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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really fecked off with my family about this?

38 replies

badtasteflump · 13/03/2013 10:44

My mum has been living alone for years.

I have siblings who spend every day with my mum. They are both married to useless bastards - one has had affairs and is a creep; the other works all the time and spends all his free time on the golf course or in the pub - his DC (and my sister) hardly see him. Both sisters seem to hate their husbands but don't seem willing (or able) to do anything about it.

There's me in the middle, quite unremarkable life, but married to someone who treats me well and who I've never had reason to moan about (unlike my sisters, who spend all their time together with my mum slagging off the male population - they do actually seem to enjoy it...). When they visit (and it's usually all of them, since they are velcroed (sp) together), I get snidey remarks about 'Mr & Mrs Perfect' (me & DH), which was funny for about five minutes but now it just gets right on my tits. They also try to goad me into joining in their man-hate-marathons, but I won't.

I work PT, none of them work. My sisters have pre-school aged children & mine are older & all at school, so I very rarely need help with child-care - my mum is usually busy anyway, as she's always either at my sisters houses - she is literally never at home & actually has her own room at one of theirs which she stays in most nights.

Yesterday was a rare occasion where I asked my mum for help - I work flexible hours so can usually work around anything, but I was booked to go on a course for the day and couldn't cancel - and my youngest was too ill to go to school. So I phoned my mum who agreed to come & babysit - all fine.

I came home to find a houseful (of course my sisters had to be there too). Everywhere was a fucking mess - my neices & nephews had pulled all the DCs games out all over the floor & they had clearly had a bit of a buffet all around the house, bits of sausage roll behind the sofa, juice on the floor, soggy bits of rusk on window sills, etc. Nobody made any attempt to clear any of it up. Wierdly there was also a huge bare scratched ugly patch right in the middle of my waxed pine kitchen table. I asked my mum why and she snottily said that one of the DC had spilt their drink and how else was she supposed to clear it up? It honestly looks like it's been sandpapered Confused.

What fucks me off is everytime I ask for help, which is rarely, my house is trashed and something wierd happens - like the table incident above. The time before, for example, a couple of months ago (in comparison to my sisters who have Mary fucking Poppins on hand every single day) my mum 'accidently' used stinky bleach to wipe down all my kitchen surfaces - which oozed onto a pile of washing which was ruined and had to be chucked out. The time before one of my neices trashed DC1's bedroom & broke his PSP (he keeps his door shut because he doesn't want them in there - my mum & sisters knows that.

Just realised how long this is - thank you if you've persevered! Anyway, AIBU to expect a little bit of help from my mum every few weeks, when she is honestly on 24 hour duty for my sisters. And AIBU to expect my house not to be trashed in the process? I could have cried last night when I saw my table, and spent all night clearing up their mess after they'd gone. I honestly feel like they try to mess things up for me on purpose - but then I think that would be mad. What the fuck is going on with them???

Am quite miserable about it today, actually Sad

OP posts:
Catchingmockingbirds · 13/03/2013 10:50

Yanbu, they sound horrible.

ratspeaker · 13/03/2013 10:51

pats hand

If your mum is baby sitting could you take your DC to her house thus avoiding the family being st yours?

ChairmanWow · 13/03/2013 10:53

I'm not surprised you feel miserable about it. Accidents do happen, but at the very least they could have tidied up.

YANBU unreasonable to expect a bit of help if your sisters get it. However given your mum and sisters have form for this kind of behaviour you need to be more explicit about just your mum coming over. You could have said 'DC is really unwell and needs some peace and quiet to rest. Could you come on your own?'

Do your sisters' houses get trashed? Given you're usually doing other things you might not be seeing what happens. Perhaps they don't value possessions and things get messed up and broken regularly. If it is definitely just your house then that is a bit weird and sounds like jealousy.

If I were you I'd have some words and try to make alternative arrangements in future. Their relationship sounds a bit scary.

OKnotOK · 13/03/2013 10:53

No unreasonable.

I would also be royaly fecked off at this, some people have no respect for other people property but you would expect your own family to have some for yours.
Maybe it is a bit of jelousy on their part, but still...no excuse.

At least you dont need their help very often (but its small consolation isnt it!).

But you have a good man & a lovely family....so they can SUCK IT!

Feel better dear Thanks Brew

Whocansay · 13/03/2013 10:58

YANBU, but the only thing you can do is not ask for their 'help' again. It's more trouble than it's worth and they seem to be using it as an excuse to rub your nose in it. Not nice people.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/03/2013 10:58

No you are most definitely NBU.

When you're asking for you mothers help can you ask her that she doesn't invite your sisters over to your house without running it by your first? At least then you could say to her then that it doesn't suit you to have X, Y or Z over today.

Alternatively, can you drop your kid(s) over to your mum to look after them whenever you ask for her help. Then if nieces & nephews call over it will be to her house.

Another suggestion would be to lock the doors of the rooms that you don't want the relatives to go into and by doing that, you cut back on the number of rooms that will need fixing after their visit.

Definitly NBU

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/03/2013 10:59

No that's rubbish. Why do your sisters and their kids have to come to yours when she babysits? It's not fair that they trash your house when there's no need for them all to be there. Maybe it would be better if your mum took your DC with her then they wouldn't all be in your house.

I also hate it when my stuff is damaged due to someone else's carelessness. My Dad, lovely in many ways, is very prone to dismantling things to "fix" them or using brute force before asking how something works...

GreatUncleEddie · 13/03/2013 11:01

YANBU but it doesn't seem likely they will change their ways. Poor you.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 13/03/2013 11:03

If your daughter was too ill to go to school, surely she was too ill to have a houseful of people running riot! Thoughtless of them.

I would be annoyed and I would ask that your child goes to mum's house in future.

quoteunquote · 13/03/2013 11:04

I don't think it sounds like your mum wants to help you, or the children,

If a child is ill, you have to ask yourself, why would it want they want their cousins around and why would anyone want to take their children near another ill child.

find other child care arrangements, invite your mum out on fun family days out, to give her a break from the infectious dark behaviour,

Draw some boundaries so you don't get pulled in to toxic behaviour.

Original poster
badtasteflump · 13/03/2013 11:05

Ah thank you all Thanks. You all being so nice is making my eyes water (bit emotional today).

I have suggested my mum could come alone - she has done before, but at some point during the day one of them usually turns up too.

I have wondered if it's jealously - but it seems a bit sick that they would rather I was married to a shit so I could be like them Sad. I don't have anything much to be jealous of - normal sized house, normal everything else, just that I didn't marry a complete wanker!

I think I am going to have to try to come up with an alternative 'emergency child care' plan. Trouble is the times would be so few and far between that I don't think a child minder would want to know. And if I stopped involving my mum, she would hardly ever see my DC - and they do love her, even though she is a nightmare to me sometimes.

OP posts:
NandH · 13/03/2013 11:05

YANBU....do you think they damage your things on purpose? ...bit of a coincidence...and I've never heard of anyone sanding a table to remove squash or bleaching work surfaces :-O

Original poster
badtasteflump · 13/03/2013 11:09

And PS I can't drop the DC at my mothers house as she is literally never there - she is always with sistersat their houses & usually stays overnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
badtasteflump · 13/03/2013 11:11

I do worry that whenever I see them I feel more and more of an outsider and have literally nothing to say to them. But they're the only (extended) family I have Sad

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 13/03/2013 11:16

YANBU at all! I do think there is a level of petty spite and envy going on that is just ridiculous under the circumstances. Your mum is crazy to allow this to happen, and indeed to contribute to it!

Re. your table (I know you didn't ask) I would imagine that one of the little darlings drew on it, and it had to be scrubbed vigorously to remove the pen.

akaemmafrost · 13/03/2013 11:21

YANBU. I wouldn't ask them to babysit tbh. I couldn't stand the trashing of my home as you describe. I bet they'd never admit but but I am sure they are not as respectful or careful as they could be in your home because subconsciously they are taking you down a peg or two.

Original poster
badtasteflump · 13/03/2013 11:23

Ooh I could give you so many examples of 'accidents' in my house....

I put the washing on before I go to work and sort it out when I get home - so I've told my mum 'don't do anything with the washing, I'll sort it when I get home because it can't all go in the tumble dryer'.

Then I've come home to find it's all been tumble dried & half of it has shrunk.

Another time somebody had crayoned all over a sofa cushion - I only found out when I moved it to puff it up a bit (someone had turned it over so I couldn't see it).

Is it wine o'clock yet? Sad

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 13/03/2013 11:26

Ah badtaste, I'd lock 'em all out! that's not accidental, that's deliberate sabotage, sorry. :(

DontmindifIdo · 13/03/2013 11:28

I think it does sound like they do it on purpose. Sad

I guess you can't rely on her at all, is there anyone in DH's family ? For the future, he might ahve to take a day's parental leave rather than ask your family if you can't work round your flexibilty at work. If it's once in a blue moon you have to ask, then make the decision you won't - I bet paying a nanny for the day (you can get emergancy ones for one or two days, worth checking your local area for agencies) would be cheaper than replacing the table.

It is shit, but remember, they have crap lives and crap husbands, at least you are happy. You dno't need the negativity - never get in a situation where you need them and don't invite them over.

Original poster
badtasteflump · 13/03/2013 11:33

I know, you are right. I do think it's deliberate, but then I think I'm a paranoid loon thinking my own famiy would deliberately do shitty things like that.

DH's parents can't help generally - they live further away & have health issues.

But yes I think in future I would rather take a days unpaid (or as you say, have DH take some if I can't) than leave them unsupervised in my house Sad

I feel a bit pathetic that part of me just feels sad that I could easily drift into not seeing them at all - despite the way they act.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 13/03/2013 11:39

Yanbu

They are spiteful bastards.

DontmindifIdo · 13/03/2013 11:42

Yes, try to split it 50/50 with your DH when it needs to be unpaid leave.

The hardest bit is accepting your family aren't what you'd hoped they would be, actually dealing with it once you've come to that conclusion is far easier. I have a much better relationship with my parents now I keep them at arms length and keep much more control over my relationship with them. It now wouldn't occur to me to ask them for help.

fairylightsinthesnow · 13/03/2013 11:42

with the squash, it may have NOT been cleared up the acidic juice may have taken the wax off. This happened to mine when DH didn't mop up a spill and it got left all day. YANBU on everything by the way - I think you'll have to set some clear rules or find different childcare (not easy I know when you only need it occasionally)

ChipTheFish · 13/03/2013 11:45

What a horrible situation to be in. Misery does love company though. I think that maybe to them you seem so settled and together, and they are envious and are trying to undermine you.

I don't have any good advice other than to say don't let them get you down, and assert yourself when you are around them. If you say that it is just your mum that has to come round then that should be the end of it, your house isn't a free for all.

You sound like a very patient and level headed person to manage not to react to their inconsiderate behaviour, I don't think I could!

aldiwhore · 13/03/2013 11:48

They sound utterly resentful of you and your family. I think you have to accept that, much as you love them, you don't have to like them, and you cannot count on them EVER for real help.

Once you accept that, you may feel a little more tolerant of their shit... you also won't feel so heartbroken. You have a lovely familyat home, concentrate on that, not the ones you've grown apart from. It IS sad, but trust me, you're wasting tears by wishing they'd change.

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