I am, I am, please come and slap me and tell me how to stop being such a shit friend

[Maebe]

I have a very, very old friend, we're very close. However in the past 18 months I've had a DC and moved away. I know she finds this hard as we used to see each other all the time, go on nights out, stay over each others houses when our DPs were working night shifts etc. Because of DP's shifts it's been really hard for me to get away and see her very often, we don't have other childcare very near. So now we talk a lot more on the phone than we ever did, but even that is tricky as she goes to bed very early because of her work, generally at about the time I'm just done with bedtime and had some dinner.

She's always been someone who's tended towards being negative. When we met in person I didn't really find this an issue, because we'd see each other for a whole night and she'd relax after a while and seem more positive about things, and I felt as though I had more time to talk through her problems if she wanted to (though sometimes I think she preferred just unloading rather than looking for help). However, now we're catching up mostly on the phone it just feels like 45 minutes of solid negativity, how everything in her life is difficult and hard and wrong. I'm not saying it's not, no one can judge that, but it makes conversations very difficult - I start to not want to call her, or feel I have to psyche myself up

I know this is incredibly selfish and makes me a terrible friend. So, please, slap me, berate me, whatever, but tell me how I can manage this? I love my friend but it feels like it is becoming hard work.

I think it's difficult sounds difficult for you with your friend being negative. But you are still being a good friend for listening. I think friendships change once you have DC especially if your friend hasn't got any children. I found I didn't see as much of my best friend once I had DD. my friend is older than me with grown up children. We moved away also earlier this year. We still make an effort to speak to each other once a week, which we both enjoy. But I have got a few other friends that we have just drifted away from since having DD. it's not like you can drop everything anymore and just go out. I'm sorry I haven't got any helpful advice for you but you do sound like a good friend

First, you're not a shit friend. Talking to someone who is constantly in state of depression about their lives and seems to find no joy in anything is really hard work. If you're not getting any relaxed time with her I can see how it'd drain you to the point it isn't something you look forward to.

Unfortunately I don't have much advice, only you know if she's the type that will receive a comment about how much she moans over the phone particularly well.

Has she tried counselling? Maybe suggesting it would be a good idea anyway, but it might be a subtle hint to her to take a look at her negativity.

You sound a great friend especially when having a child must give you less time. It sounds like it would help if she realised she's overdoing the negativity? Can you try saying you want to help her and not let her get bogged down by all this, how can we sort this out (referring to all the stuff she tells you ) and what do you suggest to make it all more positive? Would it be appropriate to say please don't let this get you down and let's think how to sort it? Ie positive steps and showing you're still sharing it.

Oh, I'm glad people don't think I'm being awful, thank you! I feel so terrible about it but sometimes 'negativity' isn't even the word for it, it's just... moaning. She has the same problems that other people do but she acts as though no one else has problems, I suspect partly because other people don't talk about them so much - so her assumption is that they don't have those problems, rather than they are just unwilling to talk about them so much on a night out.

She's had counselling before, which did go well but then she moved away from that area and didn't investigate any more.

Balls, that shouldn't have posted then...

From my limited experience, and knowing her, it is less depression and more just her need for control and order that colours things in her life. She's previously told me she "dislikes" the way I try and point out positives in her life Other people have tried to point out her negativity or have gently said she can be a bit 'much' sometimes (though of course there is no way to say that nicely!) she thinks it means people don't like her, and decides that no one is that interested in her so she shouldn't talk about her life.

It gets so hard when I'm also having a shit time at work - but she feels that her job is "more important" than mine because she is public sector and I am private sector. Or the time that she didn't show any interest when I had to take our 8mo to A&E.

See, now she's making me whine...

I could have written your post Maebe except my friend usually manages to talk for a couple of hours about how she hates her job, hates her house share, her long distance boyfriend (my ex btw) isn't replying to her texts quickly enough!!! She even spent 2 hours talking at me down the phone while I was in hospital being induced with my DD, early stages but still contracting every 20mins or so!

Am really struggling to know how to del with it. Sorry I've got nothing helpful to add but you have my sympathies.

Hmmm, maybe encourage her to try mumsnet?

OK, Rosie, complaining while your friend is in labour wins!

I find it fascinating how some people can be wonderful friends some of the time, and then very hard work at other times. Embarrassingly I think alcohol plays a part in this problem with my friend. Not as in either of us being heavy or regular drinkers, but generally when we met we would have a glass or two of wine, at which point she would relax. Talking on the phone doesn't have the same relaxed, casual feel about it.

It probably makes me a wimp but I am too scared to confront her about this. If her DH doesn't say anything to her, and he lives with this level of stress all the time, then who am I when I don't see her very often?

Pre children, I had several 'friends' like this in my life. Once I had babies, I had less time, less energy and as the years rolled on, less patience with their parasitic ways. When it was good and I was the one doing all the giving and listening it was great. Once the balance shifted and I needed to spend less time going over their old ground, they needed to be moved on.

Give yourself a break. They're the ones being shit friends for not having consideration that your life has changed and they're still on their me me me trajectory. Circumstances change and people move on, emotionally and practically.

YANBU

I too used to have a friend like this.

I was on the phone listening to her go on and on (DH always knew when it was her on the other end as I hardly said a word) Anyway, DS had woken up after his nap and was howling for me to lift him. 3 times I said I had to go and eventually had to hang up on her.

She rang back to tell me I was rude and insensitive!

Life is much less stressful these days (and my phone bill has halved )

Is she depressed? If you are a real friend, help her through things.

If she isn't depressed but just got into the habit of moaning, try and turn things round and be positive.

If you are not really bothered about the friendship, don't bother with it.

You are NOT a shit friend - SHE is! She sounds very self cantered and selfish and by moving away you have had a lucky break. I would distance myself if I were you and concentrate on your family.

Ah, lark, looks like we both have company Though that sounds even worse!

The lack of recognition of other people's problems seems common. I rarely tell my friend anything serious about my life because it doesn't seem worth it. There's also a rather childish, passive-aggressive 'well, I won't tell you anything unless you ask' - which she rarely does.

You're bang on with the "I can't bring myself to hurt her". That's how I feel. I know any comment about my friend's negativity will not be taken well at all, especially when mixed in to the current issues with me moving away.

I do want to keep the friendship as she can be lovely and we have known each other for so long, but it is so tiring sometimes. Maybe she is a bit depressed. I don't know, that's so hard - I'm not a professional, I can't diagnose her, though sometimes I am inclined to think it is less of a temporary problem and more just how she is.

Maybe there isn't an answer. I guess most people find certain personality traits within even their closest friends occasionally difficult or annoying. I'm sure I'm no angel either. Maybe it's just something I need to accept...