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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want sister's financial help?

31 replies

whethergirl · 14/03/2013 12:19

Sister and her husband are comfortable, can't really tell how much so and don't really think about it, my mum seems to think they're loaded. I'm a lone parent and struggle, but I'm resourceful and there's always food on the table.

Recently, ds got prescribed some coloured lenses for his visual stress, but as they're not available on the NHS, I need to fork out £200 odd for them. It will be a struggle but I will manage it, and consdering they increase his reading speed by over 50%, the cost is in some ways not the issue.

My mum spoke to my sister about it, and I'm pretty sure she was hinting at sis to help (which really irritates me). Sis said that she would gladly offer to pay for half of it but that the last time she offered to buy some bedroom furniture for my ds, I made excuses/declined, and she didn't want to embarass me by offering again.

My mum has gone off on one, saying I should put my pride aside as it's for DS, and that this is what family does for each other, I would do the same for her etc. But my mum does have a sense of entitlement which really does bug me and puts me off accepting help even more.

AIBU for not wanting sis to help? If it came down to it, and it was a choice of no glasses or accepting help, then I would take the offer, but my mum's way of thinking, is why should I struggle to pay for it when sis has it to spare.

OP posts:

Dolallytats · 14/03/2013 12:26

If I'm honest, if your sister was ok with helping out I would let her. I have been in the position of needing my sisters/brother/parents financial help and I have also been in the position of helping out these members. It is what families do for each other. It sounds like your mum is is the one holding you back from accepting help rather than your sister.

BarbarianMum · 14/03/2013 12:29

It's up to you. Whatever you decide, your mum should butt out and you should speak to your sister directly to tell her that you appreciate the gesture but that you will come to her if you need help with something and she should ignore your mum.

Rather separately, if she is close to your ds and would like to buy him extra thing/presents some time then there is no harm in that.

LemonBreeland · 14/03/2013 12:30

I think you should speak to your sister and explain to her that you prefer to pay your own way for things. Tell her you are sorry that your Mum has been hinting that she should help and it is not coming from you.

I would also accept if she really wanted to help. Not if she has just been strongarmed into it by your Mum.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/03/2013 12:30

I understand your concerns, after all no one likes to be a charity case or whatever, but yes I think YABU. Your sister sounds like she has good intentions and as it will help your DS out a lot you really should let her lend you half the money.

It isn't your mum lending the money so don't let her shortcomings put you off.

MorrisZapp · 14/03/2013 12:30

Why don't you want the help?

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 14/03/2013 12:33

I also think you should talk to your sister direct.

She may think you have dropped hints to your mother as you don't want to speak to her direct, so you may need to clarify that it's your mother that's gone cap-in-hand to her, not you!

LoopDeLoops · 14/03/2013 12:33

Argh, my mum always does this too... with it being the other way round. She has no idea of any of our finances, and sees her and my sister as the 'poor ones', then DB, then me as 'the rich one'. Actually, I earn less than my sister, and am supporting a family of four on that. I just don't go out much and am quite frugal. So getting hints for large sums of money is annoying sometimes - I'd love to help my family out as I love them, but actually I can't.

SofaKing · 14/03/2013 12:33

I had a thread the opposite way round yesterday, my sister won't stop taking money off me!

If I were you, I would accept, but talk directly to your sister because I think your mum is making this more awkward for both of you. It is a bit embarrassing to lend or borrow within family anyway but your mum seems to be making you both feel worse.

Maybe your sister wants to do something nice for your DS - she loves him too and I'm sure helping to get him something which has such huge benefits for him will make her happy too.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2013 12:33

I'd help out with nephews and nieces where their parents couldn't do it or where it could cause them problems - and be pleased to do it if the offer was accepted. Your Mum should but out though - it's between you and your sis.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2013 12:34

PS - for that sort of money, I'd be gifting it and not loaning it. Not dead keen on loans.

Original poster

whethergirl · 14/03/2013 12:37

Good question MorrsZapp. I guess I'm quite independant, and I know it's silly, but my sister is younger, seems a bit strange for my little sister to be helping me! Also, I just don't like taking money off anyone, unless we're starving and it's absolouteley necessary. Also, as a lone parent and a student, I'm poorer than everyone I know, and I'm a bit paranoid about feeling 'pitied' iyswim? I like feeling like i can provide for my ds, and not the sad case that everyone has to help out.

OP posts:

Original poster

whethergirl · 14/03/2013 12:40

BTW, I know my sister genuinely likes to help out, it's not all coming from my mum. But I do feel I want to speak to my sis about not feeling that everytime my mum mentions me and my struggles, that she is then obliged to chip in. But i know for a fact that she would be very happy to help.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/03/2013 12:40

I wouldn't feel that you're a 'sad case'. People have different financial circumstances - sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down. Families are mostly there for each other which can smooth the bumps in the road.

Original poster

whethergirl · 14/03/2013 12:42

I think that also may be part of me feels that one day, I might really need the help and then I don't want to feel at that point, that I've asked for too many favours. For example, I worry for the future, when I finish my degree and hopefully get a job, how I will afford housing for me and ds.

OP posts:

KellyElly · 14/03/2013 12:43

It's up to you, but as a struggling lone parent myself I would be really grateful for any financial help offered. It is possible to be too proud IMO.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2013 12:46

Speaking for myself, if one of my family needed help on more than one occasion I'd treat it the same if I could still manage it. It's not really 'favours' if you have a good family relationship. Some people have very bumpy roads that's all.

BobbiFleckmann · 14/03/2013 12:46

she's not offering cash, she's buying a present (which she can easily afford) for DS, one whcih will improve life for DS. You accept graciously (to her not via mother), and give her a bunch of flowers / bake her a cake / get DS to make a drawing to say thank you.
My brother's not working at the moment and it annoys me that he's too sodding stubborn to accept anything from me - was going to pay for a course for him to go on, would have been great for him, but he's cutting off his nose to spite hsi face by not wanting to take something off his little sister.

MaxPepsi · 14/03/2013 12:47

Going off on a tangent here.

Not sure what type of optician you have, but if they are anything like mine - an independant one, not a big chain - would they let you pay instalments directly to them?

If you set up a monthly/weekly s/o for an affordable amount your DS would get them immediately and you can spread the cost without having to borrow.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2013 12:48

Quite so - it's a present for DS from his Aunty.

MorrisZapp · 14/03/2013 12:48

In the future no doubt you'll be in a much better place financially, at that point, would you like to be able to help others who might need it? Life is a funny bugger. One day it will be you helping your sister, either with money or with your time when she needs you. This is how families work.

When I had horrendous PND my sister was utterly amazing - she was a total rock in my hour of need. I've got more money than her, and often give her a wee bung or just pass on my daft clothing purchases etc.

It's all even, imo. Families give and take in so many ways.

cocolocopoco · 14/03/2013 12:49

I think if you can pay for it yourself, you probably should.

Best to leave asking for sister's help until you really are in a pickle financially- and if that never happens, all the better.

It would be a bit different if she'd offered herself, enthusiastically, but she seems to have been railroaded into by your mum, and that's just a recipe for resentment.

Original poster

whethergirl · 14/03/2013 12:52

cozietoesie I just don't ever see myself not being the 'sad case'. It might be different if in the future I had plans of earning loads of money and being able to share that with my family, but as I see it, I will always struggle. The profession I am aiming for is not particularly well paid. I will always have to rent a 2 bed for me and my son (if I can afford a 2 bed that is). I have no savings. And I'm 40 so not like I've got years to build anything up!

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/03/2013 12:55

That's OK whethergirl. It's your sis - not a bank. She'll likely enjoy helping out and from what you said in your OP she's being quite sensitive about it.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2013 12:57

Out of interest - does she have DC of her own?

Floggingmolly · 14/03/2013 12:58

It is what families do for each other. Just because you think you can't return the favour financially is no reason not to let them do you a good turn.

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