To think the Head Teacher shouldn't have said this

[WorriedMumof3]

I've been so worried about my DD2 9 yo for years.

I finally posted in Special Needs last week andvgotbsome great advice.

I spent the whole weekend crying, worrying and talking about things with a close friend and DH.

We finally decided that her problems needed addressing. I think she has some aspergers traits. It's affecting our everyday life I.e. DD has such poor social skills she has no friends, has been bullied (school have tried to sort this out). She is becoming more withdrawn, just sits in her room reading/writing all the time etc. she as bad temper tantrums, lashes out and will only wear certain clothes. The list goes on and on.

Anyway after a traumatic weekend and finally reaching the conclusion that there was a bigger problem, I emailed the school and asked for a meeting with the Head. I didn't ask to see her teacher as she just completely talks over me the whole time and I never get a word in edge ways.

I'm quite a passive compliant person so this is a big deal for me.

It is a new Head teacher who started after half term, so only in post a few weeks. She called me to find out why I wanted the appointment. I said I would rather speak to her in person and with my DH. Anyway, after much cajoling on her part, I finally told her about my worries regarding DD. She replied 'well, there is nothing wrong with her as far as I can see, but come in anyhow and we'll see what we can do' Or words to that effect.

I am completely deflated. I think we will be in for a long battle, and maybe it's not worth it after all..

Was this an appropriate thing to say, or am I over reacting? I'm quite emotional anyhow o not sure?

I wonder if you being very reluctant to say what the meeting was about made the headteacher a bit defensive? If someone said they wanted to have a meeting with me but they wouldn't say what it was about I would assume it was something bad and maybe that they wanted to complain about me. I'd also feel that i wasn't being given the chance to prepare for it. Maybe it rubbed her up the wrong way a little, but hopefully it will go well when you meet with her, now that you have explained what it is about.
I wouldn't see her comment as indicating that she will refuse to take your concerns seriously, especially as she hadn't had time to think through what you had said. It just sounds like an off the cuff reaction to me.

See your GP. Write all your concerns and worries down like you have here. Give it to the GP.

Worriedmum Fingers crossed that the meeting will go well. But if the school tries to dismiss your worries, it's worth remembering that you have the absolute right to have your concerns taken seriously. After months of being belittled, patronised and ignored by the school, I was told by a professional that it had a legal obligation to take my views on board and that I was the most important person in all this (apart from DS, of course!). It really helped me to know that when I went into meetings from then on.

Also - and this is jumping the gun a bit - if your DD IS diagnosed as having Asperger's traits, there are a surprising number of positives, which are beginning to be recognised by educational experts, employers etc. I wouldn't be surprised if in ten years time Asperger's was as fashionable as food intolerances are now, with people falling over themselves to claim they're on the spectrum whether they are or not. But, until that happy day comes, it's important to make sure children have all the support they need so they can achieve their full potential. It's been delightful seeing DS acquire motivation and begin to achieve at a high level - something I wouldn't have thought possible when he was in primary school.

Are you concerned about her academic progress at all? I would also write down a clear summary of your concerns for school and your GP and suggest school refer her to be seen by an Educational Psychiatrist.

OP I know exactly where you are coming from. Both my DDs have AS and the schools concerned consistently told me that they saw no problems.

My younger DD was in MS last year and I was constantly told that she had lots of friends and was happy and integrated in the playground. She was telling me different. This year she is in a specialist unit in a MS school and at her annual review the staff raised concerns that, although she has lots of acquaintances and can apparently chat appropriately with other pupils she has not developed anything they would term a friendship and they would like to put measures in place to help her to do that. This is the difference between professionals who don't understand AS and those who do. Many who don't are still very free with their opinions.

You are quite right to approach the school for support for your DD. They need to accept that she could be covering up significant difficulties in school in an attempt to fit in and slip under the radar but the cost to her of doing so is very high. Tony Attwood has put lots of information out there about girls with AS. Google him and listen to some of his interviews. You may be able to borrow one of his books from your library. They are excellent.

There is a lovely forum called ASD Friendly which is very supportive and sensible. The people on their can give you good links to resources to explain to the school how girls with AS can falsely appear to be coping in school.

Unless you are exceptionally lucky, you are about to start down a long an difficult road in terms of diagnosis and getting support in school. Your parenting skills may be called into question and your opinion may be dismissed as unimportant. Remember that you are your DD's advocate and the only person in the process for whom her welfare is the overriding priority. You are the expert in your child and should be recognised as such. Don't worry about what people think of you. Just concentrate on getting you DD the support she deserves.

Please PM me if you would like to. I would be happy to support you through this if it would help you.

I'm quite a passive compliant person so this is a big deal for me.

You're going to have to change, sorry, I don't know how to say that nicely.
Relative has an adult son with Downs Syndrome. One reason she considers her son the best thing that ever happened in her life is that she had to change, to become his advocate. it was holding her back in lots of other ways, her chronic shyness and tendency towards passivity.

Good luck. I am having a somewhat similar battle with DC school over my 8yo.

I don't think she said anything wrong tbh. What would you have liked her to say?

I do think you are going to have to toughen up as others have said, but I know it's hard. Hope you get the outcome you want x

Goldmandra your dd's teachers sound so perceptive.

I know! I'm pinching myself after years of having both girls in dreadful school provision, expecting it all to fall to pieces at some point

The suggestion is that they start by identifying a couple of pupils who she gets on fairly well with and arrange for them to eat lunch together in a quiet room on some days (DD2 can't tolerate the dinner hall).

If this is successful they will then introduce some lunchtime activities tailored to what the group enjoy in the hope of giving them some common positive experiences. It will be very experimental because you can't really manipulate friendships easily and they fully expect to have to make changes and pick up the pieces often as they go along.

Unfortunately you'll most probably have to fight constantly for your DD. DS has AS and his old HT was just awful, but school can't diagnose so don't let her opinions get you down too much.

Writing down all of your concerns before going to speak to her (or any professional involved with your dd) helps a lot. I spent about a year with my bag full of notepads, pens, and lists about DS and AS.

The educational psychologist can help a lot without a dx, although they can't give a dx. Keep pushing your GP for a paediatrician appointment and a referral to CAMHS. You'll be turned away a lot but just keep pushing people and you'll eventually be listened to. I was up at the school every few days, the GP every week, and practically harassed the SALT for the autistic diagnostic service details before I eventually had a referral to the paediatrician. Don't give up

Good post from Catching.

You need to keep a record of every conversation you have and your own minutes of every meeting. Get a lever arch file and keep all the letters and notes in date order. This may sound OTT but it will make your life a lot easier if you have to fight for provision in the future.

Hi, yes we had the meeting on Friday morning. It went a lot better than I thought. The HT admitted that she didn't know DD very well at all. DD does however come to speak to her annoyingly every day in an over familiar type way. She thought she was a lovely polite child

She took on board a lot of what we had to say and showed great empathy for DD.

Her plan of action was to first introduce a 'circle of friends' for DD so they could all work together and talk about friendships, exclusion etc to see if this improved friendships for DD. She also advised she would bring our concerns to the attention of the SENCO. Incidentally she is a teacher I know well, I just wasn't aware that she was also the SENCO. She is also going to have a meeting with the SENCO and the counsellor that sees DD weekly. They are going to observe her in the playground over the next 2 weeks. We are then all going to sit down together to discuss the way forward.

Later that day the SENCO called me up and we had a really lovely chat about our concerns for DD. She admitted that she was no expert in Aspergers, especially in girls, but would do all she can to help. She advised that I spoke to the GP also and raise my concerns there.

I have told them, that if they don't think this is problem, then there is another problem that needs sorting out and it is not going to go away. I think they got the point.

I am not going to contact the GP until I hear from the school again in 2 weeks. I think this is best?

Thanks everyone for all your help and advice. It has been invaluable. I am sure this is only the start of a long road but we feel we have made a start. I just want DD to get the help she needs.

That sounds really positive. They seem to be starting on the right track.

The suggestion to contact your GP is a good one. In order to get a diagnosis your DD will need to be seen by either CAMHS or a community paediatrician, depending on where you live. The waiting list for CAMHS is usually months rather than weeks so the sooner you get the process started the better.

The GP may brush off your concerns. If this happens you need to be insistent that what you are describing in your DD can't be dismissed as normal or just hormonal pre-teen behaviour, that you are very worried about her well-being and she needs to be assessed ASAP. Don't leave without a referral being agreed.

I'd second the suggestion to get your DD's GP on board with a referral asap. Diagnosis wheels move slowly and the quicker you can start the medical process the better.

Sounds like you're doing really well.

I'd get the ball rolling tbh, as gold says the appointment could take months. Here in Glasgow we need a gp to refer you to a community paediatrician (which took 4 months for us) who then assesses the child and then if needed, and another professional (preferably a SALT) agrees, a referral to CAMHS is made for a diagnosis (which took a further 9 months), so rather than a GP referring to one or the other we need 2 professional to agree just for a referral to CAMHS who then do further tests. It's a nightmare.

Another one to say to get the ball rolling with the GP - it can take months and months to get an appointment.

Circle of friends is used in a lot of schools to support social skills - its very good at bridging some gaps.

Here a NHS referral to comm paed or CAMHS (depending on age) is needed for diagnosis

Main thing tho is to start building in support / observations as school are doing - it will be what makes the difference in the long run