to be a massive chicken when it comes to confronting DH?

[extremepie]

Well, just that really!

Things between us have been fine, mostly because I'm surpressing my true feelings - if I'm honest I'm unhappy how things are at the moment and feel I need to have a very serious discussion with him about what things I would like to change if we are going to have a future together.

The problem is, he takes any sort of negative comment really really badly. This is mainly why I have been surpressing my feelings for so long because I just can't bear the big screaming argument that will result, we just end up in a situation where he doesn't listen and won't take any of my comments on board because he is so angry and defensive.

I can't live my life without challenging him on his behaviour because I'm worried about how he will take it and I don't want to give up on him either.

What is the best way to do this? I've been thinking about writing a letter but that seems so....I don't know, it just doesn't seem right. I've thought about having another person there who knows us both but can be a bit more objective but I think that would probably make him angrier that I told him our relationship needed work in front of other people.

What do I do?

Has he always been like this? Do you have children? Is he like this with other people?

My other half is exactly the same, I told him last night I wasn't happy with our relationship and that I feel as though I live with a friend with benefits not my partner.

He said he thinks we are fine, laughed and carried on watching tv!

I really have no advice! Hope someone can help!

You can't live your life avoiding confrontation, you'll have to tell him how you feel and just ignore him when he throws his dummy out of the pram! But on the other hand do you really want someone who you can't tell things without him blowing up?

Yes we do norks, DS1 is 6 & DS 2 is 4 (he also has ASD).

He is like is with other people but a lot more toned down.

There is nothing huge or major 'wrong', nothing like DV or anything just general laziness and taking me for granted :(

He has depression so I feel that doesn't help his instinctive reaction to being critisised but at the same time I feel like that is not enough of an excuse for me to let him get away with everything!

Can he dish it out but not take it? Is he shy when it comes to expressing how he feels about an issue?

If your instinct tells you he'll feel ganged up on if you involve someone else a letter might be the best way forward. Not ideal but you need to get past stalemate.

It's not nit picking or being unreasonably critical if you feel he takes you for granted. Pick your moment - fed, relaxed, sober, not on his way out somewhere.

Letters can be good as you can express yourself without getting all up tight and tongue tied (or forgetting half of what you weant to say) Make sure though anything you put in writing you raelly do believe so it can't come back and bite you on the bum though!

Yes, pretty much donkeys!

If he had a problem with me I don't think he would be shy about telling me about it, in fact a lot of the time when we do argue about stuff it turns into a 'who is worse' battle.

For example, if we were arguing about how much he spends a week on fags it would go something like this:

Me - "you need to cut down, you're spending £40 a week on fags that we can't afford"
DH - "Well you spend £40 a week on going out and drinking so you can't talk!!"

(I don't BTW, he also tends to exaggerate a lot when he is angry)

Maybe not a letter but perhaps you could write a list, essay style (Point, Evidence, Explanation).

You could also include the things you like and why on the list to sort of lessen the blow (?)

Come at the £40 spent on fags from the perspective of being worried about his health and suggest cutting down. Don't mention the money if that will cause an argument.

If you don't think he is pulling his weight, tell him to do things instead of expecting them to be noticed and done. Obviously tell him in as nice a way as possible.

Just suggestions really.

If you can, stick to a specific issue, one particular area regarding a request for help. I don't mean pussy foot around him or let him off the hook. As Youthecat infers sometimes the excuse for not doing more is, "If only they were direct! Why didn't they ask?"

If he starts blustering or whining keep calm, don't rise to the bait. If he jumps down your throat every time you challenge him I think you have every reason to weigh up what your future holds.

Tbh it is grossly unfair that people can manage tempers at work or with mates then let rip at loved ones.

Before you broach what is bugging you, start changing what you do. Ease up on what you do automatically, don't enable his laziness.

(I take it that his depression has been diagnosed by a GP and he is taking something for it?)

He has been diagnosed by a GP but it not taking anti-depressants as they do not really agree with him (or my mom for that matter!) but we are both due to have a councilling appointment tomorrow to try and help with that.

I think atm the thing that is annoying me the most is that he point blank refuses to get up in the morning to take the DC'S to school. We are both not working at the moment so there is no reason why I have to do it all the time other than the fact that he (in his own words) "isn't good in the mornings". Er, I'm not good in the mornings but I still have to do it because it's my job as their parent to make the effort and it infuriates me that he will not make the same effort. Even when I was (still am) really ill with the flu and could barely stand up he would not get up and do it.

But what can I do? I can't physically force him to take them and I can't put my foot down and not do it myself as then they won't go to school!

Hence my predicament now :)

Was he like this before the depression?

It's a bit worrying that you can't air your feelings. It's never an easy thing to do, but the fact that he's so defensive and angry you feel you have to suppress your feelings is concerning. I say this as someone who went through this with an ex. In retrospect his behaviour was part of an overall tendency towards bullying. But you should be able to express youself.

Can I ask, does he intimidate you physically or verbally? If not then maybe you just need to start talking and eventually he might learn to take it in a more mature way. If he is intimidating you then it sounds like you have some serious issues to work through.

Honestly, I don't think so but it is hard to remember as he has been depressed for so much of our relationship I find it hard to remember what he was like before (probably 6yrs our of 8).

If you went out before the kids needed taking to school would he get up and do it? I know when I had pnd I wanted Dh to do all the responsible stuff as I felt I couldn't face it but if he did just say "I have to go out" and left me to it I did get up and get on with stuff (I think it was often the depression that made me say I wouldn't/couldn't do it).

He is a bit intimidating, verbally more than physically but he is a big bloke (6ft4ish) so he 'looms' over me without doing it on purpose.

Hopefully the counselling will help :)

I have thought about doing that crafty but I think I might get a phone call from the school asking why they were not at school that day..

So (guessing the answer already) if you get up in the morning and get them up and off to school, does he take over after the late afternoon/evening meal and put them to bed?

I've been known to write letters and stick them on DH's sodding computer keyboard.

Or simply cut out the middle man and Email him (that way it's legible and spell checked).

Not very often, but there are times when he is being unreasonable.