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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at the lack of shagging?

10 replies

ChipTheFish · 14/03/2013 17:20

Bit of background: Been with DP for 2 years, we have a great relationship and I love the bones of him.

But we never ever have sex unless I initiate it first.

It's starting to really annoy me. I've spoken to him about it and his response is that he's afraid I'll reject him.

His ex wife was quite manipulative. They didn't have sex very often, but if he ever tried to mention it or initiate it she would accuse him of being pushy or demanding. If you knew my DP you would know how ridiculous the idea of him being demanding is.

I've explained to him that I love him and fancy the pants of him and the chances are, if he's in the mood for a bonk, I'm going to be too. But if I'm not, i'll just tell him. I'm not going to get angry at him for initiating sex when I don't fancy it, I'll just say no.

If I initiate sex, he immediately responds, he's never said that he's not in the mood or anything, so it does seem to be that he is just worried I'm going to get annoyed with him or reject him.

It's been 2 weeks since we last had sex. I was wanting to see if me stopping initiating it would encourage him to be a bit more forward, but nope!

AIBU to just not make any moves on him and see what happens? I know i'm cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I can't think of any other way to demonstrate to him that its annoying always having to be the bonking instigator.

OP posts:

LadyMedea · 14/03/2013 17:32

YABU.... You love him, you can see there may be reasons for his behavior. Testing him like this is a form of game playing and that isn't loving.

Keep talking, with love and patience. Tell him how the situation makes you feel and what you'd like to be different. Ask him what he needs to feel secure enough to initiate sex.

FauxFox · 14/03/2013 17:36

Text him in the day and tell him that you're up for it that night and he should try his luck or whatever. That should take away his fear of rejection so he can be more relaxed about initiating things?

livinginwonderland · 14/03/2013 18:12

tell him you're in the mood, but don't initiate anything. he needs to get over his fear (not as easy as that, i know) eventually, annd i think what fauxfox said is a really good idea.

Original poster

ChipTheFish · 14/03/2013 18:20

LadyMedea I know, and game playing is the last thing I want to be doing with him. I have spoken to him about it but I don't want to keep pushing the issue, because in the grand scheme of things it's not big a deal. I just wish he would trust be enough to know that I would never rebuff him in a cruel way. I'll try and be patient and talk with him again.

FauxFox & Livinginwonderland - That is a good idea. I could text him in the morning and then hope that that gives him the green light to put the moves on! :)

OP posts:

CAF275 · 14/03/2013 18:30

Think FauxFox's idea is splendid Wouldn't send text in the morning though - leave till he's just away to leave the office instead. That will avoid any chance he'll think you may have changed your mind/gone off the boil by later on. Maybe even send another through the evening. Should mean he'll probably be gagging for an early night...

LadyMedea · 14/03/2013 20:10

DH and I had a lot of problems with our sex life for various reasons and he would try the 'wait and see'... And then he would end up all upset and wound up that I didn't initiate that by the time we talked about it he was just whiny and petulant... Needless to say that didn't then make me want to talk about it productively.

Patience and reassurance (and naughty prompting SMS) are a good way to go!

Chunderella · 14/03/2013 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsWinnieBaygo · 14/03/2013 21:23

YABU and YANBU - you know why he doesn't initiate so another discussion is required to explain that whilst you understand, you are not his exwife, he has to leave that baggage behind and you're not going to be inadvertently punished for her behaviour. You always initiating it is going to end up with you feeling unwanted and undesired, places all responsibility for the relationship's sex life on you and sex will eventually become an 'issue' that is harder to resolve. He needs to nip his previous issues in the bud sharp ish.

CognitiveOverload · 14/03/2013 21:27

He's scared of being rejected. Maybe give him a big hint and make do with that.

Original poster

ChipTheFish · 14/03/2013 22:02

Thanks for all the good advice. I think I need to sit down with him and try and reassure him, instead of whining like I have been doing.

In the beginning it wasn't an issue, because we always seemed to be having sex. I didn't notice that as much as he would initiate a kiss and a cuddle, he would always wait for my lead to take it further.

At the time I thought he was just being a gentleman, I didn't realise that the thought of him putting himself out there and me rejecting him scared him so much.

I think I should maybe get of MN and end my self-imposed sex ban, it's helping nobody

OP posts:

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