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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my mil to look after my 8month old ds overnight

23 replies

Mamacj · 14/03/2013 22:07

My ds is 8 months and has been at nursery since he was 4 months- he is a really sociable little boy. My mum has been so good since he was born and I she has looked after him when we have been away- I am trust her so much on some occasions I don't even phone her. I am also very fortunate that I have a very successful career that I have a night nanny when my husband and I want a night out. She will do everything I ask her. My pil live close by- I have never had a disagreement with them but only get on with them for the sakeof my husband. They have never looked after my ds without me being there- they have never asked to have him. My dh announced that we should have a night away so they could look after him/ I had palpitations as ds doesn't know them that well- they haven't fed him much, changed a nappy or put him to bed. I know they would never harm him but Aibu for not wanting to leave him with them- my sis thinks I should make the most of the help as sometimes I am shattered at the weekend but I also live indulging him as I have working mothers guilt but I do think I will be a MIL one day and need to get over this esp when I do leave him to go to work anyway. Why am I shutting them out?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2013 22:09

A) They've never asked, so do they actually want to?
B) Going away just so they can have him is madness. He is not a toy.

You are not BU.

bigredtractor · 14/03/2013 22:12

I don't think you are BU- it's a big step from nothing to overnight regardless of who it is. Maybe gradually build up some trust?

Original poster

Mamacj · 14/03/2013 22:12

I am seeing them soon do u think I should ask them nanny0gg?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamacj · 14/03/2013 22:13

Thanks bidredtractor I am seeing them soon an was going to see if they wanted to put him to bed while I was in our house

OP posts:

foreverondiet · 14/03/2013 22:14

I was going to say your baby your choice, but I do think YAB a little unreasonable to not involve them more in your DS's life " they haven't changed his nappy or put him to bed" - so why not involve them a little more to see if you would be happy about leaving him with them.

FWIW - I think you should try and get over your "mother's guilt" as this will cause your son no end problems in the long run - both this and the "indulging" him. You need to be confident about your choice of childcare so that you don't feel guilt or a need to indulge.

Also even more importantly IMHO I would rather have my MIL / sister / any family member put my DC to bed if I am stuck somewhere for work rather than a "night nanny". I think that it would be better to make sure that your DS has a good relationship with his grandparents so that they can put him to bed when you are out.

So on balance, you aren't being U to not want to leave your DS with your PIL but I think your general attitude is a bit unreasonable.

Original poster

Mamacj · 14/03/2013 22:16

Thanks foreveronadiet I do find them so different from my own parents but know I need to get over that

OP posts:

bigredtractor · 14/03/2013 22:18

Sounds good- it takes a while to completely trust anyone- relative, child care, anyone really. Small steps- couple of hours, maybe a cinema trip or something but straight to overnight is poss a bit much.

If they're nearby might they consider looking after him at yours?

Our DS is 2.6 and we've only left him overnight once (Pfb alert!) - had plenty of nights out though! !

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/03/2013 22:19

Palpitations?

In your case its not really about leaving him, is it? Its specific to PILs.

Well they are his GPs, just as your mum is.

YABU.

Original poster

Mamacj · 14/03/2013 22:20

I hate leaving him at all bidredtractor butt husband likes going away for weekends so its pleasing him as well which is fine if I leave him with my mum but I am going to get ds more used to the pil I know in my heart it will be lively for him to be bonded to 2 sets of grandparents

OP posts:

OhDearieDearieMe · 14/03/2013 22:23

One day you'll the the parent in law who's being excluded for no discernible reason. Enjoy.

foreverondiet · 14/03/2013 22:24

Yes mamacj that is the big challenge with PIL - even more so when you have children. But your son is their grandchild, and I think important to work at it even if they aren't otherwise the sort of people you'd be friends with (provided they are basically reasonable sort of people).

I left my DD (PFB) with my PIL at roughly the same age so me and DH could do away overnight, and it was fine - although they had her for a few afternoons before that - and more usefully MIL picked her up from nursery when she got send home for being ill (something relatively minor) - saved me leaving work!

Sirzy · 14/03/2013 22:25

If you didn't want to leave him with anyone then that would be fair enough but that obviously isn't the case so yabu.

Your husband (and you) need to spend time with the other grandparents so they can get to know him enough so they can play the same role as your parents do (if they so wish)

bigredtractor · 14/03/2013 22:25

The way we saw it was that DS would be easier to settle in his own environment- familiar things etc until he's old enough to stay somewhere else and see it as a bit of a treat - for everyone!

At 8 months he's maybe still waking up in the night too, which is a factor.

But I stress that (in our case) we felt the same about anyone -not just PILs!

Original poster

Mamacj · 14/03/2013 22:26

I know ohdeariedearieme but I do get annoyed that my mil never asks me about ds and his routine etc- I do need to ask if they want to look after him I think

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamacj · 14/03/2013 22:27

Hi bigredtractor ds sleeps through really well so I think I need to do some nights of them putting him to bed but definately in
Our house!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamacj · 14/03/2013 22:32

Thanks foreveronadiet- I know I will start to need them as already ds has been sent home from nursery with a few small things- my parents have come to the rescue but I can't depend on them all the time. Did ur mil do what u asked when u went away mine is the type that wouldn't follow my routine but as one of my friends said- she'll have to deal with the consequences through the night- I can't think like that though

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HildaOgden · 14/03/2013 22:36

I think if you exclude him from his life like that they will feel insulted.Particularly when so many others are trusted with him...your mother,the nursery staff,a night nanny.

I am probably going to get flamed for this...but maybe that's something you might want to look at more closely?There seems to be a lot of other people....apart from your dh and you....looking after your child in the last four months.How much time are you spending with DS?

Tbh,I'd look at that.If you are really happy with that,then happy days.If you're not happy (deep down) then it needs to be addressed.Working mothers guilt is normal....but combine that with 'keep the hubby happy' guilt and you might have a problem.

foreverondiet · 14/03/2013 22:39

I gave her a list of her routine but told her what was non negotiable (amount of day time sleep) and what was flexible (exact timings to have bottles and food). I left ready made up formula and all the food.

Have no idea if she followed it (was 8 years ago!) but wasn't really relevant - just warned her that DD always slept all night if routine was followed! Need to have confidence that your PIL wouldn't want your baby to be unhappy, doesn't matter if routine not exactly followed - and her nursery were not doing a good job of following it anyway, but that's another story.

DD was fairly flexible baby though and it was fine.

Original poster

Mamacj · 14/03/2013 22:39

I can see where u r coming from Hilda Ogden but that's the life he is going to have and I am happy with that

OP posts:

HildaOgden · 14/03/2013 23:08

Well considering they haven't asked to mind him,it's a non-issue as yet.

But considering your only reason for even considering the idea is so that you have more childcare cover if your own parents aren't available...well,don't be suprised if they don't seem to be honoured by the inclusion.

They quite possibly are afraid to broach the subject,knowing that you automatically place them so far down the list.I think I would,if I was in that position.

pigletmania · 14/03/2013 23:40

Yabu mabey they would like to be more involved, they are his grandparents too. Mabey build it up gradually, eave him for an hour with them, than two and so on. Get them involved op!

foreverondiet · 15/03/2013 00:15

To add to what Hilda Ogden said.

We started of with DD in a nursery at 6 months (I worked 3 days a week) but at 8 months decided to get a nanny. It wasn't even more expensive as we shared with a friend and it was the best decision we ever made. Various reasons for taking her out of nursery but mainly because I realised too many people looking after her and I had no control over who was looking after my child - the staff change a lot, and had fag breaks.... and DD had nappy rash as they didn't change her enough. And I had guilt as I wasn't happy with the childcare.

Because after that I had no guilt as I felt that she had the best possible childcare - for her as in our house, by the same person every day who would stick to her routine, and best for me, as the nanny could still look after her if slightly ill or if I had occasional late night at work, take her to doctor, or for haircut, or to be weighed, whatever.

And 8 years later, DD is 9 (DS1 is 6 and DS2 is 2) and we still have the same nanny! And I can honestly say I feel no guilt at all.

I think what I am trying to say is that if you feeling guilt, try and work out what you could do to mitigate it.

Yfronts · 15/03/2013 00:34

They need to build up to it slowly - let them take him out for an hour here or thre initially and then do sleep overs when you/baby ise comfortable.

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