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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To chuck DH out for co-sleeping on the sofa?

72 replies

StuntNun · 12/03/2013 00:48

Okay I'm probably not actually going to LTB but I just found DH co-sleeping with our 16-week-old son on the sofa and I'm furious. He pooh-poohed my saying it's a risk for SIDS and reckons he wouldn't have let the baby fall on to the floor.

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 12/03/2013 07:28

Did he co sleep of just fall asleep? I've fallen asleep with dd a couple of times when she was tiny as has DP.

honeytea · 12/03/2013 07:40

I think the problem is that some dads just havn't read the info about the dangers of sofa sleeping. When my DP fell asleep on the sofa with ds he said "but you sleep with ds in the bed when I get up to go to work in the morning" I do sometimes snooze/breastfeed ds when I am alone in bed but I do it carefully with the pillows off the bed and my arm above ds and knees up so I can't roll onto ds.

When my ds and dp were sleeping on the sofa I was asleep in the bedroom and jolted awake paniking, I ran into the living room and dp was under a duvet with ds in his baby sleepingbag, dp's duvet was also on ds right up to his chin :( I somehow knew that ds wasn't ok, dp said that the duvet started off at his waist and must have rode up. I was in another room and still had the connection with my baby to know he was at risk, I am not sure if that is because I breastfeed or because I am a mum or because of a coincidence but dp didn't have the instinct that there was a problem even though he was holding ds.

Weissdorn · 12/03/2013 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 12/03/2013 07:51

Yanbu

He is fucking stupid.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/03/2013 08:02

Oh come on,he's a dad so he must not know its not a safe thing to do?

He should be just as capable of either reading some of the info available as a mum or if he can't read asking.

SIDS info is some of the most advertised stuff in hospital,HV's and midwifes always talk about it and they all highlight the larger risk of sofa s.

Just because he has a cock does not mean he is not also responsible for seeking out important info.

People who collude with the ohhh he's a man he didn't know,do more to set back equal parenting than the blokes they excuse for not doing it.

Weissdorn · 12/03/2013 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainMartinCrieff · 12/03/2013 08:10

Let him read these replies. He fell asleep, thankfully everything is okay, he cannot let it happen again.

INeedThatForkOff · 12/03/2013 08:16

I'm ashamed to say I didn't know sofa co-sleeping increased the risk (though our sofa isn't big enough so we don't do it).

Startail · 12/03/2013 08:21

New babies equal very very tired parents.

I'm sorry for people's losses, but we need a sense of perspective.

Dad shouldn't have slept with DC on the sofa, but 1000's of us have, pre the latest research, by accident, ignorance or out of shear exhaustion.

Explain the research yes, scream hysterically no.

As for co-sleeping in bed, that is just the most beautiful part of parenthood and that tiny odds prevent people co-sleeping and stress parents out if all proportion, makes me angry.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/03/2013 08:27

Planned co sleeping in a safe bed with a bf mother between the other adult and no other children has no higher risk than a baby in a cot.

Original poster
StuntNun · 12/03/2013 08:35

Jayne I don't think I did overreact at the time. I walked into the room to see DH asleep on the sofa with our baby in an awkward position with his head much lower than his feet so I grabbed him up to check he was okay, told DH that it's a SIDS risk to sleep on the sofa with a baby, then put the baby in his cot to sleep. Then I e-mailed a link to a SIDS info leaflet to DH for him to read today. I am shocked at him though because this is our third child and I really think he should have known better. It would be different if he had fallen asleep by accident.

Anyway it was definitely better to post on here than start a row with DH in the wee hours. Thank you for all your responses.

OP posts:
Mother2many · 12/03/2013 15:33

My x MIL feel asleep on the couch with her baby, and ended up smothering him. The child then lived with severe mental retardation. I couldn't imagine having to live with that for the rest of my life...

However, I also co-sleep with all 4 of my children... bed/couch/chair, etc.

Some people are more aware of their surroundings when they are sleeping. Some aren't.

EasilyBored · 12/03/2013 15:43

Off topic, but at what age is it OK to sleep on the sofa with you baby? DS is 14 months and walking, he's poorly today sospent all day asleep on my lap. Is it still really risky if I doze off too? We have a big sofa and he's on my chest (crushing me!)?

Anyway, I think the OP is right to be angry, especially if he's ignoring the SIDS advice. The midwife put the fear of God into us about Co-sleeping on the sofa, but was quite positive about Co-sleeping safely in a bed.

cantspel · 12/03/2013 15:44

was he actually co sleeping or was he so knackered he feel asleep?

BearFrills · 12/03/2013 17:20

Were you there with him? Like in the same room?

When the DCs were that age DH and I often used to nap on the sofa at the same time as the baby was having a nap but the other of us would stay awake so there was an awake adult in the room keeping an eye out IYSWIM? Never overnight and never when home alone/in the room alone.

They're now 18mo and 3yo. Sometimes when 18mo DD has a sofa nap I cuddle up with her and when DS was 18mo I was pregnant with DD so used to do it with him too. I used to put my toddler on the outside so they wouldn't got stuck between me and the back of the sofa and then sleep with my arm tucked under them in a way that meant I couldn't physically roll over onto them without dislocating my shoulder.

World of difference though between a 16wo and an 18mo so YANBU. Perhaps a quick reminder of the guidance? He'll probably feel awful now he's aware of it.

Original poster
StuntNun · 12/03/2013 18:47

It was intentional on his part, I was already in bed. I'm not sure what prompted me to go and check on him but I'm glad I did.

OP posts:
iliketea · 12/03/2013 19:02

YANBU being annoyed at his reaction of dismissing your concerns, but you need to look at whether he did it on purpose or fell asleep accidentally. Ok, the risk doesn't change, but the thought process behind it changes the appropriate reaction. DH came home from work and found me at least once asleep on the sofa with dd asleep on my chest- it wasn't that I was unaware of the risk, it's that I was so exhausted I fell asleep without even being aware of it - should he have shouted at me / sent me leaflets / threatened to leave because I fell asleep.

Imagine this was a post by a man about his wife - I reckon a lot of the YANBU posts would have been a bit more gentle.

By all means, you need to discuss it (calmly) and come up with strategies for you both to manage your tiredness and how to prevent it the situation happening again, but not over react.

midastouch · 12/03/2013 19:18

YANBU to be annoyed but did he do it on purpose, i have fallen asleep with my DCs on me on the sofa mroe times that id like to admit, completly unintentionally it is very hard to stay awake when you are shattererd.
My DP has bathed DCs only once DS was 3.5 and DD was 8 months and in one of those sittingup bath seat things , when i came upstairs he was out of the bathroom! I went mad!! He hasnt bathed them since!

GreenEggsAndNichts · 12/03/2013 19:36

Co-sleeping properly on a flat bed = fine. Co-sleeping on a sofa where the baby can get wedged between you and the back of the sofa and suffocate = obviously very bad. I would be pissed, as well. Over 50% of deaths classified as cot deaths are from adults smothering babies on sofas in just this situation.

It's not an insignificant risk. YANBU.

FutTheShuckUp · 12/03/2013 19:42

I know of a child (professionally) who died very recently from co-sleeping on the settee. Its not a scare tactic, it happens and its fucking heartbreaking when it does

riskit4abiskit · 12/03/2013 19:59

can I ask a question please?

am currently pregnant with our first, so a little clueless.

a) is it safe to be sat on the couch with baby in a sling, as opposed to walking around?
(if this seems silly I haven't seen a baby in a sling in real life - yes really!)

b) would it be dangerous if you then fell asleep sitting on couch with baby in the sling?

sorry to hijack the thread

honeytea · 12/03/2013 20:07

Riskit I use a sling inside with my DS, I do check on him often and make sure he is not too hot.

I don't think it would be safe to sleep on a sofa (or a anywhere) whilst wearing a sling.

:)

riskit4abiskit · 12/03/2013 20:29

ok, thanks

TSSDNCOP · 12/03/2013 21:46

Do you know, I'm sitting here thinking, and I can say I read and digested every pamphlet and poster on SIDS during my pregnancy.

But I cannot, hand on heart, say I ever gave them to DH to read. I'm not saying fathers can't get this information themselves, but I reckon if I'd asked DH when DS was a baby to tell me how to avoid possible SIDS he wouldn't have known beyond having the baby in our room and sleeping on his back.

Oh and the room temperature recalls sodding Grobag thermometer God

chipmonkey · 13/03/2013 00:42

Startail, new babies DO equal tired parents, exhausted parents, parents who can barely keep their eyes open. And that is exactly when co-sleeping is dangerous. The night before the morning she died in our bed, I had been up twice to express and then feed her. I also fed her one more time without expressing. She was also very cranky and woke up much more often than usual for her feeds and was unsettled.
My exhaustion partly led to her death. I think that had I been more alert, I might have realised that she wasn't breathing as she lay beside me and it certainly was the reason I fell asleep myself.

As for screaming hysterically, well unfortunately losing a child has that effect.Hmm When your child IS the victim of those "tiny odds" the fact that they were tiny odds is no comfort at all as you stand at your baby's grave.

I co-slept with all my boys. Out of exhaustion. They're still here, my daughter isn't. I can't have another baby but if I could, there is no way I would allow myself to fall asleep on a couch, bed or anywhere else with a small baby.