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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to be a little miffed at not being a bridesmaid?

23 replies

FadBook · 09/03/2013 20:44

Close friend got engaged 2ish years ago, I was asked to be bridesmaid, said yes, really excited. A few emails were exchanged re: dresses/websites and styles. Date was set for this year.

Several months later (still around 2011) me and 2 other bridesmaids received a text that bride was really sorry but when her and her DP had sat down and number crunched, they couldn't afford so many bridesmaids so she was only going with her sister.

Whilst I was gutted, I could understand her reasoning. Although I was skeptical of the reason because I wondered if she was telling the truth (type of friend to not worry about money or have anyone think that she hasn't got it).

Fast forward and the wedding is imminent. I've since had a child and we have lost touch in the last 2 years. She visited when baby was born and I went to a BBQ last summer (we live about 40 mile away) and share the odd email / text or Facebook chat. I would say that life in general has got in the way, no one in particular to blame. I'm doing a reading at the wedding which she emailed me about earlier this year so all fine with our friendship.

I have just read on Facebook today that "3 out of 4 bridesmaid dresses are sorted" Hmm

I'm a little bit miffed (I think is the right word.) I know we've lost touch a bit but I'd rather her tell me the truth and me not have to find out on Facebook that I've so easily been replaced. And why lie about money if that wasn't really the reason?

I need some impartial thoughts on this - AIBU to be feeling this way? Should I just swallow my pride and accept that we've lost touch and she's allowed to choose what she wants on her day?

OP posts:
KikkiK · 09/03/2013 20:50

YANBU. Whatever her reasons, it's bad that she dumped you as a bridesmaid by text, she should at least have had the courage to call you.

Could she be having three little bridesmaids as well as her sister? I think little ones are different, but if there are three more adult bridesmaids then you are definitely NBU to be pissed off!

Ah well, you'll have a better time at the wedding as a guest than as a bridesmaid anyway!

TheSecondComing · 09/03/2013 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 09/03/2013 20:53

I think it's lame she made up a reason but yes wait and see if the other bms are children. I would not consider this to be snub in that case.

INeverSaidThat · 09/03/2013 20:53

I can see that you would be a bit put out by this but I wouldn't give it too much thought. She was thoughtless and tactless. It seems odd asking you to do a reading as that is something that is usually done by very close friends.
You could ask her about it if you wanted.

pictish · 09/03/2013 20:54

Is it common practice to ask to be bridesmaid? I thought you were asked.

Anyway...I wouldn't worry about it overly. You said it yourself, you've hardly seen her for two years.
Maybe the other bridesmaids are nieces and sils and the like?

EverythingIsTicketyBoo · 09/03/2013 20:54

Yabvu, money may have been the original reason, they may have had to down grade their plans to start with.

You lost touch, you are no longer close, you have no reason to expect to be a bride's maid. And now they are in a position to pay for the wedding they want (which could be a loan, bank of mum and dad or lottery it's not for you to know) you still not only expect to be part of it but are actually annoyed that you aren't??

Yeah Yabu

pictish · 09/03/2013 20:54

Oh sorry yes - you were asked. I read that the wrong way round...God knows why. Apologies.

ChasedByBees · 09/03/2013 20:56

I think she's being really rude. Can you speak with her about it? It'll only play on your mind otherwise.

erowid · 09/03/2013 20:58

They may have come in to some money in the last few years and now they can afford it.

VBisme · 09/03/2013 21:00

I do think YABU, circumstances change in 2 years, perhaps they can afford more and she's picked people who she's closer to now or little ones.

Go and enjoy the wedding, you've been asked top do a reading so she clearly values your friendship.

Snoopingforsoup · 09/03/2013 21:03

You are still doing a reading though and are part of her big day. That's still quite inclusive given you've lost touch.
It may turn out that the Bridesmaids are family or such.
It happened to me once but I knew the Bride was flaky so didn't take her at her word thankfully. Try to let the Bridesmaid thing go, but enjoy the day. A reading is still a great honour.

SomethingProfound · 09/03/2013 21:09

YABU, it was two years ago you were asked (and the invite was recoiled).

Maybe two years ago she couldn't afford more bridesmaids, her situation may have change and now she can have more, but by your own admission your friendship has changed, why should she have someone she is no longer close to as a bridesmaid.

Original poster
FadBook · 09/03/2013 21:17

Thanks all, I know I'm being a bit daft about it (and unreasonable!) Suppose I'm hurt that I get to find out on Facebook and not from the horses mouth. But then I justify everything and think that she's far too busy to tell me why she's changed her mind.

Things have changed in our friendship since I had dd and I wonder if asking me to do a reading was her way of still keeping me part of her day, which some of you have implied.

I have a feeling they aren't little ones being bridesmaids (no kids at the wedding as my dd isn't invited). I will enjoy the day as DP and I are going to stop over and make a bit of a child free weekend of it.

OP posts:
VBisme · 09/03/2013 21:29

I think the fact she's asked you to do a reading shows that she thinks a lot of you.

I wouldn't mention it to her before the wedding, she'll be stressed enough, but I'm sure if you speak with her a couple of months after she'll explain.

Enjoy the child free weekend!

longday · 09/03/2013 21:31

I don't think you should be miffed. They have asked you to do a reading which is an important part of the service. I think that this is a compliment. I would be happy that I could wear what I want and enjoy a child free evening with my husband.

Shoppinglist · 09/03/2013 21:34

The three might be children? With the sisters left to sort.

Original poster
FadBook · 09/03/2013 21:36

Your responses have definitely made me realise that doing a reading is quite significant, so I fell less miffed now Blush

And whilst its nice to wear something I choose, I can't bloody find anything!Grin I have a few weeks yet but time is ticking!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/03/2013 21:46

YABU

Carrie37 · 09/03/2013 21:48

It is also possible that the groom wants his sisters to be bridesmsids. Weddings are all about compromise. I had Dh's sister to keep future MIL happy.
Being a bridesmaid is a bit of PITA I would prefer the reading.

Aworryingtrend · 09/03/2013 21:51

Yanbu to be hurt at finding out in such a way. But you should be relieved at not being bridesmaid as in my experience it is a huge pain in the backside. I would much rather attend a wedding as a guest.

Coconutty · 09/03/2013 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PureQuintessence · 09/03/2013 21:53

Personally I think doing a reading is more grown up and responsible in addition to significant at a wedding. Maybe she holds you in high esteem?! You may not be silly frilly giggly bestest friend, but a responsible grown up, a mum in an established relationship and she might have wanted to reflect that you have matured, your friendship has matured, and she asked you to do a much more serious thing? That is how I would see it...

pigletmania · 09/03/2013 21:57

Iam afraid that Yabu, I am surprised that you are invited to the wedding let alone doinga reading seeing as you lost touch over te years. Circumstances change over th years.

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