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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why? Why does he not get it?

31 replies

grumpyinthemorning · 14/03/2013 11:06

I've had a fun morning. Woke up to find DS had pulled his nappy off and smeared poop everywhere. And then I get a letter about a reduction in housing and council tax benefit. Turns out they didn't realize I have a child. Even though I told them on every form I've ever filled out.

So I phone DP, just wanting to vent, and he seems to think I've got the arse about having to send an email and run some papers down to the council. Why doesn't he understand that I'm pissed off at routinely dealing with a shit-covered toddler and incompetent local authorities? Is it really so hard to grasp? He was telling me to just send the email, it's sorted then, they told me what I have to do, when all I want to do is cry a little at how crap my morning is.

I would love him to do a day in my life. Sitting in an office would be heaven compared to this.

OP posts:
chris481 · 14/03/2013 12:16

Preface: the following may come across as critical or aggressive, it's really not meant to be, it's just a male perspective. Not saying it's right, it's just a point of view.

Male thinking: time is for getting things done, talking is sometimes required to get things done, if you are talking you must want something done, having listened I realise there is nothing I can do, however as you are my DW so I won't give you a bollocking for interrupting whatever I was doing and wasting my time and yours by talking to me about something about which I can do nothing, I will instead explain to you what actions you need to take, as apparently you are to stupid or emotional to work this out for yourself.

You must not be capable of thinking very clearly, at least at the moment, or you would have realised there was no point speaking about this.

Because of your (hopefully temporary) mental disability, you are not behaving like (my idea of) a rational adult, i.e. a man, so it is neccessary to respond to you in a tone of voice normally reserved for small children. (I see discussion above confirms DH did this)

The idea that telling someone your problems and having them sympathise is somehow beneficial is alien to me. The more you talk and think about a problem, the more you are dwelling on it, therefore you are increasing your own misery. By sharing it with someone else who can do nothing to help you are completely unnecessarily spreading/multiplying the misery.

I suppose you would say you think you do benefit from sympathy. I have trouble seeing why sympathy would make a difference to how anyone feels, as it doesn't in any way alleviate the problem. Apparently I'm not alone in this. (Having said that, I'm exaggerating my lack of comprehension a bit, as I sympathise quite enthusiastically with DD (2.8) when she's upset, and I see it does work)

Useful references: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", the OP is restating the central premise of the book.

Also that Australian movie featuring a serial killer whose title I forget, the central premise of which seems to be that the more male/white/western/rational you are, the more psychopathic (lacking in empathy.) Apparently if you want empathy you should find a rural aboriginal woman to talk to.

MrsMushroom · 14/03/2013 12:17

Put a sleepsuit on DS....so he can't get to the nappy.

chris481 · 14/03/2013 12:30

The Australian movie I was thinking of was "Jindabyne".

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jindabyne_(film)

QuietNinjaTardis · 14/03/2013 12:30

I had to explain to dh that sometimes I just want to rant. I want him to listen to me, acknowledge I'm upset about whatever and then I'm fine. I do not want a solution to a problem and I am not ranting about him just at him to let off steam. Once I explained this we have a lot less arguments as there are less crossed wires because he stops trying to set things out when. Just want him to listen to me!
Could it be something like that..

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 14/03/2013 12:31

Bless you, chris that made me laugh out loud as out is exactly what my dp would think! And if I listen sympathetically to his problems, when he wants suggestions for action....blimey.

Everyone has meltdown moments, even ladies of leisure (not me, step mother, she can have a breakdown about grated carrot) it is all relative. pretend you really are crazy and put your favourite song on and dance around a bit.

grumpyinthemorning · 14/03/2013 13:04

chris that made me chuckle, DP is very much a solutions person.

MrsMushroom he strips completely naked, even when I put him in a sleepsuit Sad there's no solution to that one, all I can do is hope he grows out of it soon. Failing that, I could tape him into his pyjamas...

Just waiting for DP to get home, then I can hand DS over and go lock myself in the bathroom for an hour with a book and a cuppa Grin

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