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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are DH and I being unreasonable? RE: MIL. Long, sorry.

48 replies

slatternlymother · 09/03/2013 11:13

DH grew up in an extremely abusive household. His father beat MIL into hospital on several occasions, and beat DH, once breaking his wrists. MIL seems to think she got the worst of it, but DH used to lie awake until 3am some nights, listening to his parents screaming at each other. He'd find excuses to stay off school to try to 'protect' MIL and watch over her.

I think SS tried to take him at one point, but his parents stopped the arguing for a few days and told DH to say he loved being at home, or he'd never see his Mummy again.

DH told me when he was 16, he lay in bed and prayed to God to let him die.

MIL and DH's father split after DH left home.

DH cannot forgive MIL for not leaving, and allowing him to witness her being beaten (once almost to death), and be beaten mercilessly himself. She says she got the worst of it, and DH needs to 'forget the past'.

He cannot. The nightmares have slowed now, but he still gets them. He gets flashbacks; extremely traumatic ones, from random triggers like sounds and smells, sometimes things he sees on the TV (not always to do with DV; it can be a picture of a place or a wallpaper iykwim). He says he is only just becoming ok with talking about it to me, and is too embarrassed to see a counsellor; which is fine. I won't push him.

Seeing MIL is becoming too traumatic for him. She has a new DH every year or so, and he cannot accept her not accepting responsibility for anything. She has never apologised.

Now he wants to cut contact. She is quite an unstable person, and it is becoming too much for him. I am his wife, and want to back him up.

AIBU?

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 09/03/2013 11:16

YANBU

How horrific for your DH. I think if he wants to cut contact then he absolutely should. It sounds like the best course of action.

Patchouli · 09/03/2013 11:17

let him do whatever he needs to do re contact with his mum.
Hopefully, by talking with you he'll gain the confidence to go for counselling.

HollyBerryBush · 09/03/2013 11:18

He needs to understand why she didnt leave. It's not always that easy.

But it's his right to move on if he so chooses. And yes, you need to support his decision to do so.

AmberLeaf · 09/03/2013 11:18

YANBU.

That all sounds awful for him.

RoseandVioletCreams · 09/03/2013 11:19

Why is all the focus of his hate on the woman who was beaten up?

I dont get it? what was she supposed to sya " sorry DH just before you nealry kill me, please dont do it infront of DS or he will blame ME for life for your violence>?"

I think he needs to understand the physe of an abused woman, how they dont leave how it takes x amount of time too leave...

I can understand he is traumatised etc etc....i just dont get why the abused woman is being focused on so much?

Masterchuff · 09/03/2013 11:19

Similar situation to my DH and I. He has recently cut right back on contact with her. YADNBU

ffswhatnow · 09/03/2013 11:20

YANBU AT ALL - your DH needs to do what is best for him, and if that happens to be cutting his 'd'M out of his life then so be it.

Does he have contact with any other family?

Montybojangles · 09/03/2013 11:21

She may have physically "got the worst of it", but she made a choice to say and get that. Your DH had no choice in the matter, she kept him in a dangerous environment.
YANBU to support him in his decisions in this matter.

lurkedtoolong · 09/03/2013 11:25

I think your husband needs some counselling. Rose makes an excellent point and where I do see the argument why is your DH blaming his mum, that is a question that can only be answered after counselling and help. He clearly went through a lot of trauma as a little boy.

He has to do what is best for him now and if that means cutting off contact with his mum then so be it.

His mum has also been through a lot of hurt and trauma and also needs a great deal of help and support. Unfortunately you can't force her to seek that out and you can't help her until your husband gets the help he needs first.

I hope he finds the support he deserves.

rockinhippy · 09/03/2013 11:29

YANBU & YABU too, I totally agree with Rose it would not have been as easy for his DM as it looks on the surface to a DC, it never is in those situations - there may well be other things at play that make cutting contact less unreasonable of course - is his DM a narcissist for example & takes no responsibility for any harm to DH as a result,

IMHO the very best thing you can do for your DH is not to facilitate him sticking his head further into the sand & blaming his DM for things she quite likely genuinely couldn't help as she was beaten down mentally, depressed & living in fear, but to push him into counselling so that he can REALLY come to terms with it all & start to build himself better foundations for who he is & then look at his DM again from a more rational POV

Good luck

Original poster

slatternlymother · 09/03/2013 11:33

rose you make an excellent point. I don't really have a good enough answer. He feels she should have protected him by leaving, or let him live with his Grandad. She was the adult, and she allowed him to be viciously beaten by his Dad. He was hospitalised several times and still has the scars where he threw boiling water at him as a 'punishment'. He feels his mother condoned his dad's behaviour by not leaving.

OP posts:

Original poster

slatternlymother · 09/03/2013 11:34

And his father, he has not seen in years. He left the family home at 16 and never saw him again by choice.

OP posts:

Inertia · 09/03/2013 11:35

It sounds as though both MIL and DH went through hell. I can completely understand why it was hard for MiL to leave, especially in those days when it wasn't the done thing and there might have been nowhere safe for her to go. However, the fact that she is unable or unwilling to acknowledge the trauma that your DH went through is not going to help him deal with his own issues - it's not a competition , she needs to understand that it was horrific for your DH too. Maybe she is trying to convince herself that it wasn't that bad for him because she can't cope with the fact that she was unable to protect him. However, your DH needs to put his own well-being first now. Perhaps in time he will be able to face counselling.

If he needs to keep his distance , that's up to him. Perhaps he could tell her that he needs some distance from his childhood while he tries to deal with the fallout from it.

It sounds as though the two of you have a supportive, caring relationship. I hope he manages to work through things.

poodletip · 09/03/2013 11:36

YANBU I get the feeling if she would just acknowledge that she kept him in that awful situation (even if she felt powerless to do anything else at the time), and that he had a bad time of it, then he would feel differently towards her.

Original poster

slatternlymother · 09/03/2013 11:37

She doesn't accept that DH was harmed in any way. I don't know if she blocks it out to ease the guilt... I'm not sure.

She does live quite a chaotic lifestyle, and won't speak to DH about any of it.

OP posts:

rockinhippy · 09/03/2013 11:38

BTW I say that as someone who grew up in similar circumstance, I was never beaten by DF myself, but spent my childhood protecting the DB I believed to be ill & in danger from the stress of witnessing the horrendous violent rows - my DP are still together & I can now see that my mother suffers with NPD & my DF attacking her was quite often in self defence - as an adult I can see that now, though I too believed I saw my DF attack DM because that's what I was told time & time again, she even convinced DF he was the abuser & he now pays penance for that by nursing her every whim. My DB was also not il as a DC, I could go on & on

So I'm not say saying your DH isn't right in wanting to cut contact with his DM, but he needs for his own peace if mind to fully understand the dynamics if it all, or it will haunt him forever, counselling really is his only healthy way forward, THAT is what you need to be supporting him with

rockinhippy · 09/03/2013 11:40

Sorry x post,

Original poster

slatternlymother · 09/03/2013 11:40

poodletip yes! That's it! If she just accepted DH's pain as real, and accepted it shouldn't have happened... I understand how it was hard in the 80's/90's to leave; harder than it is now.

But no child's mother should stand by and watch as the father beats their child, scalds them, breaks bones.

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 09/03/2013 11:50

YANBU. Support your husband he is your primary concern. The rights and wrongs don't really matter now, only how your dh feels. I say that as someone who is very sympathetic to any woman who suffers dv and understanding that things aren't always black and white.

A counsellor could help.

rockinhippy · 09/03/2013 11:51

It sounds like his DM already knows that, her chaotic lifestyle screams of her deep down severe unhappiness & also trying to stick her head in the sand & not face up to the too painful fact that her not being strong enough to leave affected you DH so badly - they both need really counselling to ever ave any hope of moving on & getting passed this

Inertia · 09/03/2013 11:57

If she won't acknowledge that DH suffered any harm at all, it's understandable that he feels as he does towards her. It sounds like DH needs validation that what happened to him was very very wrong and not his fault, and he will never get that from his mother.

Sugarice · 09/03/2013 11:58

I absolutely see your dh's point.

Do you have your own children?

As a Parent, your instinct should be to protect your children from danger and pain. As you say, your dh is traumatised not just by his injuries but also by his Mother's inability to protect him when he was a child, he must have asked himself during those attacks 'why isn't she making this stop'.

I know she suffered dreadfully too and things aren't always clear, but to him it is the question that may always remain unanswered.

Original poster

slatternlymother · 09/03/2013 12:01

But how to convince him to go to counselling?

He's only just opened up to me about the severity of the abuse that he personally suffered; before that I only knew about the DV his mother suffered with.

I really want him to go, but he's not open to it. How can I sell it to him? I've had counselling for PND, so he doesn't view it as a bad thing; just says it isn't for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

slatternlymother · 09/03/2013 12:02

sugarice he was actually ok until we had our own DC. Then he was hit by it again.

OP posts:

Sugarice · 09/03/2013 12:07

I think when you have your own children you look at them and wonder how other people can do the most terrible things.

Sorry to go off thread and nothing even close as traumatic as your dh's experience but my Mother left us and Dad for another man when we [me, sister and brother] were teens, no goodbye, just up and left!. For years after I maintained a reasonable relationship until my ds's reached the age that she left us at. I could not ever imagine doing what she did and I cannot forgive her for her actions, it hit me like a ton of bricks and every time I look at her I feel so angry.

I hope your dh gets some peace in time.

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