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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get angry with my mum for doing this?

26 replies

cricketisboring · 15/03/2013 23:19

I've namechanged.

My mum has never been a fantastic mum, but since I've had children she's got even worse. She never wants to speak to me at all, and treats me like some kind of grandchildren production machine. She visits and basically excludes me, totally engaging my children in conversation, ignoring me, barely saying hello to me, and undermining me.

Today she came round after school to see the children. there is never any mention of seeing me. She always acts as though I've done something wrong. I think she thinks I am in the way. She then proceeded to talk to my children for an hour, totally excluding me. If I speak she says 'yep yep yep' quickly to hurry me along. She undermines me, giving the kids sweets when I've said no, they need to wait til after tea, then she shouts at me if I say no. I end up sitting there, in silence, in my own home, being ignored, not being able to talk to my children,and with my mum acting like I'm shit on her shoe.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 15/03/2013 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cricketisboring · 15/03/2013 23:22

No, she'd just turn herself into a victim; cry, scream, shout, slag me off etc

OP posts:

KeatsiePie · 15/03/2013 23:22

Of course you're not BU to be angry with her for that kind of behavior. Shouting at you especially is absurd.

Original poster

cricketisboring · 15/03/2013 23:23

I'm stumped about how to tackle it. DH says I should just walk off and go and do something in another room, but that would make my mum get the hump. She basically wants me to sit there in silence

OP posts:

seriouscakeeater · 15/03/2013 23:24

Hope your ok cricket! Tell her if she can't be civil to you in your own home not to come any more x

Skygirls · 15/03/2013 23:24

If she treats you like this, why do you let her into your home? Surely it's not sending out a good message to your kids that granny has all the authority....?

ImperialBlether · 15/03/2013 23:25

I wouldn't have her in the house. She doesn't respect you and she makes that very clear. That's all you need as you have children growing up; they learn how to treat you and each other by watching others. No doubt she'll go into "suing for the right to see my grandchildren" mode but tell her she has no-one but herself to blame.

You're not getting anything from the relationship, are you? She clearly isn't, either. It sounds as though you'd get good help from the Toxic Parents thread, OP. It must be awful having her visit.

KeatsiePie · 15/03/2013 23:25

If you can't talk it out with her in a reasonably friendly way, then I'd call and tell her she's been undermining your parenting and is not welcome to drop by anymore, and then keep your door locked. If you want her to be able to see your kids, you can tell her she can see them at some future point after she's agreed to treat you with respect in their presence.

badbelinda · 15/03/2013 23:25

That sounds grim Cricket. Ideally you should be able to say that she can only spend time with the grandchildren if she respects your rules etc etc but it's always easier to advise these things on MN than to actually say it especially if you've had a difficult relationship with her for some time - her behaviour sounds a bit like bullying. You have my sympathy.

Loulybelle · 15/03/2013 23:26

Yeah, dont let her in, its your home, your domain, your to be respect in your home.

Skygirls · 15/03/2013 23:27

Ditto serious. She can get the hump and shout all she wants, but she can't come into your house if you don't let her

If she rants outside your house, you can call your neighbour to ask them to call the police and say someone is disturbing the peace....

pictish · 15/03/2013 23:27

Oooh hard. You're going to have to stand up to her you know....
Scary eh?
But you really should.

ClippedPhoenix · 15/03/2013 23:27

I'd be having that conversation with her whether she chose to shot and scream or not.

I'd also tell her she's unwelcome in your house until she changed her attitude.

Undermining you, whether it be a partner or a member of your family is very bad for your children let alone yourself.

pictish · 15/03/2013 23:28

How does she treat your husband?

Original poster

cricketisboring · 15/03/2013 23:28

Oh she's all over my husband, asking him how he is and being nice to him. It's just me that's the persona non grata

OP posts:

Loulybelle · 15/03/2013 23:30

You sure she aint jealous?

ClippedPhoenix · 15/03/2013 23:30

what does he say about it?

does he support you?

pictish · 15/03/2013 23:31

I think you need to become the queen of your castle, and see her off.

Does she let you know she's coming, for example? Can you start being busy and evasive?

StuntGirl · 15/03/2013 23:33

I wouldn't put up with anyone who treated me with such little respect. Tell her she's no longer welcome in your home until she learns to behave like an adult.

candyandyoga · 15/03/2013 23:37

She sounds awful. Stand up for yourself and lay some ground rules. If she doesn't start treating you with some respect, stop seeing her.

VenusRising · 15/03/2013 23:38

When she comes around, meet her at the door with your coat on and pull the door out behind you and the kids. Then walk to the park. Especially good if the kids want to have a run, and can ignore your mum.

I'd limit contact, and not answer the door or phone if she calls.

She's sucking up to your DH to drive a wedge between you.

It's classic emotional abuse- your DH will then say"I've never found her to be like X" when you complain about her.

Make sure he knows what's going on and ask him to observe your mums behaviour when she's with you, so as he's totally on your side.

My sympathies. Remember the story of the big bad wolf and the three little pigs? he'd huff and puff and didn't blow the brick house down: you have to become the brick house, and safeguard your little piggies!

maddening · 15/03/2013 23:41

Take her out for dinner just the two of you - see if you connect at all?

pigsDOfly · 15/03/2013 23:54

As someone else said, it's easy to give advice, but if this has been the pattern of your relationship all your life it's not going to be easy for you to stand up to her.

Could you get your DH on side OP. Ask him to talk to her as if it's coming purely from him his perspective, what he's observed, rather than what you've told her.

If he tells her she needs to treat you with more respect or he won't have her coming to your home then maybe, rather than piss him off, she'd start treating you with a little more respect in your own home.

If she can't do it. He needs to tell her to get lost.

I know that sounds as if you can't stand up for yourself and could be seen as a bit patronizing for your DH to speak for you, but he maybe the one to give the kick she needs.

pigsDOfly · 15/03/2013 23:55

Sorry that should be what you've told him.

Bossybritches22 · 16/03/2013 00:02

She is only allowed to visit when DH is present then, and get him to back you up on house rules, so she gets the idea.

She has no right to be like this at all but especailly in your own house.

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