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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a 12 year old to tidy his room

32 replies

prettybird · 11/03/2013 17:32

And to be spitting mad that he a) refuses to do so and b) then complain that I do nothing around the house. Angry

I told him his room was a pigsty - at which point he told me that I was a pig and did nothing around the house anyway.

I told him that "nothing" included doing all the washing, stacking and unstacking the dishwasher, nagging him to empty the recycling bin , all the evening meals (from scratch Grin), changing the bedlinen, 95% of the ironing (his dad occasionally has to iron his school trousers and jumper as they're not dry by Sunday night 'cos I've had to nag him to get the dirty washing into the washbasket ), act as a taxi driver for him to get to cycling and rugby training.... This at the same time as looking for a job (we've been living comfortably off redundancy money for a while) and helping dh as he also looks for work/tries to set up a business.

I told him that if his attitude was that he didn't need to do anything and that if he though I did "nothing", I would go "on strike" as far as doing things for him was concerned. He claimed he didn't need me to cook for him as he can cook now (after his Home Ec classes).

I then told him to get out before I said something I really regretted - and that if he was so good at cooking, I would leave out the chicken noodle soup that had been in the fridge and he could heat it up himself.

How can I get him to understand that with rights come responsibilities (he keeps on threatening to call Child Line)? He is an intelligent boy who is in his 1st year of secondary and to everyone else is a charming boy I know that's a common "complaint" with teenagers/proto-teenagers Hmm

The argument started with me trying to warn him that his dad was at the point of going to his room and scooping everything into black bags and that unless he did something about it, it was going to happen. He was warned in January that if it wasn't tidied properly by the end of March that dh was going to do this. I told him I was fed up of trying to help him by doing some tidying for him - but of going back into his room a couple of days it is worse than ever: clothes all over the floor, books, pens and toys all over the floor and surfaces, all the drawers wide open.

Help!

OP posts:
shewhowines · 11/03/2013 17:37

Tell him that you are happy to tidy up after him but that your "services" will be charged for out of his pocket money. You are not asking him to do extra chores just tidying up after himself therefore, it will cost him to employ someone else to do it for him. Works a treat. It doesn't take long for the message to get across after getting no/reduced pocket money for a while.

bigTillyMint · 11/03/2013 17:38

YANBU, of course!

I am lucky that my almost 12yo DS is reasonably clean and tidy, but his 13yo sister has her room in a pigsty most of the time - sounds just like your DS's (mainly because she is a hoarder like her grandma...). The only way we keep reasonably on top of it is by insisting that she picks up everything from the floor for the cleaner once a week. This results in tottering piles...

Perhaps your DH should go ahead with his threat? And/or have a family meeting about everybodys roles and responsibilities and tie down exactly what you expect him to do.

HollyBerryBush · 11/03/2013 17:39

He was warned in January that if it wasn't tidied properly by the end of March that dh was going to do this.

You gave him 2 months to tidy his room - he still has 3 weeks of that left - the time frame was too long and you are moving the goal posts. You can't do that..

I'm afraid I used to go into their rooms and bin bag everything - tough if prized possessioned got junked. Yu can't make idle threats and not carry them through.

remove phoned, TV, internet, games consoles etc until it is done. That usually works. Or remove the fuse with the power to upstairs.

What support do you get from DH regarding this? I had one with that level of back chat, amazing how it all stops when they realise they are of an age to be slung out

Cassarick · 11/03/2013 17:41

Let his father carry out the threat. Do you cook his dinner, do not take him to activities in the car.

You said it all in the last paragraph - first year at secondary and he's flexing his (non-existant) muscles !!

YouTheCat · 11/03/2013 17:44

Take it all out. All the games things, tv etc. Bed, desk and somewhere to keep clothes in there only. Then make him earn things back over a month. Anything not earned back will be ebayed.

I'd be grounding him for his attitude and not giving lifts to anywhere until he has apologised for treating you like dirt.

Sianilaa · 11/03/2013 17:45

You've given him two months to tidy his room?!

I think you've been a bit soft on him and no, YANBU to expect him to tidy it. It gets tidied/inspected once a week - or no pocket money, no lifts anywhere AND his games consoles get confiscated til it's tidy! Maybe I'm harsh...! I'm sure childline wouldn't be interested in "my mum makes me tidy my room...waaah!" so just laugh that threat off.

My 5 year old is expected to make sure his room is tidy before he goes to bed every day, also he is expected to clear up his stuff in communal areas too. Get tougher OP!

livinginwonderland · 11/03/2013 17:45

you can't give a 12 year old three months to tidy their room, then get angry when, in effect, they still have three weeks to go. give him a week, and say anything that is not tidied away by say, 12pm next sunday, will go into bin bags and to the dump or to charity shops. then, when he inevitably doesn't tidy everything up, bag it up and get rid. once he knows you'll follow through, he'll listen in the future, but an idle threat of "oh, in three months i'll get rid of it" won't work with a 12 year old.

as for the rest of his chores, does he not do anything for himself? by that age, i was doing my own laundry, setting the table, doing dishes and vacuuming, and taking the rubbish out if needed. you need to set him chores and if he doesn't do them, implement consequences, ie. no phone, no x-box, no computer except for supervised school work. he'll listen eventually, it just means you need to follow through with your punishments and not get soft because he sulks.

Original poster
prettybird · 11/03/2013 17:45

He is a hoarder (gets that from me Blush but at least I admit it and work on it and his dad, who doesn't admit his hoarding tendencies although he is more naturally tidy than me ) - still won't let me throw/give away toys from his toddlerhood and has a whole bookcase of baskets of miscellaneous toys (and half of another boocase that does actually have some books on a couple of shelves).im

I've been wanting to get it sorted and "clutter busted" so that we can go to Ikea and buy him some more grown-up furniture (as opposed to the odds'n'sods that he has) which will help him be more organised. He insists he wants it left like a tip just as it is

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/03/2013 17:48

Let him ring Childline. And let them tell him what a spoilt brat he is. The next time he threatens it, offer to ring the number for him.

I agree with removing all privileges as at the moment he has absolutely no incentive to do what you have asked. Forget "If you dont.....then I will......" and go to "Until you.......I will......"

Crinkle77 · 11/03/2013 17:48

I would just let him live in shit. I would also go on strike as suggested and then he will realise just how much you do for him. As for scooping up his stuff in to bin bags if you are going to threaten this then you must go through with it or he will not take you seriously. You don't have to throw it out. Just hide it in the loft or the garage for a bit.

noclue2000 · 11/03/2013 17:49

he is damn rude.
if my child was to tell me that i was a lady pig i would open all kinds of hell on him.
there would be none of the things getting done for him. no cooking, no lifts, no washing.
and my 12 yr old and my 8 yr old are respnsible for their bedrooms, its their mess.

MrsKoala · 11/03/2013 17:49

Can i just ask why you want him to tidy his room? Is it because you need stuff in there or something. I don't have a 12yo so forgive my ignorance, but can't you just leave him to his mess? i remember wondering this when i was the same age. I never got why it bothered my parents considering it was my space and they never had to go in there. Communal areas i understand but not the room thing.

Original poster
prettybird · 11/03/2013 17:50

Living - you're right - but I didn't start out heavy. We've been reminding him on a weekly basis. It was his reaction to my reminder that escalated things. He's be the first to claim that "we hadn't warned him" Hmm

He just insists that he doesn't need to do it. That it doesn't matter that his room is a health hazard (I think I've cleaned three pairs of school socks since August ok, a wee bit of an exaggeration but not much - but probably the three pairs I managed to find when I made a recce into his room )

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/03/2013 17:51

Mrs because sometimes it isnt just clutter. Sometimes its food rubbish, a friend of my mums ended up with rats because of her teen sons rooms. And in this case it clearly isnt so much about the room but about the total lack of respect the boy has for his parents, his home and his possessions.

Faxthatpam · 11/03/2013 17:51

I have two of these at home at the moment. Last summer I followed through with the black bin liners and left them all on the pavement outside the house. I can't tell you how satisfying it was! Grin I felt SO much better.

They were gobsmacked and stood with their mouths open. They then had to go through it outside and bring in only what they were prepared to put away properly. It was a great way to force de cluttering and it meant tidy rooms for a while. That said they are back to their old ways and their rooms are awful again... time for another round I think!

OTTMummA · 11/03/2013 17:52

Yes, stop being his personal taxi, stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry.
I wouldn't be to bothered about mess, so long as it was clean then I'm relaxed about other people's personal space, however saying you are a pig who does nothing is a sign of serious disrespect. He would be getting the bare minimum from me until he apologised and saw the error of what he said to you.
Bare minimum to me means access to food but not cooked for, no taxi rides or bus fair, no games or phone or t.v. He can have a roof over his head and bathing facilities. That will to for a while.

NoMoreMarbles · 11/03/2013 17:54

I expect my 7yo DD to tidy her own room so I would certainly expect a 12yo to do their own!

I do help DD once she has gotten started as it tends to be a big jobGrin but I insist she does it herself so she takes the responsibility of her mess seriously (she wants to help elsewhere so I want her to concentrate her efforts here firstGrin)

I would remove all privileges immediately without further discussion and empty threats. He does not get the right to speak to you like he does. Does your DH speak to you the same way? I'm wondering where this attitude toward you comes from...

OTTMummA · 11/03/2013 17:56

Next time he threatens child line I would dial the phone for him, sit back and laugh inside my head.
It's quite disgusting for him to think that this should warrant phoning CL.
I would probably then sit and talk to him about what really constitutes as a valid reason to use that service.

MrsKoala · 11/03/2013 17:57

Bogey - Yes i agree with the respect thing for his parents and food stuffs, but surely if he has no respect for his possessions then that's his problem. I would say as long as communal areas are cleared and no food stuffs rotting then let him keep his stuff all over the floor of his room. If he says he likes it like that leave him to it. don't buy him any new furniture. personally, i would not pick this as a battle.

Original poster
prettybird · 11/03/2013 18:00

We want him to tidy his room 'cos at the moment it is a) a health hazard (both tripping over things and dirty clothes left lying around and there is no way it can be cleaned and b) we do sometimes have to go into his room - either to find things he insists he can't find or to find the cats, which often sleep on the various items lying on the floor (and he then complains of cat hairs on everything) or to change his bedlinen.

We do also want to rationalise the furniture in his room so he doesn't overflow into other parts of the attic floor. He has three chest of drawers, two book cases (and another one on the landing), a desk (on the landing), no wardrobe (but a hat stand to hang clothes up on), a hamper full of toys, a sofabed as well as a cabin bed. It is not a small room but totally cluttered. Rollers and a track bike on the landing. Another hamper of toys in the spare bedroom.

OP posts:
WeeBoobs · 11/03/2013 18:03

When I was about your DS's age, I was the same. My dad ended up taking my door off its hinges (after various other incentives and threats hadn't worked)!

seeker · 11/03/2013 18:04

Why should he tidy his room if he doesn't want to? It's his room!

You have the right to have the rest of the house the way you want it, and he has to comply with that, but as far as his room goes, just shut the door.

Bobyan · 11/03/2013 18:04

He called you a pig and you're wondering what to do?!?

He'd be coming home to an empty room and the opportunity to earn his stuff back for good behaviour and keeping what's left of his room tidy. If he's like this now what on earth is he going to be like when he's a teenager.

Mrsrobertduvall · 11/03/2013 18:09

I have a 14 year old boy who is not keen on tidying his room
however the day he came home from school to find his wii and all his wii games had gone to the charity shop, was a bit of an eye opener.
That was 2 years ago, and his room is kept in a reasonable state.

MrsKoala · 11/03/2013 18:10

i wouldn't bother with cleaning it, i doubt he'll injure himself tripping, i wouldn't care about things he couldn't find if they are his things or things he needs (he needs to accept the consequences of his untidiness), i'm sure the cats will be fine if you leave the door open for them to leave if they are in there.

i'd let him learn what it's like to live in filth and stop mentioning it completely. but that's just me. as i said i was the same as him and didn't get my parents obsession with my room.