To want to scream at DP for "singing" in the kitchen whilst everything else is falling apart

[Lucyellensmum95]

1. Everything is fallen apart - ive just left my job (and please don't flame me for this - i was on the verge of a breakdown, now on valium and citalopram) that didn't really pay well,, but it was some money.
2. DP self employed, but now has no work - i thought he had a few more weeks and this woudl buy us time - he hasn't
3. We are behind with our mortgage already, we might not be able to make this months payment (but we might be ok as we have a little bit of money left - not alot - it will be mortgage or eat if no work comes in in the mean time )

We have about two weeks "grace" i think before we are on the bones of our arses and up shit creek without a paddle.

My anxiety levels are the highest they have ever been (mostly caused by bastard employers - i have anotehr thread about this and don't want to go on about it)

So what is DP doing - fucking dancing around the kitchen with the radio on, singing like he has just won the lottery .

Everything is falling apart and he is burying his head in the sand - I don't know what the fuck to do.

I have an appointment with an agency tomorrow but i have no chance as my bastard employers (who are part of the reason i feel so ill) have said that whilst they wont write a bad reference if they are asked if i can work under pressure they will say no (this is totally unfair as the pressure was due to lack of training and support).

I probably need a kick up the arse but i just feel like im under a black cloud - im not wanting DP to feel like this, but he is carrying on like everything is ok when it blatantly isn't ok!!!

Maybe it's his way of coping?

LucyEllensMum - YANBU to feel like this. You are stressing, and he is not, and that makes it feel as though it is all on your shoulders.

Good luck at the agency - do stress to them that you were offered absolutely no training or support, that should show them why you had to leave that job, and that they are clearly not good employers.

(Weren't you on that 'other' thread with me awhile ago, both under different guises - for some added support?)

He's doing what I do. Sing loudly enough so you can't hear yourself think. And I don't blame you for wanting to scream at him either, it's probably bloody annoying but it is a way of coping.
for you, everything seems to have dropped on you at once, I really hope things improve for you.
Oh, and YANBU but neither is he x

Read your other thread too... No advice.

Tough times! Chin up

YANBU you are stressed.

But I don't think he is being necessarily unreasonable either. It could just be coping with things in different ways.

Go and talk to the CAB, do tell your mortgage provider (in writing).

Good luck!

Could you speak to your mortgage company and ask for a mortgage 'holiday'. I'm not too sure how these things work? If you have some time on your hands try having a sort out and sell some stuff. Sorry I'm probably not being much help but it might just help pay for a few meals. YANBU. Try to sing and dance with your DP. It might ease your stress levels temporarily and it doesn't sound to me like either of you are to 'blame' for your circumstances - you still have each other and will get through it together. Good luck

Sympathies - we're having to think about selling our house too...

Can you go interest only?
Rent the house out?

I sing when I am nervous. It can help. Carra mia mine.

we could rent the house out i suppose titchy - but theres not much room in the shed

The problem is, we were in dire straits with the mortgage company before and have had too many "arrangements" DP wont let me talk to them because "he will get a job" "work will come in" and "it will be ok"

We are just off out to put some ads in the local shops - i dont feel very positive about it really as people tend to find tradesmen through word of mouth, which is how DP has found work for the past 7 years, he hasn't had to advertise beore. Usually the work does just come in but its slowed right down. I was only brining in about £200 a week but it was something - the trouble is, i was fucked over by my employers really and it became untenable. Now of course i wish i had stayed on, but i just couldnt cope

Put some ads on mumsnet and netmums local!

Can i do that HSS? How do i do that - v interesting

He can't realise how irritating you find it, think like others are saying he is keeping his spirits up and I hope the ads bring work in.

I am no expert but I don't think your old employer can torpedo your chances - anything negative you just brazen it out, "Well they would say that wouldn't they". Without slagging them off you can say that you soldiered on - true- and gave of your best - true- in spite of their support system being non existent -true. Huge difference between pressure, (high expectations, consistent delivery of quality performance, targets and timetables) and stress such as you experienced, (questionable management, poor support of staff).

Not sure how on mumsnet but on netmums it looks straightforward as I have advertised for sale items there before... Nothing to lose!!

Please don't be angry with me when I say YABU to want to scream at your DH for singing when everything else is falling apart.

We are constantly living about 3 weeks from nothing at all, the worry and seriousness of it all are very real.

I sing, I dance, I go for walks, I laugh with the children, and goof around. If I didn't I would fall apart. This is my life, and those little moments of joy make it bearable, make it worth it actually. The bits in between the worry.

I try to get done what I can get done, I deal with everything in my area of influence, I work through the list of deadlines and debt-d-days one by one, I do all I can. I refuse to allow it to impact on every part of my life.

I know you're poorly. YANBU to be affected the way you are and YANBU to find it irritating. YABU to expect everyone else to be serious and morose at all times in the kitchen, what problems are in the kitchen? What problems can be solved in the kitchen? What is the problem with thinking FUCK IT and dancing iin the kitchen?

I do understand the frustration with living with someone who's always done quite well via word of mouth, exactly the situation I'm in... he has to seek it out now, and it's not a strong point of his. Yes, that annoys me greatly, I've turned into his PR guru, but I can't actually get him the work, his business doesn't work like that, all I can do is research possibilities, the rest he has to do himself.

I am not sure what help is available, and I know it's fashionable to bash anyone on benefits, but I would go and see if there's any help available for you in the short term. x

aldiwhore - thankyou, not angry at all, its probably what i needed to hear. I am just finding it really hard to be positive at the moment. We have actually been much worse than this and at the point of going to sainsbury with a bag of 2ps to change in one of those chane machines to scrape together £30 for a weeks shopping. Hopefully it wont come to that this time. Been around putting adds in shop windows today but it just feels so futile. Have rescheduled agency interview tomrrow so am going throuh the motions of positivity even if im not feeling it.

Poor DP, i made him switch the radio off in the end (when i get like this, i need quiet - have been known to sit on the sofa ALL day in total silence, not moving :( ) But he has been brilliant - he is being the positive one, i realise that he may not be perfect, he may walk around with his head in the sand or have some batshit stupid ideas but he is being unbelievable in supporting me - i know how hard it is lie iwth omeone with depression. Im very lucky

A little tip - don't use supermarket change machines they charge you 7% for the privilege, do it at the bank instead.

Thanks Boby, i think its actually 10% but i didn't mind at the time as it counts it for you :) You wouldn't want to be counting too much in there!

DP just got a sniff at a potentially lucrative contract tht we have to give a "ball park" estimate tomorrow so fingers crossed (will keep us going all summer) please God!!!

I really feel for you.
The reality of not being able to pay bills or buy food can result in a hideous, paralysing fear.
Can he mention on Facebook that he has a couple of weeks of free time and is available to start NOW in whatever his trade is?
My Son IL used to leaflet cars in the local car parks, though obviously that involves a printing cost.
Try some positive thinking - imagine the phone ringing with good news for both of you - though I do know this is easier said than done when 'the fear' is there.
Fingers crossed for you.

Is there any thing you can realistically do to solve your problems right now?

Just go and dance with him, fuck it all til tomorrow

OP, I hope things go well at the agency tomorrow.

Rather than use those rip-off machines, put your food through the self service checkouts - you can put your change in there and it counts it for you .

Oh, and agree with whoever said about asking for a mortgage payment holiday. Your DH may well be optimistic about getting work which means he'd rather not do that, but you can only work with what you have right now, not what you might have in a few weeks. A the minute you are struggling and he needs to be realistic. Ask your mortgage company for a six month payment holiday while you get back on your feet. You can make it up again when you're both earning more.

good luck OP, sending some work and money karma your way

Did you get to the agency today lucy?

I did yes, thanks donkeys - it went well, although i didnt mention the dodgy reference it didn't seem appropriate, will deal with that when it happens. Fingers crossed they will be able to provide me with something

Fingers crossed