PMT rant about unavailable ageing relatives!

[LadyBigtoes]

So my mum (who is a very difficult person, but that's a whole other thread, and there have been many) constantly nags us to take the kids to visit her, a journey of several hundred miles. DP's mum likewise - luckily in the same direction. We would go more often, but last time we did the tour to see the grannies, BOTH of them were simply too busy to spend any time with us or their GDC while we there, and we had to entertain ourselves. It was a huge and expensive effort to get there and we might as well have been at home.

Finally we're planning a trip soon, and my mum was v keen, and we agreed on easter weekend to be at hers.

Now we get an email saying she has plans! Plans involving going to a concert and staying over in a different city and seeing her husband's old uni mates etc.

She's not the only one - another great auntie down south is "desperate" to see us and meet DC2 for the first time - but has sent us a couple of very narrow and inconvenient windows when she may be available, which would necessitate us totally rearranging the trip around her.

So feck off then! I mean I know it's wonderful that people in their 70s have such active busy lives. But don't moan on about wanting to see our kids and then fuck off on a jolly when we get there!

AIBU? Grrr.

Don't bother going, just do something else

I have no advice, just empathy. Do something else though, would probably be the way to go. If like me, you think that the kids might miss out on the relationship or that one day the grandparents will suddenly wake up and realise what they're missing, then try to remember that you have tried, it's only half your responsibility. Go and have some fun until they visit you.

Don't bother going. If they are fit and active then they can come and see you sometime.

Another vote for not going.

If they are so fit and healthy and active, maybe they can come and visit you?

oh this does my box in...my parents are the same and the rare times they are in my dad goes and sits in the other room to watch the TV and my mum sits and texts her friends the whole way through the visit. I can just imagine what the reaction would be if I did that when they came to visit me

I hate that when my PIL have made the effort to come to see us (they are retired, should be no excuse) they bugger off back to the hotel as soon as DS goes to bed. Poor DH is usually completely crushed as they have no interest in staying to spend time with him. If we stay with them (they have a spare room, we don't) they sit and watch TV once DS in bed.

Worries me what will happen when/if only one of them is hospitalised/dies as so far away and the relationship is just not there for us to give them much support, let alone physical distance.

Glad it's not just ours! They do visit, occasionally and briefly, often en route to more interesting attractions, but they want us to go to them too. I think they want to see the grandkids in theory, then just aren't that bothered - which is really upsetting for the DC.

And oooohshiny you are so right - my mum demands constant attention when she comes here and if I try to read a paper or send an email for 5 mins, or if the kids want to watch TV, she won't have it! GAH!

Basketofchoc, my mum stays one night here as a concession and one in a B&B because she's so miffed that we don't have a spare room and the kids want to run in and see her in the morning. Not only that, during the time she's here, she makes a visit to the b&b, to "drop off her stuff" i.e. chat and cosy up to the owner.

She is a cow, and I don't mind not seeing her, but the kids get so excited. Plus, she is always going on about how important she is to them!

Don't go. Reply that you don't want to drag your DC's across the country if your mum isn't going to be there. Explain that you were all coming to visit to spend time with her and, as there's now a clash because there's something else she'd rather do, then you should suggest 2 alternative weekends that you are free that she can come and visit.

We are going, because with it being such a long way we have added on some holiday days for us as well and have other friends to drop in on. But we're not changing the agreed days, so my mum will now only see us for half a day. At least DP will be happy :o

another vote for not going.

Send your mum a message - "so sorry you aren't available at Easter. Let me know when you want to come to us." Don't get yourself in a fuss in order to go to them - thing is you know they don't really mean it when they want you to visit, I bet they want to be able to say you visited, or only visit for an afternoon.

Wow that is awful. Talking up wanting to see you all but not actually giving a shiny shit.

My Mum annoys me a bit sometimes as I feel she only wants to see the DGC and not me. She will regularly go to visit my MIL in the evenings when she is here. And don't get me started on arrangings spa days etc for her and MIL while staying at mine. She treats the place like a hotel sometimes. I would never do that at hers. I spend my time with her when I visit.

Oh it gets better! She is has now sent me a whining email about us not being able to stay for long.

I think you need to be very pointed in your reply to that e-mail, something along the lines of:

"Mum, I can't believe you've sent this message, has it not occurred to you that we have taken time off and have arranged to visit you and then you've told me that you've actually got a better offer so won't be seeing us? I'm actually really hurt by your behaviour, and now you want us to change all our plans to stay longer when you can't actually be bothered to see us when we are visiting. It's now too late for us to change our plans, which we made after discussing it with you. How dare you pretend you are'nt seeing much of us because we won't make the effort, you are going away while we're visiting!"

I think it's about time you didn't just suck it up and make it clear she's being unreasonable. So what if you offend her, she's offended you.

Don'tmind, you are totally right, I know you are, but I just can't go there. My mum is such a drama merchant, saying something like that would cause a huge ruckus and she would get all teary and try to suck up to me while simultaneously blaming me for everything. Instead I keep her at arm's length emotionally so it can't ever descend into that. I replied very briefly and matter of factly saying "oh, obviously it would have been longer but you're not available."

Not wanting to drip feed but things in my extended dysfunctional family are a bit stressful ATM and she will grab any opportunity for a woe-fest.

We lived miles from mine and dhs family and visits were scarce.
My dhs family are still here, but mine died several years ago now.
It was always the same I could have written part of your post myself.
They always seemed to busy or disinterested, but my dm said much later that she wished we'd been closer (geographically) and she'd seen dc growing up.
I don't mean to make you feel bad, but personally I regret not making more of an effort and if they are ageing as mine were, its more important.
You always think they are going to be there.

Oh, an overemotional one, my mum's like that. I think then you've done the right thing, keep pointing out it's that she's not available.

On the bright side, she lives a away from you, as do most of your family, if there's a woe fest about it all, you probably won't have to deal with it...