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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not try harder to cope on my own?

74 replies

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 11/03/2013 13:13

I have DS (2.1) and DD (5 wks). Last time I has very severe PND but, touch wood, this time I feel remarkably well. Anyway, my DM lives 3 miles from me and has pretty much been round everyday that DH has been at work. Obviously she is concerned for my mental health.
DD is v unsettled and won't really sleep/be quiet unless held (not even v content in sling), so my mum has pretty much just held her while I do basic things. Anyway, DH commented at weekend that I'm becoming 'dependent' on her and should be 'coping' more on my own. I don't think he was deliberately being an arsehole but it's got me thinking! I am just doing what I can to survive just now but wondering if I ought to be trying harder on my own?
I had sort of set myself the time frame of 12 weeks before I try and establish any sort of routine. I'm ebf fwiw.

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 11/03/2013 13:23

Bloody hell... For the first couple of months after having DS I was doing whatever it took to get me through each day. If I'd had someone that was willing to come over each day to give me some help I'd have grasped that help with both hands.

I think your timeframe of 12 weeks is perfectly sensible. Take it at your own pace. If the help is there you'd be a fool to turn it away.

MisselthwaiteManor · 11/03/2013 13:25

If your mum is happy to do it then why shouldn't she. No shame in needing or wanting a bit of help.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 11/03/2013 13:25

You are coping. You're fine! There is nothing wrong with taking up an offer of help from your mum. I firmly believe that families thrive when everyone pitches in and helps out a bit rather than just one (or both) parent(s) trying to juggle everything by themselves.

My mum moved in with me for a fortnight after ds2 was born and then popped round almost every day for a few weeks after that to lend a hand where needed.

Take it at your own pace. If the help is there you'd be a fool to turn it away. - I agree with this 100%

Bananapickle · 11/03/2013 13:27

I'd take the help if I was in your situation. I would just keep checking with my Mum that she really was happy with helping. There is no shame in having help btw!

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 11/03/2013 13:30

I know for sure that my mum is in her element helping out - she would do even more if I let her.

OP posts:
coppertop · 11/03/2013 13:35

You gave birth 5 weeks ago, you have a history of PND, you're getting EBF established, and you also have a toddler. If those things don't warrant any help, then what does??

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/03/2013 19:25

I think it's great your mum is happy to help and not everyone has that kind of help available so make the most of it. Does your DH feel somehow redundant? This is about you getting back on your feet, not some kind of contest. Take care.

coughingbean · 11/03/2013 19:30

Not much else too add except- listen to all the other posters

ClippedPhoenix · 11/03/2013 19:34

Has your DH offered to step in more then?

You should be coping more alone? really?

Goldrill · 11/03/2013 19:36

I have a 27 month old and a 20 week old. I have so far spent two days on my own with the girls together. I felt I should do more, by my mum basically said: it will be really hard work - why do it if you don't have to? So I haven't!

Do tell your DP to bugger off!

woopsidaisy · 11/03/2013 19:44

DH and I don't live anywhere near our parents. We had no support after DS2. We got a nanny.
If the help is there use it. Your DH is wrong.

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 11/03/2013 19:49

I love mumsnet. Thank you.

OP posts:
INeedThatForkOff · 11/03/2013 19:51

Goldrill, I am fucking Envy

CatchTheFox · 11/03/2013 19:54

goodness me, no. things will get easier with time, but in the meantime there is nothing wrong with doing whatever you need to do to get through each day.

even if you do feel dependant on your mum's help - even if you ARE dependant on her help - that's OK. I don't see why your husband would want you to do this alone when you have a willing helper.

Goldrill · 11/03/2013 22:31

Sorry Ineed! Gift horses and mouthes and all that.

I should possibly clarify - the big one is in nursery two days a week and has always spent two days a week with granny - so while I'm on mat leave I just spend the two days with granny too (which is lovely cos I never get to spend time with my mum). And on a friday it is just me and the girls, but we always make sure we have a friend coming over or are going somewhere with someone. I'm crap at being on mat leave so this is all necessary to stop me losing the plot totally.

Actually: that probably doesn't help does it...

BeaWheesht · 11/03/2013 22:33

Take all the help you can get, especially as your mum is happy to give it.

I live a long way from my family and am so envious of your situation - make the most of it, it's good for you and its good for the kids too IMHO.

rainrainandmorerain · 11/03/2013 23:11

Why on earth would you be better off doing without willingly offered family help?? I think your dp is barking.

Lovely for your kids as well as you that you have a helpful mum close by. I bet that if you had no choice, you'd survive without help - but it would be daft to put yourself in that position for no good reason. And tbh, if you had pnd the first time round, you deserve a more enjoyable time through the baby months this time round.

Morloth · 11/03/2013 23:18

Fuck no, take all the help you can get.

Is your DH offering to step in more to look after his kids?

My mum looked after me when I needed her. Now she is getting on and starting to have age related issues, I get to look after her.

Your DH would prefer you miserable and alone?

BegoniaBampot · 11/03/2013 23:57

OP - how do YOU feel about it? Do you want the help or do you want to be more independent?

VestaCurry · 12/03/2013 00:01

Agree with other posters, sounds like your Mum is being a brilliant help. Do what you feel is right for you. I think your dh is talking rubbish.

Wewereherefirst · 12/03/2013 00:05

Take it and use it while you can, I am envious of your support but pleased that you have it! Tell your DH to sod off.

blackcurrants · 12/03/2013 00:10

Take that help with both hands, I bet your mum is loving it, I know mine would if I lived closer. Our DCs are similar ages, my big one goes too nursery full time and tbh I am not great at mat leave either! Jobhunting atmSmile I love weekends when DJ is home and we are a family of four, but its hard to stop the older one taking the place while I b feed the baby, we have had crap cold weather, etc.

Why cope and be miserable when you are presently happy?! The family dynamic will adjust and you will be less tied to nursing, but at this early stage, gods, enjoy your baby while knowing your mum is enjoying it all too! Smile

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/03/2013 01:21

Many moons ago it used to be normal for entire families all living together or very near by all being very hands on with help when babies come along.

Whilst I personally would hate it I was in that situation,if your mum enjoys helping you are willing to accept the help and it is not encroaching on private time with dh on a regular basis then, use the help whilst its there just remember it won't always be.

I'm fairly keen on the idea that lack of good family support as families no longer live together contributes lots towards increased rates of pnd or just stress ( note I said good family support not toxic family support).

But I don't think your dh was being a bastard I think he probably just does not understand

aldiwhore · 12/03/2013 01:32

I don't think YABU to be taking all the help you can get.

I don't think your DH was BU either, perhaps his angle stems from fear? Fear that if you don't 'learn to cope alone' you'll get poorly again?

I think you need to have a heart to heart, although you ARE depending on your mum, it's for support RIGHT NOW, in a situation you've never been in before (2 small children) with a history of PND, and you're trying to make life a little easier on yourself so that you CAN cope better in the long term.

Your mum sounds fab. Is she around a lot when your Dh is home? Maybe that is his real issue if so?

SomethingOnce · 12/03/2013 01:38

Would your DH rather you 'tested' yourself, with the risk of PND?!

In other cultures it's normal for mothers with new babies to get lots of help from relatives; having lost that in our culture is probably why so many women are hit hard by PND.

As you say, he probably didn't mean to be unkind. Maybe, in a muddle-headed sort of way, he thought he was being helpful Confused

Anyway, ignore and carry on as you were (and show him this thread if he mentions it again) - you sound like you're doing brilliantly.