I don't actually think I am, but I am being led to believe that I am so thought I'd put the question out here. This may be long so bear with me.
Me and dh split up in July of last year, and I finally moved out two weeks ago. We have one ds who is ten. We are parenting 50/50 with pretty much h having ds two nights a week and every other weekend.
However I am pretty flexible esp about weekends and for e.g. ds wanted to come back here on Sunday last week because of mother's day, and conversely he will be going to his dad's this sunday because A, he won't have seen him since yesterday morning and B, h is going on a school trip on Monday so it makes sense for ds to stay there sunday night as well... But me and h are fairly amicable and I am not a believer in laying down the law in terms of access and having a strict "my time, your time" rule, as long as we all fit in with each other where possible. As ds is ten it's only a matter of a couple of years before he'll be able to come and go between houses if he wants to anyway so might as well start out from that angle.
We told ds that we were splitting up in about October as I'd moved into the spare room and I wanted to show him the house we were moving to, etc, and since that time he has done things separately with both of us i.e. he came with me to my parents just before Christmas, and he went away with h to his parents for new year. H is also taking him away for a week over the summer on a holiday which mil paid for for the whole family, and I will (finance permitting) obviously take him on holiday etc at other times in the future..
That's the background...
The issue I have is that my mother has been fiercely against me giving h any kinds of rights to his ds or giving ds any kind of choice over whether he sees his dad. Her view is very much that ds is mine, that I should be the one who decides where and when he goes and that I should allow ds to see his dad at my and only my convenience.
When he went away at new year ds was then given the choice as to whether he went to see his grandparents or stayed with me. That was obviously because we were still all living in the same house at that point. She was fuming and said that five days was too long for him to be away from me (with his father of all people who is a good father - I won't take that away from him) and that I should just have said no.
ILs want to come up over the easter holidays, not sure exactly when that will be yet, but when my mother got to hear of this her first reaction was "well if it's on your time they just won't be able to see ds." I pointed out that no way was I going to turn around and tell ds he wasn't allowed to see his grandparents, and that if he wants to see them then of course he can go over to his dad's for some of that time, why would I stop that?
She then said "you shouldn't be giving him choices. He's only ten, he's not old enough to be making choices. You should be laying down the law, he's yours and he should be with you."
I am really 
about this. Me and h certainly have had our differences, but the one thing we have been in total agreement about has been ds, and I am a believer that where possible parents should parent jointly. (obviously I appreciate this isn't possible for everyone but it is for us, so why shouldn't we?)
I have told her to but out and that she needs to let this go but she is incapable and brings it up every time we speak. Every time she calls she asks where ds is and if he's with his dad you can hear the disapproval in her voice.
I shouldn't be doubting myself on this. But she makes me doubt myself on this.
so ibu?