To be totally fed up with my dh's attitude to weight loss and fitness?

[Blowin]

My dh is 6ft1 and weighs 15 and a half stone, this puts his bmi at 28.6. For years, he has been going on about losing weight and getting fit, and i have done my best to encourage this. He has over the last couple of years, joined a gym, started a fitness class, and last year bought a bicycle and all the gear with it. All of these things he did for a couple of months, got bored, then gave them up.

This year he has spent over 1k painting and carpeting a room over our garage, putting in a treadmill, and a huge tv, in order to exercise in there. In two months he has gone into it twice, for 20 mins or so each time.

Now, I know a little exercise is better than nothing, and i always facilitate him in his efforts, ie encourage him along, helping him choose a bike, going out for walks with him, asking how gym class is going etc etc, but the thing is, whilst he may be, probably is, a little fitter in the last couple of years due to all this effort, he is still not one pound lighter.

He weighs himself every single morning, not to see if he has lost weight cos he knows he probably hasnt, but in order to satisfy himself that he hasnt put it on. He is constantly saying he would like to lose a stone, (and frankly he really needs to as has a large gut) but he seems to think he can still eat chocolate bars and crisps every day, and have a pile of pints at the weekend, and still lose weight.

I have given up trying to tell him the obvious, ie that if he really wants to lose the weight then he has to combine exercise plus diet, and will have to cut out/down on the crap he eats. He gets extremely annoyed with me if I say anything to him about his eating habits, really defensive and tells me that i am unsupportive of him, and that at least he is not obese (wtf like i should be grateful for that?) So i have given up talking to him about it as obviously it causes him to get all het up and i dont want to have a row about it and turn it into a big issue.

But i am finding it SO hard to bite my tongue and not shout out, FFS, you dont have to spend a fortune to get fit and lose weight, just pick an activity that you can do, and eat less crap for a while. No magic formula. Just some self discipline. But of course i cant say that, i have to keep watching him throw good money after bad on exercise equipment, (his next idea is a personal trainer) and watch every day as he eats the crisp, picnic bars and drinks the fizzy drinks.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Fascicle - well I hope that is the case with dh, but am not too optimistic tbh

I have a brother who is 6 feet 3 and probably nearing 18stone.
He is very square in the torso. So if you met him you wouldn't necessarily think " you fat bastard" as he is very solid, but he is very over weight.
He is having bad back problems, struggles to bend down to put his socks on.

He eats too much and drinks too much and rarely exercises.
I hatethe fact that at 60 he is like this.

Blowin could you try 5:2 for a bit, see if that inspires your DH to join you? My DH has no weight to lose (unlike myself) but has been intrigued by me doing it and me going on about the health benefits so he's doing it now. He ensures he eats well on the non-fast days so he doesn't lose weight (which you could do if you don't need to lose)... 5:2 seems to appeal to men (anecdotal experience).

My OH is 5 foot 11 and 15 stone so I wouldn't immediately think your OH was hugely overweight based on his BMI alone.

I also think that it's better to be a slightly overweight person doing exercise than a lighter sedentary person who does no exercise but doesn't eat so much.

You say you have recently cut out a lot of sugar, have you lost weight, are you perhaps a bit evangelical about what you've done and expect him to behave the same?

ILIKE - I have cut down a lot on sugary processed food, but i still have chocolate every day and enjoy wine at the weekends. I wouldnt think i am evangelical cos i hate it when people are obsessive about their diets or exercise routines. I couldnt try the 5.2 diet though because i am already quite slim and reallly wouldnt want to lose anymore weight.

I wish i could suggest the 5.2 diet in such a way that it wouldnt cause a row, but even tonight, we had his brother and sister in law over for dinner and they were talking about the 5.2 diet, and i said a friend of my sisters had tried it and it worked really well and he just dismissed it and made a joke of it, saying that all my family just hang out with nutters anyhow, or something along those lines. I dont know why i bother, i think i will just leave it be.

Either refuse to engage at all (change the subject, just go "mpf", or say "bored with this conversation" and walk out) or alternatively throw a massive, red faced, screaming harridan strop next time he mentions it. Definitely stop the nicey nicey supportive stuff. It's not working.

Speaking as someone who finds it difficult to stick with an excercise regime and can lose interest easily, I would recommend him entering a 'fun run' like a 5k or something. I realised that for me I am more driven by the fear of doing badly at something than getting pleasure from doing well. Excercise for excercise sake bored the hell out of me,but as soon as I entered the race it gave me a purpose and deadline to work towards, plus I was terrified of looking a complete idiot on the day, so got up most mornings to train.
Perhaps it's something you could enter together and get a little competitive spirit going? It could be for a charity that he relates to as well - I found having people sponsor me spurred me on, as I didn't want to let anyone down...

My DH is like you, I am the one who could do with losing weight. The fact that he is more interested in my weight than I am is something I find incredibly hurtful. You do not have the right to tell anyone else how they look, even if you are married to them.

"he would look and feel so much better"
You do not sound like a nice person. Love him for what he is not how much better he "could" be.

Ps yabu.

Eggsbo I would love to do a fun run or any run with him, but he flat out refuses to take up running as we live in a small town and he is worried about his image and that his mates/acquaintances etc would take the piss out of him, that he would look somehow stupid- i know that is completely ridiculous for a 43 year old man but thats the way he thinks. Actually one of his best mates took up running recently and trained for a half marathon and i was hopeful that dh would maybe take it up with him, but he totally dismissed it, saying that it just wasnt for him.

Minkus - I dont agree actually, i think my dh is deeply disatisfied with himself, evidenced by the constant daily weigh-in, and its because i love him that i wish he could feel fitter, more energetic and reduce his risk of diabeted, heart disease etc and live a longer life fgs.

In a way, whether you're right to be concerned for him (of course you are, this is about health primarily, appearance only in as much as it affects how he feels about himself) is irrelevant if he's not going to listen to you.

He needs some sort of jolt or epiphany to shift his perspective if he is to change. That might come if he sees an unflattering picture of himself and can't believe he looks that fat, or if a doctor tells him his diet is endangering his health in an immediately tangible way, an assessment at the gym rates him as deeply unhealthy (I bet he thinks he's average) or somesuch.

In the meantime, you must stop facilitating his money-down-the-drain dream schemes (I'd be really honest and direct about that). I'd be suggesting that the bike and exercise equipment are sold on Ebay to make money for a holiday. After all, if he hasn't made good use of them in two years, or whatever, he isn't going to. If he protests, set a deadline - say three months - and if they're not in established, regular use (multiple times a week) they're out. That shifts the focus from nagging him to exercise to clearing the house / raising funds / having a lovely holiday via acknowledgement of the 'open secret' that he's never going to use this stuff, without dwelling on that. If that pulls out a crutch of dreamy aspiration from under him (while it's there I can pretend I plan to use it) and helps him face up to reality as a byproduct, all the better.

Op your dh knows he is overweight and deep down wants to do something about it, and when he really finally makes up his mind to then he will. And is he wants any help then he will ask for it.

In the meantime there is absolutely nothing that you, or anyone else, can say to persuade him. All you will do is annoy him and get his back up.

I have had to endure advice, encouragement and other well meaning comments from friends and family for years, and it is excruciating. Never once have I thought, "oh yeah, you're right, maybe I will stop eating crap, thanks for the suggestion". I have a mirror and a brain, I know why I am fat, and I know what I need to do to be less fat - it may be hard but it isn't rocket science. I will address my weight when I am ready to do so and not because somebody else tells me they think I should.

As it happens, I decided to do something about it and am currently losing weight; there was no particular trigger, I just woke up one day and decided to change things. But I didn't tell anyone, and I feel really awkward now when people comment on the fact that I am turning down food or choosing healthier options than I would have once done, to the point that I sometimes choose the less healthy options to avoid having to discuss it. It is my business and nobody else's and pressure from other people really makes the issue even worse, even if they think they are being positive.

Get him an MOT health check with your GP who will prob frighten him to death re the health risks. Then get a dog ... or a pedometer to do at least 12,000 steps a day walkig ... Otherwise, never take the life, always walk up the escalator and pudding only twice a week with no snacking. Its a life change not a diet. Unless he wants high cholesterol, diabetes and heart desease....and a shortened life span ..

Can you not try doing something together? 2 years ago my husband of 6ft was about 17stone and I was nearly 13 1/5 stone. We both realised we needed to do something so started the pig to twig and both lost 2 stone by working together as a team. My husband loved it as it is quite a "mans" diet ie. no weighing and measuring, no low fat nonsense and not particularly any exercise (that can come later when some of the weight is off). He ended up doing a lot of the cooking and preparing as it involved a lot of his kind of food. We have managed to more or less maintain and whilst we could both do with another stone or so off the kick start was great. We very much egg each other on in this house, whether by eating well or not and the only way we manage to stick to anything is when we are in it together. Although you personally might not have a lot to lose could you not say you want to try a low carb or even 5:2 for general health benefits and it would be great if he joined you?

Within a month of us starting our diet a friend and her husband did the same - she wasn't that overweight but he was nearly 24 stone. They lost 20lbs and 6 stone respectively and have kept it off. The husband is 65 and has never ever dieted in his life - didn't particularly want to but this WOE just worked for him.

I will say that even at 14 1/2 stone by husband's BMI will still be high and in the 16 years I have known him I have only seen him get under 14 stone once - to maintain that was unsustainable...

I think the personal trainer is a good idea actually - he needs somebody impartial who he doesn't have an emotional relationship with to push him towards eating better. And a pt WILL deal with the diet side of things as well as exercise if he tells them his goal is to lose a stone.

I think that you should not try to suggest how he should lose weight or even that he should do it, you just need to sit tight, wait till he does it for himself and then support, support, support. (as somebody said, it's like giving up smoking, it has to come from within).

Minkus
I am very overweight and sometimes my DH does comment. I asked him why and funnily enough it wasn't because he was focussing on my looks it was because its hard watching the person you love doing something that is harmful to them. Don't assume your DH is concerned about your looks, I suspect he is concerned about your wellbeing.

I'm finding 5:2 is working for me too.

He should take up smoking.

Lol Grovel!

Thanks for all advice and suggestions. I think I am going to go with the "hands off" approach for the time being.

He would never start a diet, any diet, with me. He would see straight through that and see it as me trying to get him to diet, which he would resist. (stubborness is a family trait!)
As to exercising with me, I have always encouraged this, but the only thing he will do with me is accompany me on a walk, from time to time, but not enough to constitute a regular habit, and if he feels he is being coerced into it he will just refuse and get irritated.

I guess he just knows he needs to lose weight, and he knows I know this, and resents my efforts, well-meaning as they are, to help him achieve this goal. For instance, he will avoid going to the GP as he probably knows what the GP will tell him. If I try and insist he gets a check up, again with the irritation and anger.

I think I am going to have to leave him alone on this one, its the only way, and hope that some day he will see a photo of himself and decide now is the time.