Need a bit of advice/hand holding about helping DD make friends

[sinkthepink]

Have name-changed, I'm on here a bit but I'm worried about being flamed for sounding precious or daft. Its not a particularly big deal, just want a bit of sensible advice really. DD is 2 and while generally a happy enough little soul, is not particularly outgoing and is prone to shyness. She's also an only child and will almost certainly remain one. We moved about seven months ago out of an area I'd lived in for ages and had several friends with similar aged kids. We moved to a nicer area, bigger flat etc and I don't regret it but I feel quite isolated without any proper friends here and I worry that DD doesn't (yet) have any friends round here either. We've kept her in the childminders we used in our previous flat as she is settled and happy there despite a fairly nightmarish commute and she rubs along well enough with the other kids there. As far as I can tell there's another child there who comes closest to the definition of a friend -- they seem to play a lot together (I realize that the definition of "friend" is quite loose at two but they obviously are comfortable with one another.) But other than that she doesn't seem to have any friends as such. I look with some envy on the friends I have who are still where we used to live who are always in and out of one another's houses and for whom this seems to happen really naturally. I don't have family nearby and most of my friends are far enough away that we have to plan seeing one another so I miss that spontaneous hanging out thing. I also worry about isolating my daughter, not so much now as I know she's still young, but when she's a bit older.
Two questions mainly: 1) is it normal for a child of two not to have any real friends and is it worrying if she doesn't usually spend time with other kids at weekends? I sometimes hook up with other friends who have children but don't know enough people in the area yet for this to be a routine thing and for her to be comfortable with their kids in her own right. Should I be really pushing this and worrying about it or will it happen later at the school time?
2) What's the etiquette about friendships struck up at childcare for this age? I'd like to invite this "friend" round one weekend but I don't particularly know the parents and I'm worried that singling this one child out will look weird with the other children and just make me look like a snob/weirdo/someone who doesn't understand etiquette.

Please be frank but gentle with me -- I'm an older mum and don't have many mum friends of my age so this may all sound blindingly obvious to you lot but its worrying me a bit.

It's really hard to read without paragraphs. If you can do this, I will read and try and offer some advice

sorry about that... trouble is I'll probably just irritate people if I post all over again won't I?

She's 2 years old...still a baby.

Do babies/toddlers even have friends?

I don't remember having friends until I started school and I didn't start until I was 5yrs old.

Really don't worry about it. I'm sure she'll be fine.

thanks worra I knew I was probably over-thinking it...

I think 2 year olds are fairly self-contained, tbh. In any case, I think that at 2, such friends a toddler has are inevitably selected for them by their parents which is a very different thing from the friendships older children make. I wouldn't worry right now.

My DD is nearly two and in a nursery's toddler group. They tell me she is best friends with X and Y. As far as I can tell at pick up, all the toddlers play along side each other in the garden. None of them are playing together. They are like individuals co-existing in the large garden. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Hi Sink, I've got two DCs, and neither of them had 'proper' friends at 2 - I think it's completely normal. DS is only 3, and just starting to talk about the other children he plays with at nursery, and DD was the same.

Will your DD be going to pre-school at all? I found that when mine started nursery they were gradually invited to birthday parties (parents tend to do the massive 'whole class' parties at that age!), which meant that I also got to meet other Mums & Dads and, in time, arrange playdates and get-togethers. I don't think you should be afraid to invite your DD's friend over - you definitely won't be though of as a 'weirdo', and probably quite a few of the other parents who use your childminder are feeling the same way as you do.

Two year olds don't have friends do they (confused) they are babies. Still at the stage of playing alongside each other. My two started to show preferences towards certain children from about 3.5 ish. Honestly I wouldn't give it second thought. Also I would think they are far too young to have children to play without the parents I dont really do that with my 4 year old.

I agree with worra

2 year olds have 'friends' if their mums get together but even then they are only playing alongside each other really - parallel play.

At 3 she will start play school and then nursery and school and learn to socialise and make friends :)

YY to not having a 2 year-old to play without a parent being there - sorry, assumed you'd be inviting the Mum or Dad as well

I knew it was going to sound silly :)
I know that 2 year-olds don't really have proper friends, I guess what I'm wondering is whether I should be trying to socially engineer it now ahead of time in order for her not to be isolated but from what you all are saying it sounds like I'm over-thinking it.
thanks all

Kids change friends every 5 mins anyway OP - ds hasn't go the same set of friends he had at primary school.

Don't worry. In my experience at that age, socials are nice but the friendships don't really stick until nursery/Reception.
Relax. As long as she's mixing with other kids, like while at the Childminder, she's learning how to interact etc.

At 2, my kids used to mainly cry in the company of other 2 year olds - they either had toys that were wanted or wouldn't shere the toys that the other child wanted!
Friends come a year or so later.
The socials are more for the parents.

OP what about addressing the logistics of it all a little bit? First off, I think you should all get established in your new area, and for me, that would include finding a good creche around you and moving the little one there.

Also, I don't know if you're working at the moment but what about going to parent and tots groups in your area, soft play etc?

Your age shouldn't be an issue really. Mums are mums! But also, what about friends that you had before your child was born?

Tbh I wouldn't bother doing a playdate for her at this age. 2 year olds just play alongside other children and even if you brought her to a play park, you'd satisfy that requirement.
Friendships will come when she's older...

FWIW, 2 year olds don't really play with each other, but along each other.
Not sure they make friends, as such.

If it helps, my DS has always been very shy, including with other children, but even he has managed to make friends at school. Even when we moved countries.
It just takes a bit longer to make stable friends, and he is still a bit quiet, but he's getting better. :)

You could try joining activities for children, like play groups, or swimming lessons, take her to the park, where she can get used to other children.
I have also, for example, tried to include other children in our park activities when they show an interest, so that DS learned welcoming behaviour to other children.

Your little girl is doing just fine. At two she's only just learning to interact with others. If she's playing alongside others and engaging in the same activities as others, that's exactly what she should be doing. She's in her own little bubble as any two year old is and learning to do things for herself. Playing with others will come later as she masters skills and her imagination starts to develop more. For now just being around other children as she is at the child minder is great for her social development.
There is nothing wrong with being shy. In fact in my experience children who are labelled as shy or quite can be much more popular and have more friends at a younger age than children who are loud and boisterous. They maybe seen and heard more by adults but if you ask the children they are around you will normally find in reality that they are some of the most popular in their peer group.
I've worked with under 5s for 10 years and really wouldn't expect child to form any sort of meaningful friendships until the top end of the age range. Even after that friends will still come and go with surprising ease.
Right now your daughter has everything she needs, a mother who cares about her and wants to do her best for her and is happy and settled with the care you've chosen for her. Everything else will come with time, maybe when she starts school maybe sooner.
All you can do at this stage is give her time to be around other children, that already happens at the child minders, and play with her yourself. Playing with you will help her develop the social skills she later use with her peers. Play with her toys with her pretending your another child and engage her in activities where she needs to take turns with you. With the 2-3s I've worked with it's always been a case of adults playing with the children to teach them these skills doing activities they enjoy.
But it sounds like mummy needs some more interaction with other parents. I know exactly how you feel. Moving to an new area even for the best of reasons is a big change and takes a long time to get used to. Six years after moving from a small village to the near by big town I still don't have friendships as close as those before. Having a child makes it even harder, particually when your friends have children to and as you say can be in and out of each others homes.
Maybe you could talk to your health visitor, see if they could recommend a friend local toddler group for you to be able to meet some other mums. And if you want to have further reassurance about your daughter talk to your child minder. She should be able to show you relevant foundation stage goals that your daughter has mastered or is working towards, she may even keep a record of your daughters progress such as a learning journey or an all about me book. At the very least she should have some observations to show you some of which should be focused on her social skills.
Enjoy this time with you little girl and try not to stress to much, I'm sure she's perfect just the way she is.

I'm sorry I didn't come back to you (rl!)
You have had some good advice. I have a dd who is 2 & she is friends with everyone to listen to her, what she means is that she sees them, she recognises them, they go o the same places.
Take her along to groups and see if you can meet some other parents.
Incidentally, I have 2 friends who I met through going to toddler groups and preschool. Our children played alongside (sometimes) but they only just remember each other! I remain friends with the parents.

Please don't worry your lo is just a baby.. Once she starts school she will have lots of friends.

as others said she is only 2, and they dont really have friends at that age anyway. I am sure moving , friends etc harder for you than her!