To not want my DC's friends visiting on weekend mornings unannounced?

[Dragonwoman]

This morning, like many weekend mornings my doorbell went at 10.30 & next thing I knew I had 2 extra 8 year olds in my house.
I called DD1 upstairs & told her to tell them to leave. She knows I don't like people round when I'm not dressed. She thinks I'm being mean & DH also thinks I'm being a bit odd. In the end DD1 went out to the friends house instead.

Am I really that odd, bearing in mind that -

1. I work all week, so don't get much time in the house during the day.

2. I sleep in the raw, so does DH & we often nip across the landing in the nude to the bathroom. We don't have an ensuite. I don't want to come across other peoples kids when I'm in the nip thank-you!

3. We live on an estate & kids are calling all the time - if I don't put my foot down I will have extra kids all day every day weekends & holidays.

4. One of my DC will invariably wander into my room for something & then leave the door wide open. I don't want randoms on the landing who can see me lying in bed!

5. While other people may be up & dressed earlier than 10.30, in my own house on a day off I don't want to!

If it was a pre-arranged visit for something special of course I would get dressed, but as it is I think I am entitled to some privacy in my own home.

Big 'up yours' to the early risers - love it.

Yes I do wonder if those who like other DCs coming to play have 2 or 1 children. If I let all mine have a couple of friends in all day it would be chaos. Especially as DC1 has friends who quarrel with DC2's friends .
I really don't want to intervene in fights between visiting DCs on a regular basis. It certainly isn't relax with a coffee time when the hoards descend.

The thing is HappyMumOfOne, you like your son to have friends over and having a houseful. I've always got a houseful, so it's necessary sometimes to have no friends over so the house is as calm and quiet as ut possibly can be. Which is not at all with my 4 rampaging round.
You can enjoy the peace sonetimes (I'm assuming you have one child) I never have the peace, that's why I don't "like my DC to have people over" on occasion.

Does that help you understand a bit more, looking at it from another perspective?

I can really emphathise with this issue, my eldest is at secondary school now and my youngest moves up in September. A few years ago though, weekends/school holidays would be like this -

The kids in our road banging on the door constantly asking our kids to play out, which would last 20 mins at most before they were asking to come in. Then I'd find every room was taken up, screaming, shouting, hurtling down the stairs in cardboard boxes, (the neighbour's kids, not mine!). I did put a stop to that!

They would also be constantly pestering for snacks and wanting to use the computer, then insisting I phoned their parents for their Moshi Monsters etc passwords. After one occasion where my kids were locked out of their computer games through their friends repeatedly trying to put their own details in I stopped this!

Saying No to them coming in didn't make much difference really, they'd then set themselves up in our front garden with their arts and crafts stuff etc. My direct neighbour's ds who was in his early teens would come out and deliberately wind them up, so the other kids would come crying to me and I'd then have THAT issue to sort out

Once I was just getting in shower when they knocked, I heard dd answer the door and say they weren't allowed in, but when I came downstairs dressed they were standing in our porch way, watching TV through the crack in living room door! The boy said he didn't think I'd mind as they weren't actually in any rooms! I couldn't believe the cheek of it!

It's all a lot calmer now thankfully, but what got me was that you hardly ever saw another parent supervising, they just kept sending them over to us. I was often exhausted by the other kids, and resentful of the time I could have spent with just my own kids after a busy week at work, taken away. So I can really sympathise!

I personally think you are being mean; this opinion is based a bit on having a mother who was like this at times.

There were times when I wasn't allowed to go out/ have people over because 1) friends had shown up on the off-chance (and despite the fact we were often home, doing nothing but watching TV, my mother would get upset because she thought it was rude) 2) It wasn't a "decent hour" (even when I was older) 3) My mother was tired and didn't want to have to worry about me (she didn't quite say this but I knew this was exactly the reason).

It was very frustrating to have my social life curtailed because my mother was in a "I don't want to be bothered with this" mood. I have never forgotten this frustration.

Even though as an adult I've turned into a fairly unsocial person, it has made me feel very strongly about wanting to have an open, welcoming house to friends and family when I settle down and get married and have kids.

I don't know if you are quite like my mother OP (you did at least let your daughter go out) but I think it is unfair to say children can't play because you don't want to get out of bed. Stay in bed by all means but let your kids play. Keep a robe in your bedroom so you don't need to run around the house naked :)

when we were kids you very rarely played in friends houses, we all played out. OP just wants a few hours on the morning with no neighbouhood kids running about. i'm relaxed about kids at my house but not so keen at thay time when you want to chill out.

OP, I do understand what you mean, I like to feel ready to receive guests, albeit if that means just putting on some clothes and brushing my hair. I think, however, that your child needs to learn your boundaries. No one is let in unless first pre-arranged with yourself. You are not weird, I don't like people in my house until I am up and dressed, whatever time I choose that to be. I think you are going to have to instil some strict rules and consequences if this doesn't happen. Don't leave it to someone else's 8 year old to understand the sociable acceptability of turning up that early, I think you just need to teach your 8 year old. Your house, your rules.

The day I counted 17 children in my garden was the day I put the brakes on it.

Even if you have an understanding that certain days will be ok, it's the constant banging on the door every 5 minutes wanting to know who's doing what, where and when that winds me up.

And as for the long summer holiday.. 6 weeks is an awful lot of banging on the door.

Exactly TomArchers, it was bliss when we moved outside of town to basically a house in a field - no more knocking, not even Jehovah's witnesess knock now...

All you out of toners, you wait til you're a never ending taxi service- then you'll miss the "knocking" days!

Seriously- don't your children have any say in this? Do you just over rule them?

the thing is. you are sharing your home now with people who will increasingly have diffrent agendas to you. 10.30 IS a late lie in. make some rules. noone upstairs etc. but you have to give a bit too. would it kill you to slip on a pair of pjs when you get up for that first thing wee? then you can stomp downstairs and give them hell/send them home when they break your rules. but i do think 8 year olds need parental supervision if they have been up for hours. and i speak as one who loves her lie ins. ds is trained now. if mates come round they get the rules.

Why do you need the street kids playing in your house at 10.30 am? And yes you over rule your kids, doesn't everyone? Hardly being a dictator to ask them to wait an hour or so.

Seeker, I can assure you we will never miss the cold calling of kids (and adults), to our door at times when we didn't want visitors - our home, our family space, not a playground for the kids of other parents who are probably delighted to get them out of their own house so THEY can have some quiet time ??

Three of our dc are teens now and they would still check (not ask for permission, but check, invade we had other plans), if it is ok for x or y to come over for dinner or use the spare room... Of course it is their home to but checking is just showing respect.

When they were younger, absolutely they had to ask permission to do things- they are children, we are adults, of course they had a say in things but ultimately, what the adult say, goes! It is a parents job to define boundaries and give kids a framework of rules.

A family is not, and should not be a democracy - children lack the mental capacity and maturity (though obviously as parents we work towards our kids achieving that maturity and capacity).

A family is a "benign dictatorship"!

*incase not invade!

This is obviously a subject where there are 2 opposing points of view! 'I love a houseful' people versus 'privacy' people. .

I find restricting to downstairs doesn't work - they continually find excuses to come up 'I just need to get this & x needs to come & help me carry that downstairs' Also my little one will rush downstairs to 'play' with the big kids where previously he's been happy playing in my room. If I prevent him he will wail miserably. So I have to get up, get dressed & supervise - bang goes my lazy sunday!

BTW I don't really want to be seen in PJs either by all the locals. If there are people in my house who are not immediate family I want to be showered, hair brushed & dressed!

if you work hard all week, maybe your weekend could be spent enjoying
quality time with your kids rather than reading in bed until 10.30 and
leaving them to it? Especially the toddler, sounds as though he gets
bored.

I just wonder where the children's needs fit in here.

my mum was like this too and at the risk of sounding like a brat, it fucking sucked.

I think cosy time with toddler in the morning is 'quality time'. My DCs don't rise until after 9 on a sunday either, so not left alone for hours. We are not a house of natural early risers.

My DCs have friends round or visit friends on weekend afternoons 'til about 7pm and after school. Most days in the holidays they play out for at least part of the day or have people in. On Saturday mornings they have sports activities.

I am not a machine, or a servant. I need a little 'down time'. I don't get much time in the evening - my older DCs don't go to bed early any more & there are chores to do.

Children's needs are well catered for. However, not all children's 'wants' can be accommodated.

However i've never understood why some people dont like their DC to have people over. DS often invites friends over and i love having a housefull.

But these things don't have to be all or nothing, do they? Not wanting a house full of other people's dcs earlier than is convenient on a Sunday morning is hardly the same thing as denying your children the chance to have any social life whatsoever.

I always had lots of children round when the dcs were young. But I had them round at a time that suited me. Neither of my dcs grew up to be friendless, anti-social adults because I refused to have hordes of children rampaging through the entire house from silly o'clock onwards at the weekend.

I also wonder how willing the parents of these visiting children would be to accommodate the OP's children on Sunday mornings.

Good point Dragon, about needs and wants being two different things!

Sometimes meeting a child's needs, means setting boundaries to curtail their wants!

However, not all children's 'wants' can be accommodated.

Indeed not. And it wouldn't be in the best interests of children if they always could.

Quite Pandemoniaa. On this occasion my child did go to visitors house. They returned to mine later on.

10.30 is not the earliest we get callers either - just on this occasion.

I don't let my DCs knock for other people on Sunday mornings or from 5ish in the evening as thats meal times. It is really irritating to get up from your dinner multiple times to random callers, which is another thing that happens.

If they see other children playing out at these times they can go out to play with them, but not to knock at doors.

YANBU
This would drive me insane.

As for other posters calling you lazy, these kind of judgemental comments drive me up the wall! You have NO idea how busy this woman is during the week. You have NO idea if she needs to catch up on sleep and anyway if she wants to have a lie-in she can!

well then if your kids are content enough there's no problem but thingie, that's true and generally when people respond to posters on aibu, they go on the information they get, you're sort of inviting people to judge you/your decisions and choices when you post here... why do some people not get this?

Blimey, no-one's allowed to disturb me before 11am on a Saturday or a Sunday.