To be offended by my mum's attention-seeking?

[Mendi]

My mum is a very 'woe is me' character generally. Everyone is richer/luckier/thinner than her. Their lives are brilliant where hers is terrible. This sort of thing.

We live in the same village and as my mum has my DCs after school, she interacts with one or two of the other school mums. With one in particular I'm aware she plays the big 'woe is me' card as this other mum sometimes says things to me along the lines of me not being a very good daughter to my mum.

Last Mothers' Day my mum told me that this woman (let's call her Claire) had gone round to give her a bouquet saying 'I thought I would bring you some flowers in case no one else does' Earlier that day I had been round to give my mum an expensive present which had been chosen with much thought for her. Clearly she had been whining to Claire though that she expected nothing.

This year I had my mum over for dinner on Mothers' Day and gave her another nice present (£50-worth). She had said she would rather be taken out for lunch but as I couldn't do that I decided to cook her a lovely meal instead. Which I did, despite the fact that I had a bad cold and was feeling shit. And despite the fact that I too am a mum, a single mum, and would quite like to have spent a quiet day with my own DC.

So anyway. Today I saw Claire and asked her how she was, she said fine, we had a nice weekend with Mothers' Day, what about you? I said yes, we did too and I had my mum over for a nice dinner. Claire looked a bit odd and then said that my mum had told her that she'd had to cook dinner for the whole family on Mothers'Day 'as usual'.

Now, as a rational adult I know that this is all about my mum's crazed attention-seeking and definitely not my fault. However, on a child level I am really, really pissed off. She is lying to someone we both know, making me look and sound shit, in order to get a "oh poor you, what a shame" reaction. I bust a gut trying to find a 'good enough' and 'expensive enough'present, cook a three course meal ON MOTHERS' DAY when I'd quite like a rest myself, and all my mum does is rubbish me to a mutual acquaintance (and probably several others).

AIBU?

Not in the slightest. I wish I had some constructive advice to offer, but I am at a loss. I can, however, offer you a {{{hug}}} and some Mothers' Day

YANBU, sounds like she's a Narcissist, its a classic behaviour pattern - you need to get yourself over to the stately homes thread over in relationships (I think that's the title) - lots of good advice on there

Sounds strange did she help to cook the meal at all? Is it a case of a misconception or is she out and out lying?

I'd stop bothering. Bunch of flowers, box of choccies and a take-away. Job done.

Next time you talk to Claire make a lighthearted joke about how your mum makes herself out to be a martyr, roll your eyes and laugh it off. She's already probably getting a better idea about what your mum is like anyway. But I would confront your mum tbh, ask her why Claire seemed to think she'd cooked dinner etc? Great that your mum helps with childcare but that's no excuse to rubbish you to people you have to interact with. Stand up for yourself and let her know you are upset she prefers the pity of acquaintances to her daughter's efforts to show her appreciation.

Sneakyninja she did cook a meal on the Saturday but that was because SHE had invited other people over, nothing to do with Mothers' Day. And I had invited her for dinner at mine on Mothers' Day days before that. I told her i'd got her a nice present and she said "I don't want a present I want you to take me out for lunch". I was a bit taken aback (even for her!) so I made a bit of a joke of it and said "well that's bad luck, you'll have to put up with just a present and a meal at mine instead!"
When the DCs and I went round to give her the present she was all "oh how lovely!". Then never mentioned again and obviously whining to other people about how no one did anything for her. The worst of it is that other people BELIEVE this shit!

HERE IT IS

If you look at the links in the opening thread you will find lots if great info, I think you might find the "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" link very interesting - I certainly did, I thought my mum was a one off, but I could have written most of the blurb in the link, its a very set pattern of behaviour & its about getting you to engage by justifying yourself, that gives them power & attention, which is what they crave at all cost - mine actually put herself in hospital on Mother's Day

Thanks rockinhippy I will read that. Though bit worried I might be opening a can of worms...

Even though I know my mum is unreasonable and a bit childish, actually, I really do want to make her happy and make her feel appreciated. But it seems as though whatever I do, however much it costs (she likes expensive things), something else that someone else did for THEIR mum was always more desirable.

How do you make a narcissist feel good then?

Sadly you can't :( the more you give, the more they want, it's all about their need for attention & drama, childish is a common trait too, as is others always doing more than you do, so as to leave you feeling bad & trying to justify yourself to do more - you can't change their behaviour at all I'm afraid, even trying feeds the drama, you can only change your own behaviour, stop playing the game & disengage - ie box of chocolates or flowers next time & anything she says to goad you about others, just reply, oh how lovely & don't engage any further - it's a bit like playing tug of war - only you drop the rope, so you take control & the game ends, IYSWIM

& yes definitely a can of worms, but seeing things for what they really are & not feeding into her behaviour will make you a far happier person - I look back & see now that my engaging with my own mums Narcissistic behaviour meant I attracted others the same, men & sometime friends too, I accepted the same behaviour from them, because it was my normal - once I saw it as abnormal & stopped accepting it, my life as far as relationships go improved massively, I'm sure that meeting DH & us still being together & happy after many years, is all down to my opening that same can of worms.

I've just read the first part of that thread and then googled 'enmeshment'. God. That is my mother and her relationships with me, my brother and my dad.

More worryingly, my relationship with my exH was like that - I wasn't able to see any of my friends on my own (but he never wanted to see 'my' friends together, only 'his'), I had to show him my mobile phone bills, I wasn't allowed to get a job after having DS... Etc.

All my partners bar one have been very very controlling and manipulative. I'm single now. I seem to be only attracted to very dominant characters, who turn out to be not very good as life partners. The odd thing is that I am quite a strong character myself, no pushover. Except with my mum.

Yep this is my MIL. She actually Said she had a shit mothers day..drama childish and unhelpable!

Every time I saw Claire I would simply state, with no emotional embellishments, every phone call, visit, gift, meal, etc you do/have with your mum that week. Eventually she will work it out for herself. It is tough as you guys know the same people, so I would just be honest with people but not engage in any kind of tussle with your mum. TBH I would be worried myself about her playing games on your children like she did to you.

OP, I have no advice, only sympathy. My mother is/was very similar to this.

I knew she was full of shit and said things to people but the best one was where she said it in front of me.

I sing in a choir and told her that when she retired it was probably the sort of thing she should consider as she likes singing and all that, but with a very clear direction to NOT join the same one as me (there are a fair few in our local area).

One day we bumped into someone who was also in the choir and she realised that she already knew them and said "FG begged me to join the choir, she's not very good at doing things on her own and wanted some support from me. But of course I told her I couldn't because I babysit the children so that she can go so of course there's no way we could both go!"

So:

I didn't beg her to join, that would have been my worst nightmare!
I was quite happy going on my own, and did so!
She didn't babysit for me to go, my husband was at home with the children every single week. More than that, she never babysat for me/us to go anywhere and I never asked her.
And if she had babysat for me, I think I might have realised that before I 'begged' her to go anyway.

It's one thing knowing that they do it, but it's another thing them doing it in front of you.

And what can you say?

"Er actually mum, I didn't beg you to come, you don't ever babysit for me to go, I didn't ask you to babysit and more than that I never do? You fucking freak"

because I didn't really want to expose the dysfunction that was my mother in front of people I barely knew. So I just smiled and my husband and I made "WTF?!" faces at each other!

My Nan can be a bit like this to my poor Mum; she gets friends in her sheltered flats to buy her shopping so they feel sorry for her - despite my Mum offering her a lift to Tesco.

Mum is worried that people think she's a terrible daughter but she isn't.

The awful thing is that Nan does love Mum & rely on her but she can't see that her behaviour is having a negative effect & upsetting my Mum; because she needs attention from others so badly.

I don't know what advice to give really other than to challenge the behaviour - i often challenge my Nan's attention-seeking but she doesn't really listen.

OP - there is lots of support for children of narcissists on MN - dive in

In the mean time i would call your mum on what Clare has told you. Ask your DM how come Clare thinks that she had to do mother's day dinner. Look all puzzled.

What ever your mums explanation may be, tell her that anyway you told Clare all about the lovely meal that you cooked on mother's day, and that you had a good old chin wag with her ....... maybe joke that you and Clare talked about your DM getting confused these days ...... laugh it off.

I agree that Clare will be able to draw the correct conclusion about your mum given time (and a bit of info from you every now and again).

My mum tends to invent stuff about her relationship with me and my DCs depending on who she's talking to. Sometimes i hear that she's been telling people i'm the daughter of the year, always by her side and that her GCs are constantly at her house and sometimes literally beg to come and live at grannies

Quite often she tells people in the village that she could die on the floor and no one would notice for a week Looks good on me that, doesn't it???

I would make a joke of things with Claire and any others.

Say to them ' oh take what Mother says with a pinch of salt, she does like to make out she's hard done by, it's totally untrue you know, I don't know why she feels the need to say these things'.

Then tell your Mother you're pissed off with her behaviour, stand up to her.

Are you stuck for childcare without her?

Actually, my grandma was no different! I was a bit worried it might run in the family, so I make sure I'm nothing like it.

Perhaps the answer is to do all the things she accuses you of. If you're going to get it anyway, you might as well deserve it!

Agree with suagrice, keep it light but make sure you tell Claire that your mum lies paints a sad version of the truth.

Folkgirl, that story about your mum sounds exactly like the sort of thing mine does. And your reaction the same as minetoo! I just sort of stand there, too embarrassed to say anything. Then afterwards I think 'I should have called her on that'.

The problem is that if I do ever stand up to it, my dad then gets involved. Recent example: after a bit of difficult behaviour from DS, my mum texted me quite late one night basically saying that I have failed as a mother and that she was the 'only one' who 'does anything'; telling me that I was disorganised because I hadn't been able to find something DS had wanted in the morning before school (she regularly loses his homework when he does it at her house but apparently that's not her fault). Next morning I replied 'If you haven't got anything helpful to say, please say nothing'.

My dad CAME ROUND TO MY HOUSE to tell me off for this. Started shouting at me about how I was not to send these evil provocative texts to my mum. I explained that I was replying to a text from her, which he then said he wanted to see. Showed him; the expression on his face registered recognition that it was my mum who'd been provoking, not me, but then he just resumed with a tirade about how it was fine for my mum to say whatever she liked ('she is your mother') but not fine for me to respond in kind. I should suck it all up.

Also Folkgirl, like in your family, my mum's relationship with HER mum was the same. Until she cut all contact with her. I don't want to cut all contact with my mum, I just want a barrier there. She has no boundaries. She just thinks she can say whatever she likes and then gets very angry if she doesn't like the response she gets.

Sugarice yes I am stuck for childcare without my mum, though am trying to address that by moving house.

The thing about the way my mum presents herself to the outside world is that it is emininently believable and it's done to people who are really only acquaintances of mine not friends. If I made any real effort to put straight what my mum says, I'd look like a bit of a loon myself. She does it to the DCs as well, and to them I just say 'Oh you know how people get when they get old, she's just a bit confused. She gets weird ideas about things because she's a bit old. Just nod and smile and ignore it.'

I do feel relieved to hear I'm not alone though.

The thing is Mendi I have had to cut all contact with my mother. It's not easy, and I only did so in the end because I really had no choice in the matter but everything has been so much easier since.

I would do what other people have said. You just need to disengage with her.

I would say I'd love to know what reason she's giving people for the fact we no longer see her, but sadly I know! She's telling people it's because I'm a snob who doesn't approve of her partner's job. It 'makes sense' because we're all university educated and he's a manual worker. But it's not true and makes us look like a completely unreasonable arses and so gets her/them lots of sympathy.

I can't even defend myself because, for legal reasons, I can't tell anyone the truth about why I don't have contact with her anymore. She knows this and so she can tell people what she likes. The most I can say when I meet someone who refers to it is "does it really sound plausible that after 8 years of her being with this man I would have suddenly taken such a strong disliking to his job that I have seen fit to cut my mother out of our lives?" Which I hope does make people question it, but there's no more I can do.

The thing about the way my mum presents herself to the outside world is that it is emininently believable That's because she completely believes it. My mother is/was the same. People don't question her because she is so convincing. And some of the things she says are so outrageous that why would she say it unless it was true?

If she is going to try and use a stick to beat you, make it a stick of your own making. Shift your focus to your DC's and your own life, eventually with practice you won't be aware of the stick at all.

Very true.

OP - the issue with Claire is the easiest to deal with, next time you see her say that your mum likes being seen as a victim, that you always buy her gifts and try to look after her, but nothing you do is enough to stop her telling others that you do'nt bother. You are really tempted not to bother but at least you have the moral high ground now. That you have been really upset that she and others might be thinking badly of you and you hopes she can take what your mum says with a pinch of salt.

For your mum, I think you need to start calling her on everything, she will never but the boundaries in, so you will have too. Personally, I'd send her a text saying "I was chatting to Claire yesterday, she was really surprised you'd been over for dinner on Sunday, she said you'd told her I'd not seen you on Mothers Day or was she mixing you up with someone else?" It gives her the chance to deny what she's done while being very clear she's been caught out lying. Claire now knows your mum lies, and your Mum knows to watch what she says to her. It's a small victory.

I'd also stop relying on her if you can, can someone else do school pick up, childminder? Reduce her access to your life. It will be expensive and hard to do, but gives her less to beat you with.

Also start being open with other people about what she and your Dad does, tell poeple, so they are less likely to believe her rants.

BTW - you can never change people like this, you can only hold them at a distance so they don't have the opportunity to hurt you. That's the best case sinario for you, sorry.