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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

party dilemma

18 replies

koalalou · 14/03/2013 12:25

Hi, really not sure what to do about this. Will try to keep it brief.

We moved back to Sydney 7 months ago and it took DD1 and DD2 a few months to settle. One thing that helped was our friendly neighbours over the road who made them both feel very welcome - they have lots of animals and a DD who is the same age as my eldest, but in the year below at school. Anyway, DD1(10) is a confident, chatty girl who has quickly made lots of friends and so gets quite a few invites to parties. DD2(8) is very quiet and has made 3 or 4 good friends, and that is it. That's fine, its the way she is.

I have just received party invite from my neighbour for her daughter's birthday party saying 'sorry for the short notice but hope your girls can make it', sent as a group email. I said 'yes they are free' and checked that she meant the invite for both girls. Turns out only DD1 is invited (I should say here that DD1 and neighbour's daughter were friends before we moved away 5 years ago).

The trouble is that DD2 thinks this girl is her friend as well - before Xmas the 3 of them played together all the time. Over Xmas, and since, both DD1 and neighbour's daughter appear to have largely lost interest in each other and spend hardly any time together. DD2 would like to go over to play but won't go without her big sister.

DD2 is quite sensitive and I can't think how to explain why her 'friend' hasn't invited her without hurting her feelings. And while I know she needs to learn hard lessons, she has learnt plenty of those in the last few months having moved away from friends and family. She is only just starting to feel at home here - and our neighbours were a key part of that. I am genuinely worried that this could cause a deeper upset than just 'missing out on a party' - she doesn't seem to mind that she hardly ever gets invited to parties.

AIBU to consider not telling either daughter about the party (and hoping my neighbour understands)?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/03/2013 12:30

I think you should actually tell all of this to your neighbour if you are friendly with her.

FireOverBabylon · 14/03/2013 12:34

I would take your girls out for the day and just say they're not available for the party.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 14/03/2013 12:35

I agree, have a chat with the neighbour.

Our friends DD's have a "shared BF" like this and it does cause problems as she is closer to the older girl, and the younger DD is mainly included because she is there at the time IYSWIM.

I would be ok with inviting both if I was the mum, wouldn't you?

BarbarianMum · 14/03/2013 12:37

I think you should explain to your dd2 that although the other girl is her friend, children usually invite children of the same age to their parties.

We have this quite a lot w ds2 (5). He plays and is friends with ds1's friends but it is not really an equal friendship and of course he is not invited to their parties. It used to upset him but he is getting the hang of it now he gets invites of his own from his friends.

LoopDeLoops · 14/03/2013 12:38

Yes, either speak to neighbour or do something different that day.

KellyElly · 14/03/2013 12:39

Is the girl the same age as you DD1? If she's the same age or older maybe she just see's your younger DD as DD1's little sister? If that's the case and it's all slightly older girls it could be explained to DD2 in that way.

KellyElly · 14/03/2013 12:39

Sorry, I see you said they were the same age in your OP. I would let DD1 go and just explain to DD2 that the party is for older girls.

DeWe · 14/03/2013 12:42

I think the best way to do would be to explain to your younger one that they could only invite children older than a certain age.

If you don't let your dd1 go, or get her invited, then it may get back to dd1 and she may well resent it.

I wouldn't mind inviting the sister generally (assuming there weren't set numbers) in that sort of situation, however it still could easily get back to your pair "I didn't invite your sister but your mum asked if she could come" type of thing, which, in the long run, may be worse.

I find that my younger ones dd2 and ds do tend to think of dd1's friends as their friends too, even though they are 3 and 6 years younger. In fact ds (age 5) was most put out to find the invite for dd1 was not for him as well last week.

Original poster

koalalou · 14/03/2013 12:48

Unfortunately I already replied to say 'yes the girls are free'. Neighbour replied to say sorry only DD1 was invited and that she hoped DD2 wouldn't be too put out. Apparently the date isn't fixed yet and she is sounding people out, so I am now hoping the date changes and I can then have an excuse at the ready.

But it would probably be better if I go round tomorrow and explain. I did reply to her saying it would be awkward and that I would get back to her once I had worked out how to handle it.

Yes, if it were me I would have been happy to have both girls along, especially as it is a 'party in the park' type of birthday.

OP posts:

KellyElly · 14/03/2013 12:50

Why don't you ask DD1 if she wants to go and if she does then let her. It's unfair for her not to go just because her sister may be upset.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/03/2013 12:50

Does she have some friends who you could invite round for a little party at yours, at the same time as the friend's party? Might that soften the blow a little?

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/03/2013 12:51

I would say no, and explain why as you have here. She may change her mind, if she doesn't then spoil the girls somewhere else.

Snoopingforsoup · 14/03/2013 12:53

Agreed, you should tell the neighbour about this.
I'm sure she'll understand and invite both girls. I would.
I can't believe she didn't tell you to bring both after your enquiry actually, common sense dictates both girls require an invite in these circumstances surely?
Odd. Or am I too soft? I invite younger siblings if I know my DC has spent significant time with them and is considered a friend to both. Even if DC prefers one over the other!

Original poster

koalalou · 14/03/2013 12:54

Yes two older girls - DD1 and neighbour's daughter - and one younger. Normally would have no trouble telling DD2 she couldn't go and arranging something for her and a friend on the same day, but for one thing this date isn't fixed yet and for another DD1 and this girl aren't all that close (DD1 didn't even mention her when drawing up the list of friends to invite to her own birthday coming up).

Maybe I will wait until the date is fixed and if I have enough time to sort out something for DD2 then DD1 can go - does that seem reasonable?

OP posts:

Snoopingforsoup · 14/03/2013 12:55

sorry just seen your update!
The woman doesn't back down, tell the girls you're busy that day and take them elsewhere!
What sort of Mother doesn't understand your situation for crying out loud?
Hope Karma bites her on the arse hard!

Original poster

koalalou · 14/03/2013 13:02

If only she'd given me a bit more notice - and a fixed date. Then I could have arranged something for DD2 'before' we got the party invite...

On reflection I think that anything other than making ourselves unavailable is going to end up very messy (emotionally) for DD2. DD1 has lots of other friends and plenty of other invites.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 14/03/2013 13:03

Incredibly rude of her to "correct" your misunderstanding, especially if it's just a gang galumphing round the flaming park!
I'd go with your plan of doing something nice with dd2 on the day. Btw, "only" having 3 or 4 good friends is perfectly fine, you know?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/03/2013 10:35

Just invent an ailing auntie you have to help at the last minure and take the girls away somewhere nice for the day.

Sorry OP I thought it was just a genuine bit of thoughtlessness, not a deliberate exclusion.

I would never invite a neighbours kid without their siblings. School friends are different, but a neighbour??

The irony of it all is your older DD doesn't really want to go, but your younger DD does.

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