted or anything. I have always believed him on this and our friend has said to me before that when he was very drunk he asked to try a line and our friend said don't be silly. He may have chose last night to try but my 'friend' whose flat he stayed ay is very against it from past experience.

OP posts:
FutTheShuckUp · 16/03/2013 09:18

I think its gone past ultimatums tbh, he sounds like he doesnt give two shits and has been taking the piss out of you for ages. Just insist on a trial seperation. You will soon see if he can change enough to ever make it work.

FutTheShuckUp · 16/03/2013 09:19

Wow Cat- I feel sorry for you if this kind of shit is considered small fry in your relationship

bleedingheart · 16/03/2013 09:26

I'm sorry but I thought the same as Kalidanger. Your friend text you to ask if he was home as a way of alerting you to the fact he was up to no good.
Just because people know you both doesn't mean they would tell you if they knew he was cheating. People keep out of it a lot.

I'm sorry because you sound like a level-headed, loving mum.

kalidanger · 16/03/2013 09:27

And yes I think your completely right that he was concerned for me.

I think it's a big red flag that his loyal mate was concerned enough to contact you Sad Does said mate have a DP you're close to? Just as someone to chat to and possibly investigate what's going on? Because something's going on...

Original poster
CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 09:29

TheCatIsUpTheDuff - I wasn't worried about cheating to be honest, that was just a little nag in the back of my head. It was more the choosing to stay with people he doesn't really know instead of coming home, after lying about going to see his best mate he hasn't seen for ages. He had said he was coming home 10 mins before the text from my friend. Initially I was just annoyed, then my friend was texting me saying don't worry he's jus watching TV and going to sleep - wtf couldn't he have gone home to do that? I don't understand why he went there, what did he think or get out of it?

FutTheShuckUp- I think a trial separation is a great idea if only for a week. But of course the problem is I shouldn't have to do that every 4 months or so. But maybe for me it would be a step forward for me.

Oh and the challenge thing - I met him at 16 and we we're inseparable, fell in love, fell pregnant and it was never a challenge to change him, you just expect people to grow up don't you. I like him when we're out together and I don't mind him going out with his friends, its things like this and choosing not to come home that spoil it.

He has done lots of horrible things though, as listed at the beginning and they are just the big things I think are appalling, there are not so big ones in between!

OP posts:
kalidanger · 16/03/2013 09:30

I'm sorry because you sound like a level-headed, loving mum.

I agree with this Smile Seems like you're nice, he's not and it's so so so hard to accept that and so so confusing.

Thanks
MadamFolly · 16/03/2013 09:36

I think its time to LTB and I think you know that.

Original poster
CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 09:39

kalidanger - no he doesn't, he's single. Very lovely and will tell me what a rubbish partner he is but will then text him saying oh she went out yesterday its your turn! (It doesn't happen often that I go out without him - on this occasion it was a girls night, he had to go out the night after!) So I know he wouldn't tell me but I do think he saw DP outside the club with 2 girls he doesn't know and wanted to alert me. I thought it as soon as he text.

OP posts:
DrHolmes · 16/03/2013 09:40

So have you asked him why he lied about who he was out with?

Original poster
CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 09:50

DrHolmes-I asked if he even saw his old friend he went out to meet, he said yes they were together for a couple of hours then he met up with the lads from our friendship group and then ended up in my mates flat! I would actually be grateful if she'd given him a place to crash but he didn't seem that drunk! And he could afford to get home. I feel like he's tricked me in to a night out. I know he hasn't seen his old friend for ages and he will one day be DDs godfather. But he was out for 12 hours - and saw him for 2. The whole night has just broken my night, a lot of lying, covering his back. We went out together last saturday. He's going on a stag do next month for a weekend abroad. I don't think he should feel the need to lie to go out!

OP posts:
Original poster
CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 09:50

DrHolmes-I asked if he even saw his old friend he went out to meet, he said yes they were together for a couple of hours then he met up with the lads from our friendship group and then ended up in my mates flat! I would actually be grateful if she'd given him a place to crash but he didn't seem that drunk! And he could afford to get home. I feel like he's tricked me in to a night out. I know he hasn't seen his old friend for ages and he will one day be DDs godfather. But he was out for 12 hours - and saw him for 2. The whole night has just broken my night, a lot of lying, covering his back. We went out together last saturday. He's going on a stag do next month for a weekend abroad. I don't think he should feel the need to lie to go out!

OP posts:
DrHolmes · 16/03/2013 09:59

It does seem strange and I don't think he will change.

You just have to decide if you are going to put up with him or leave. I know leaving is hard and you love him but is this really what you want for yourself and your little one? There will be more sleepless/crying nights and all for what? A guy that doesn't actually care very much.

Believe me, I know it's a horrible feeling. Just know you will be ok!

SirBoobAlot · 16/03/2013 10:06

He sounds like a useless bastard who does not give a damn about either of you.

I'm 21, know it's tough being a young mum, because at the back of your mind you feel you have to still be in a relationship with the father of your child because of everything that goes with the stigma of being a young, single mum. But trust me when I say that you're better off single than with this prick.

You don't need this. And what example is it setting for your daughter in the future? What is it showing her about how to be treated by men?

He's not going to change, and things will not get better. Don't spend the rest of your life wasting it on this arsehole.

Original poster
CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 10:09

Thank you DrHolmes, and thank you everbody for reading and replying. Its very confusing because what I didn't think was that bad is actually very bad and I could do a lot more with my life. I don't want 50+ years of us not coming first. Fighting just to see him. I don't think I can leave him now and I know I am prolonging hurt because no doubt he will do something and I will then leave.

Think I might stay at my parents or sisters for a couple of days for head space. I don't want him to make me feel its ok to feel like this ALL the time! And see where it goes from there I guess. I don't want to let him get away with it.

Thank you so much for the support and lovely messages about me it has made me feel better about myself. Iv been hovering for a year and this is my first post! Usually I know right! And it seems yet again I was!

OP posts:
kalidanger · 16/03/2013 10:15

Good luck x SirBoob sounds like she know what she's on about Thanks for you.

Original poster
CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 10:31

Yes SirBoob - totally agree about the young mum thing, you always feel you have to proove yourself!

I tell him all the time how would you feel if DD was treated like this? How can u teach her this.

I think all 3 of us would be happier if me and DP were apart - he can do what he wants, DD will have more stability and I can have a proper life!

OP posts:
Original poster
CorsicaJane · 16/03/2013 10:31

Yes SirBoob - totally agree about the young mum thing, you always feel you have to proove yourself!

I tell him all the time how would you feel if DD was treated like this? How can u teach her this.

I think all 3 of us would be happier if me and DP were apart - he can do what he wants, DD will have more stability and I can have a proper life!

OP posts:
mrssmartarse · 16/03/2013 10:41

Corsica this is like reading a thread from myself 5 years ago Shock

How will u feel when Dd is treated like this by her Dp, you are teaching her this behaviour is acceptable and normal Hmm

Trial separations are great if you think it'll be the boot up the bum he needs, one week won't do that hunny, tbh I think you should give him at least a month to see if he'll make an effort?

From experience I'm guaranteeing u, it'll hurt like hell when u first split but you will be much better off without him!

And if all else fails stick some immac in his shampoo and see if he still wants to go out with no hair Grin

Xxx

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 16/03/2013 10:48

I had a trial separation from my "childhood sweetheart" at 20, I found that it showed me that I could actually exist as a single person, having gone from living with my parents to living with him.
We broke up permanently a week after unseperating.

Hope that a trial separation shows you how great life can be without this arse and give you the confidence to end it completely :)

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 16/03/2013 10:49

One thing though, do you have proper legal paperwork re renting from his parents? If you do break up and they kick him out and say you can stay, you'll meed to sort this asap!!

HerrenaHarridan · 16/03/2013 10:52

Tbh Corsica, I think you'd be better off without him but you are clearly not in that place yet so I won't waste my time trying to persuade you.

Well done for not picking him up, please stick with that.

You are strong and you need to draw some lines in your head and say to yourself rhis far an no further.

Please remember that your child will be growing up with the idea that this is how people treat each other so make sure you are having the kind of relationship you would like them to be having in 20 years!

Your bf does sound very young to me (emotionally, chronological age is irrelevant)
You said you know other young fathers who are very responsible, could you talk the them about what brought fatherhood home to them?

Does he look after dc by himself?

Raum · 16/03/2013 11:04

As a guy I personally think he was hoping to get lucky with your mate as she or her flat mate would be unlikely to tell you. Probably stupid drunken behaviour but he needs to grow up, suggest not picking him up and expecting an apology. If none is freely offered I'd be showing him the door. Sorry but he's a pretty shit partner.

Airwalk79 · 16/03/2013 11:22

I used to be you... My ex had a lovely friend. He is now my lovely husband, and ex now has a new girlfriend/ mug to treat like shit. My and my child's life are a whole world away from anything he could ever have provided for us.
Get yourself some space to think. Your better off on your own than with a idiot! At least then you know your going it alone instead of being under some misguided illusion that your part of a team!
Good luck!