Or are my parents a complete waste of time and energy

[mummysgoingmad]

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant I have one 4 year old son whose autistic and I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing.

A couple of weeks ago my car broke down very suddenly when I was on my way to a placement for uni. This particular placement is in the middle of nowhere so I really do need my car. My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore) and I pay him back every month through paypal as he lives abroad. When the car broke down I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment for the car as I needed to get it fixed, well he went nuts! I said ? dad I need my car I have to get to placement I have one child who I have to transport around and another on the way? to which he replied ? don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #

Now, there was absolutely no need for that reply was there? I swiftly told him he is a horrible old man and not to contact me again. I did however say that he would get the car payments back even if it puts me into debt doing it.

Now for my mum! She had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man for 3 years. I thought it was over last year when he beat her and was really relieved as I cannot stand him. My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really. Needless to say he is a nasty drunken idiot, and if I ever saw him again I would quite happily run over him and then reverse back over him just to make sure I got him!

My mother knows how I and my other 2 brother feel about this man, her sisters and her friends have made their feelings clear too and we have all done our very best to try to support her. So in November you can imagine my horror and, well, anger when I found out that this man had never really left, she had removed his son from her home (10 years old) but then continued to see this guy on the sly. What makes it worse is that my son has been in her house while he was there (she denies it but I know he has!)
I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together, this is something we never get as we don?t really have much support around us so we don?t get any ?us? time. This is when she A, decided to tell me that this useless excuse of a man was back on the scene and, B was going on holiday with him so couldn't help me out.

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both. I am so angry hurt and disgusted at their behavior.
AMBU?

[crashdoll]

I've noticed that in threads where it gets a bit heated, one or two come on and accuse MN of being bullies or similar. This is not a support board as such, this is AIBU. There is plenty of support to be had. OP, you asked if you were being unreasonable and got told by some that they think IN THEIR OPINION that you are. You disagree, so why did you post here? If you're looking for support, you will find it on MN but probably not on AIBU.

[FasterStronger]

aitch but you reacted to what others said, now you don't like others commenting on your posts.

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

how so?

[AgentZigzag]

Hahahaha at 'Wow, Agent ZigZag, I feel sorry for you.'

Err...thanks.

The posters saying the OP should have unquestioning support and that having crap parents means you get to behave however you like, are getting a bit shirty about it.

Why is it so important to you for everyone to agree with you?

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

but where has anyone said anything like that, AZ?

[janey68]

There's a huge spectrum of what is considered 'functional' anyway

if I asked my parents for money and they declined, I wouldn't nag and keep on for 6 months, because that would make me disrespectful, not them dysfunctional. I repeat: there may be all sorts of reasons unbeknown to the OP why her father did not want to take out a loan. He may have his own debts she knows nothing about. Ditto with her mothers life. I too would be very concerned if my mother got back with a previously violent partner. But frankly, uppermost in my mind would be concern for her well being. Not the fact that her holiday with him would mean she wasn't on tap to provide childcare for my holiday

[FasterStronger]

janey68 uppermost in my mind would be concern for her well being. Not the fact that her holiday with him would mean she wasn't on tap to provide childcare for my holiday

YES!!

[BoneyBackJefferson]

cumfy

"An experienced MNer would have frontloaded the post with the very negative background and for instance, offset the car loan against the context of the total cash DB had received, without details.

OP would then receive overwhelming support."

Thats when posters get accused of picking apart thge thread and dwelling on details.

[RowanMumsnet]

@crashdoll

I've noticed that in threads where it gets a bit heated, one or two come on and accuse MN of being bullies or similar. This is not a support board as such, this is AIBU. There is plenty of support to be had. OP, you asked if you were being unreasonable and got told by some that they think IN THEIR OPINION that you are. You disagree, so why did you post here? If you're looking for support, you will find it on MN but probably not on AIBU.

Hello

Just wanted to do two things: first, link to the old Guidelines and remind you all about the rules, especially those about personal attacks.

Second: while AIBU is a place to canvass opinion, it is not a fight club. Our broad philosophy is that if there's one thing all parents could do with, it's a bit of support - and that goes in AIBU as much as it does anywhere else. We understand that there are other areas of MN which are more explicitly supportive, but that's not to say that we don't hope posters can find support in AIBU too, even if some people do think they're being unreasonable.

[crashdoll]

Rowan I think I was too black and white and a bit unfair. The OP has been attacked and called names, which is not on. BUT I just get the impression that some people see "support" as everyone agreeing with them and patting them on the head. OP got some contructive advice even from those who disagreed with her. I obviously do not condone attacks (of which there were some on here) but it really grinds my gears when people accuse MNers as a whole as being mean, nasty so and sos.

[mummysgoingmad]

Firstly i dont expect anything from anyone! Everybody else could see what i had on my plate my father never visits therefore couldn't see what i was going through. both my brothers had a word because they could, i didnt ask them and i didnt say i nagged him for 6 months own my own my family as a collection did, including my mum. we asked my partners parents but they were unable to help at that time before i or they are called unhelpful names, my pil got money back from a ppi and that how they were able to give us a holiday i got the car over a year ago. they had spoken to my mum who agreed to half the childcare. when they told about the holiday just before xmas i called my mum all excited, thats when i learned that not only was the scumbag on the scene, he had also won money in a bet and had booked a holiday for them both. I have very recently learned that this man has never left, even when she put him out and we moved her 76 miles across the county which took 3 trips in my car and a hire van which i purchased! Again this was last year when i didnt have financial difficulty. i find it hard to believe that most of you haven't hit tough times and turned to a parent for help, maybe you all get a kick out of verbally bashing someone, and im not saying that because you disagree with me, the language some of you have used is appauling for mature woman and some of you should be ashamed of yourselfs. some of you are saying "we dont get a break" do you have a child who at the age of 4 is unable to speak, who is kicks punches and pulls your hair out? Do you get looks and people wispering about you in supermarkets? doubt it!! I have a very demanding child which i look after most of the day, his dad works from 9-8 every day so i take on all of the childcare when im not at uni! what a spolit little bitch i am eh!!!!!

[janey68]

'my father never visits me so couldn't see what I was going through'

Yet you assume to know his financial situation inside out and judge him for not being willing to take a loan in order to fund a car for you.. This is precisely what I meant about you doing precisely what you are accusing your parents of doing.

It must be very tough having a child with SN and another on the way but ultimately anything your parents give you in time or money is a bonus. It's
not an entitlement.

Crashdoll- you're absolutely right, some people think that unless you respond by licking someones arse and telling them they are doing nothing wrong, then you're not being supportive

Plenty of people on here have empathised with the OPs situation, but feel she's being entitled and unreasonable in what she's expecting from her parents

[mummysgoingmad]

And as i've said im the reason i'm not speaking to him isn't about the sodding loan its about saying his unborn grandchild is a mistake. i dont know what his financial situation is but my mum has a fair idea, which is why at the time she was angry at him for not helping. the only thing i feel entitled to is a bit of support! I didnt ask my dad to give a car i asked for the means to get one. My father never visits because that would eat into hos drinking time! he's just back from a trip to africa...safe to say he is'nt impoverished!!

[LilyAmaryllis]

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable and I was surprised by the angle some people have taken here. I think you sound under a lot of pressure, and neither parent is really being supportive. Sorry, it doesn't sound like you can expect the support you want, from your parents. Keep your son safe. I wonder if there is any scope to stop doing any of the commitments in your life, it is very busy? If there's anything you can drop, the stress levels might reduce.

[countrykitten]

You have just admitted that you 'don't know what his financial situation is' and then go on to say that 'he isn't impoverished'. You sound really petulant and silly and you are making huge assumptions about your father by your own admission.

[Yfronts]

I think your Dad completely over reacted. Continue to pay him but don't ask for favors again. He doesn't sound like he is very willing to help out.

Also have no expectations of support from your mum. Expect nothing and if she offers any support it will be a bonus.

I say this as someone who has no family support also but has managed to stand on my own two feet.

As a grandparent I'd have a very different approach. I'd want to support and help my adult kids.

[mummysgoingmad]

Well call me crazy but if you can afford a trio to south africa you can afford to let your daughter off woth 70 quid! i also said i didnt but my mother has a good idea! Picking out parts of my post and twisting to to suit yourself...nice!! im do e explaining myself to you lot in all honesty! think what you like

[countrykitten]

Whatever - you sound like a spoiled little kid. And here is something to ponder on - HIS money is not YOUR money so stop thinking that you are entitled to it. FFS you seem to hate the guy but you want his money....

[Yfronts]

I think many posters have no idea about the reality of living with an autistic son. It's obviously a very hard time for you being pregnant and studying too. You do need more support and help generally I'm sure but it is probably best to have zero expectations of you family. It will help you feel less frustrated and find alternative solutions to issues.

[mummysgoingmad]

Your so right yfronts! If many of these people had to live my life for 48 hours they would crumble! i never said i wanted HIS money i wanted grace period! You sound like a keyboard warrior love, if this was an antual face to face support group im betting the majority of you would say the things you have said! well guess what im a REAL person with REAL feelings! I asked for advice not to be called names!!!

[countrykitten]

I wish you all the best and hope that you get yourself sorted soon.

[crashdoll]

The trouble is, when you're an adult, you are not entitled to support from your parents. I appreciate that life is tough for you. I would suggest seeking some support from the SN board because you are not the only one in your situation and it's unfair to assume the rest of us have it easy. I think you will find life a tad easier if you accept that, as an adult, you are responsible for yourself and your children. If your parents help you, then you are lucky but not entitled to it. I'm sorry they don't seem to support you, why don't you cut your losses and seek support from elsewhere?

[Howsaboutthat]

Having been to Africa may be the very reason he's unable to help out at this time.

He budgeted for his holiday, but hasn't budgeted enough to pay your car loan this month.

If you had said Dad in 2 months time I could really do with a break from the loan repayment he maybe in a position to help you.

I hope that you are free 24/7 for your children for the rest of your life awaiting for their call to babysit, and that you keep spare money available every month just incase either of your kids call.

You don't know his circumstance this month as you say yourself he lives out of the country and you don't see him. He could have had the holiday to Africa, his boiler being replaced, holes in his trousers and has cleaned himself out this month - all his perogrative.

[crashdoll]

"If many of these people had to live my life for 48 hours they would crumble."

If you don't hold your head up high and maintain some dignity on this thread, then you are just as bad as your attackers. It's not on to assume our lives are all so fucking easy and it makes you come across as a marytr.

[Owllady]

my parents are useless as well. I can count on one finger how many times my mum has babysitted and my eldest is 14 this year and is severely disabled. Yes it's shit but you have to get on with it I'm afraid, and my dad well i haven't seen him for the best part of decade...and my MIl is fine in nature :) but old. It's life I am afraid