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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell this woman to back off

15 replies

Monstermama · 11/03/2013 05:01

I had a baby 6 days ago via a very traumatic ventouse/forcepts delivery. Thankfully baby is perfect and healthy. Been home from hospital for 2 days and dh and I are trying to find our feet being parents to a newborn and 4 year old. All of my wonderful friends have passed their congratulations and said they will visit when I am ready and passed many offferings of help etc.

All but one. She is a member of my 4 yr olds coffee group so not even a close friend. She has been badgering me about coming over for a cuddle. Problem is whenever she does come over she plonks herself on the sofa for hours demanding cups of tea while she watches her 3 children run riot tearing my house apart. When it does come time to finally leave she picks up her kids and leaves without an offer to pick up any toys.

I have politely told her I will not be hosting a coffee group until after dh has gone back to work in a few weeks (fair enough what am i going to kick him out for a morning?). this will also give me a chance to get the breastfeeding right (as failed miserably last time) and allow my extremely painful foof/arse/nips to get better!

Now shes gone and dropped a gift off in our letterbox (cue guilt for not letting her come) and posted on fb about how lonely she is (cue more guilt).

I certainly dont want to ignore a cry for help but at the same time AIBU to be a bit annoyed that I am having to deal with this while I should be enjoying my new family? How do I get her to back off? Or am I being a bitch??

OP posts:
lilypaige · 11/03/2013 05:08

Just thank her for the gift, and say you will be in touch to arrange a visit when you are ready.

I remember my friend bringing her cousin to my house a few days after I had an emergency c section, uninvited. Her toddler then preceded to tear the house apart and I honestly felt like I could cry. A mix of hormones and painkillers!

Just enjoy this next week or so with your family, and dont feel guilty.

SquinkiesRule · 11/03/2013 05:14

Don't feel guilty you are not responsible for entertaining her and stopping her boredom. Say thanks for the gift and don't let her in again until you are up for it. Then think twice, do you really want to clean up after her kids?

PurplePidjin · 11/03/2013 05:20

She's lonely because of her own behaviour. Don't let it bother you!

Congratulations Thanks

wafflingworrier · 11/03/2013 05:20

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. her feelings of loneliness are not your fault and you have to put yourself first. you have a newborn!!! seriously, you are not being selfish, you are putting the needs of your child first. you will have loads of time to get the friendship back on track in a few months time, just thank her for the gift and leave it at that-and well done for telling her to back off. if she still doesn't get the hint try asking a mutual friend to tell her on your behalf as well.

Wishfulmakeupping · 11/03/2013 05:30

Please don't feel bad- you will see her when you feel able and you know yourself that you need more time. Please stick to what you've said see her in a few weeks. Be kind to yourself my dd is 6 weeks and I wish I had have felt strong enough to say no as I felt overwhelmed by visitors

YouTheCat · 11/03/2013 09:29

Why would you want her in your home? She clearly has no respect for boundaries.

Could you meet her on neutral ground in a few weeks so you don't end up picking up after her offspring?

WorraLiberty · 11/03/2013 09:33

Congratulations Thanks

But what are you 'dealing' with really?

You've told her (quite rightly) that you're not up to a visit so she dropped the gift off.

Stay off of her FB page. Her loneliness is not your responsibility.

ENormaSnob · 11/03/2013 09:35

Yanbu

I wouldn't want her round new baby or not.

Floggingmolly · 11/03/2013 09:36

Stay off Facebook and ignore her. I'd be weirded out by public declarations of loneliness from someone I barely knew, when I was temporarily too busy to see them Hmm.

Sounds like it could escalate to stalking if not nipped in the bud. Doesn't she have any other friends?

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 11/03/2013 09:36

Just says thank you. Focus on you and your baby

DoJo · 11/03/2013 09:54

Her saying she's lonely is probably not directed at you specifically - if you are her only friend then that's a bigger problem than you not wanting her round whilst you're trying to get to grips with your new baby. Ignore.

GroupieGirl · 11/03/2013 10:30

What everyone else said. And also, don't be so hard on yourself about breastfeeding. You didn't "fail" - it's often tricky for a number of reasons, none of which are your fault.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/03/2013 11:14

Her behaviour sounds like a bit of a clue as to why she's lonely ...

Congratulations on your newborn Flowers.

RooneyMara · 11/03/2013 11:18

even when I used to use fb years ago I'd never have posted that I was lonely.

None of my friends would have either.

It's odd, Id unfriend her or just ignore - passive aggression isn't good. see her only on neutral ground, don't get involved on a one to one basis.

HecateWhoopass · 11/03/2013 11:22

She can't make you feel anything. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. you will feel so much better about it all if you recognise that she has only the power that you give to her!

and, if and when you allow her in your home - take control.

Tell her to control her kids.

Tell her to put the kettle on.

Tell her that it's time to leave.

Or don't meet at your home - go to a coffee shop. That way you can leave her there if you want to.

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