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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to cancel my disastrous hen do?

27 replies

shorty78 · 15/03/2013 09:53

So, the story goes, my friend and I had planned a weekend away for my hen do and it all kind of went to pot.

I have one 'friend' who is a bit on the forceful side, and as we've had countless discussions on what we wanted/didn't want to do, when it has been something she doesn't agree with (for example I don't drink, but she made a big fuss over it) she either ignores our wishes completely or goes on and on about it until we all feel we have to give in.

Over all of this, one of my friends tried to back out of going, and the massively nasty reaction to this friend had shocked me to a point that I didn't want to go. To calm things down my friend said she would come for my sake, but I knew she didn't really want to. The other 'friend' in question then went on a little bullying campaign, telling my friend she shouldn't bring any of the hen party things she had bought as she wanted everything to be from her. She argued with every little suggestion my friend had about what we could do, where we could go, and again she started having a go at us because we wouldn't be drinking.I have my reasons for not drinking, and they were personal to me, but I ended up feeling I had no choice but to explain myself just to shut her up, but even that didn't work. It ended with comments from her saying "I guess I'm the only one who'll be having any fun then" before I lost my temper, rang round my friends apologising that I wouldn't be going, it was too much hassle for what was supposed to be a fun weekend without the kids.

In all of that she has been harrassing my other friend, saying it's all her fault and other very personal and nasty comments.

I have said I will happily reimburse everyone if they decide not to make use of the booking, as it is my fault we aren't going away, and have apologised profusely!

AIBU

OP posts:

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 15/03/2013 09:56

YANBU to cancel if it's making everyone so miserable, but YABU to keep someone as vile as the bullying "friend" in your life

greenfolder · 15/03/2013 09:56

god, no- definitely do not go for heavens sake

get your real friends together and go to a harvester.

KeatsiePie · 15/03/2013 09:58

Good grief, cancel the thing and do something else without this woman. I'd rethink her invitation to the wedding too, not to punish her, but b/c it sounds like she's all too likely to criticize your arrangements (e.g., if you are not drinking at the reception) and make you unhappy.

MidniteScribbler · 15/03/2013 09:58

Disinvite the twats, go and have fun doing what you originally wanted to do.

KeatsiePie · 15/03/2013 10:00

Actually I agree with Midnite. Uninvite her and go on and do it your way.

LemonPeculiarJones · 15/03/2013 10:02

Yes get rid of the idiots and go ahead with your plans.

See it as a useful exercising in learning who to cull from your life.

DontmindifIdo · 15/03/2013 10:06

Cut bullying person out - could you call them say because of their behaviour, you don't want them to go, you will refund her the full price but you've had enough of her taking over and ruining it for eveyrone else.

Call round your friends, say it's back on but X won't be going and you are open to suggestions about what you can do instead that everyone will like.

Tell X they also aren't welcome at the wedding, if she's a bridesmaid, cancel that.

You don't need people like X in your life, friends should be fun people you are able to share good times with - 'duty' people should be limited to family and even then just limit contact.

There's nothing wrong with accepting you've outgrown a relationship, just because you were friends with someone in the past is no reason to keep them in your life in the future.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 15/03/2013 10:07

Its your hen do. You'll only have the one. Do what you want, or regret it for a long time.
Either cancel the thing already planned and organise something else, or tell this "friend" she is not invited anymore to the thing already booked.
Do the latter if theres any chance she will find out about the new plans, but she sounds to me like she may well invite herself along and you'll be back to square one.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 15/03/2013 10:09

Yes cut out the bully and you'll all have a good time!

If you can't face her just send her a message saying its cancelled

Pixieonthemoor · 15/03/2013 10:23

Another vote here for cutting out the 'forceful' (read bullying) friend. I would also rescind her wedding invitation as goodness only knows what sort of fuss she is going to make about that. It's none of her damn business if you don't drink and it is pathetic and immature to make such a fuss about it. You shouldn't have had to try and justify yourself to her and if she sees alcohol as the only route to a good time then she has far larger problems than being a bit of a bitch!! Get rid, life's too short. Go with your nice friends and I hope you have a lovely time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/03/2013 10:49

Cancel. Uninvite bully - you've seen a sample of her likely behaviour at your wedding, you'll sleep better knowing she can't fuck that up.

Or maybe just tell her she's not coming on the weekend, and go and have a nice non-drinking weekend with your other friends (what on earth is it to her whether you drink or not? Sheesh!).

Whatever you decide, cut this woman from your life.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 15/03/2013 10:55

Is this your nice friend?

I thought I should warn you in case it is, and you didn't know she was on MN...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1701757-to-tell-my-friend-about-her-hen-do-and-ruin-the-surprise?msgid=37678655

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/03/2013 11:03

Its your hen do not your forceful "friend's" so why does she get to override your wishes. Uninvite her and have the hen do you want.

She'll probably complain about you wearing white to your wedding because she wanted to wear it .

MissPants · 15/03/2013 11:25

YY to cutting out the bully. Rearrange something low key with the friends who would actually make the occasion pleasant and fun. Just don't tell the bully till it's all over!

whimsicalmess · 15/03/2013 12:04

OMG I would cancel but I would have strong words with the responsible as to why.

I'm in a similar sit OP, can't wait for the hen do pffft, its horrible isn't it? waht a bloody time to behave like arsecrusts.

quesadilla · 15/03/2013 13:14

To be honest this woman doesn't sound like a friend at all and maybe she has given you the perfect opportunity to cut her out of your life. Ditch her and go out with the others and do whatever you want.

maddening · 15/03/2013 13:25

What would your ideal hen do be? Why not arrange a local low key gathering.

If bullying womble woman takes offence then so be it :)

Yanbu to cancel what was in fact the bullying woman's personal do (it didn't sound like it was ever your hen do!)

INeedThatForkOff · 15/03/2013 13:52

Are you saying that the others have paid and will lose their money if they don't go without you (the hen)?

INeedThatForkOff · 15/03/2013 13:54

Sorry I forgot the bit about reimbursement.

Though I do think you need to stand up to her and tell her she's unwelcome, then go yourselves.

MarinaIvy · 15/03/2013 15:35

YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU infinity...

MarinaIvy · 15/03/2013 15:37

PS: & at whimsicalmness "arsecrust" - wish I'd invented that word.

Blu · 15/03/2013 15:39

It sounds as if all the trouble is being caused by one person.

Get rid of her and have a lovely time with the others!

Or, call it off and have a nice friendly relaxed meal with the others.

But whatever you do or don't do, ditch the bossy one, and YOU control the shots.

YouTheCat · 15/03/2013 16:16

Reimburse the bullying arse - tell her she's acting like a child and that you don't want her to come.

Then everyone else goes out, has a bloody good time and she can sit at home and stew.

MarinaIvy · 15/03/2013 16:23

Well, OP, what have you decided? We're all waiting for the news!

pigletmania · 15/03/2013 16:25

My goodness why have you got this bullying indivdual as a friend, that would be a deal breaker for me

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