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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he could've at least encouraged DD to say happy mother's day?

40 replies

alisunshine29 · 10/03/2013 23:07

Ex and I are fairly amicable. For father's day, I got DD to make him a card, we made him a cake, got him a personal present and he had extra time with DD. Today was his contact day and that's fine but when he returned her he didn't even remind her (she's 5) to say happy mother's day or anything. I don't expect a card and gift but do think even separated parents should encourage their child to appreciate their parents. However, he did get DD to make a card, buy chocolates and flowers and take out for lunch his girlfriend who she's seen probably 20 times if that :-( AIBU to hope for a little consideration?

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 11/03/2013 11:16

God that's awful. You do need to have a word with him about this (try to stay civil!) He has lost the plot completely.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 11/03/2013 11:40

I think it's probably in 'retaliation' to be honest. I have been with DD's stepdad since she was 2 years old and for father's day she also made him a fathers day card as well as her father. I know it may seem I'm being hypocritical, but he has been in DD's life everyday for 3.5 years, taken her to school, cared for her when she's ill, put her to bed etc. That's a whole lot different to a girlfriend of a year who's input to DD's life is to paint her nails and do her make-up in an attempt to antagonise me.

OP posts:

DukeSilver · 11/03/2013 11:44

If my ex made my dd make his girlfriend a monthers day card and took her out for a mothers day lunch I would hit the roof. That is incredibly insensitive and stupid of him.

I also think if I was the girlfriend in that situation I would feel very uncomfortable and want to run a mile.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 11/03/2013 11:46

I want to say something as DD is upset about it but know I'll be told 'well she made a card for your DP so why not mine?' but like I said above, I do feel it's very different. Am I being a hypocrite or should I say something?

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 11/03/2013 12:16

Does she call your dp dad? Did the card say stepdad?

And it is different because you got her to also do one for her actual dad,

I wouldn't ever have my children give a none parent a Father's Day card if they had a live parent I feel quite strongly about it,but if the children asked I would help them to make a stepdad/step mum one.

It would not be acceptable to do a dad/ mum one at the sae time as excluding the actual parent.

SashaSashays · 11/03/2013 12:17

I think you're right that its different but if I was your ex maybe I would think my gf deserved the same treatment, I don't know.

I think you should point out that you were unhappy he prioritised making her a card not you or both of you. I also think you should tell him you want to discuss the relationship between your DD and his gf, if he equating the relationship to the one you have with your partner, surely that is a bit of an advancement on her just being his gf and you might have some questions or queries regarding that (just going from my own experience with that one).

I don't know what your access arrangement is but perhaps in the future it would be good to arrange that fathers day is spent with dad, mothers day is spent with mum. Unless you enjoying the break is the true mothers day gift. It may reduce some of the angst and insensitivity.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 11/03/2013 12:22

Maybe he assumed your dp would sort mothers day out?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/03/2013 12:31

That sheds light on it but still think it was out of order. Am sure your DP would encourage DD to do something but that misses the point - an ongoing presence is one thing but in your DD's eyes you didn't jettison your ex's role and ignore him on Father's Day.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 11/03/2013 14:15

She did ask to make DP one. She just drew a picture of us all and wrote love you in it. I didn't think to change contact so I'd have her on mother's day as she's back at 3pm anyway so still plenty of time. Will have to in future though if it means DD gets upset as he also told her he'd asked if I wanted to keep her for mother's day but I'd said no - inferring I only wanted to spend it with youngest DD.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/03/2013 14:17

he also told her he'd asked if I wanted to keep her for mother's day but I'd said no

He sounds lovely no wonder he's your ex.

manticlimactic · 11/03/2013 14:19

If your DP has been in her life since she was young maybe your ex thought he would have sorted something. Did he not?

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 11/03/2013 14:41

Maybe he did.DP bought a card and wrote in it. Am Hoping DD feels better about it after school.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 11/03/2013 18:34

As much as I think your ex is a prize prick and his behaviour is not ok regarding the gf.

I don't get why your upset about his none action towards you because your dd did get you a card your DP helped her do one.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 12/03/2013 11:52

I didn't expect anything from him, except maybe to remind DD what day it was and suggest she wish me happy Mother's Day. DP bought a card that he wrote in and gave me before DD got back from her dads so she knew nothing about it and it wasn't from her.

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 12/03/2013 13:15

Oh hang on - did your DP, i.e. your DDs stepdad, not make sure she had sent you a card and present?

Maybe your exP assumed that he would have

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