to ask how to deal with A 'frenemy'?

[Samnella]

At the risk of sounding like a 12 year old I want to get some advice from a group of people that are objective of me and the situation. I have a 'friend' lets call her X. Live locally and kids go to the same school so see each other a lot. I won't list the specific comments as it will out me but suffice to say she is one of those people who consistently makes digs at me about the size of my house, money, weight, competitive about children etc. She is also invasively nosey. Knocks on my door without invitation (I hate that) and generally asks lots of questions about money etc (I avoid replying) whilst boasting how she doesn't need to budget etc. An example of her invasiveness is her and her husband gong to see a house they knew we had looked at it just to check it out! Not that they were looking to live there. WTF!

She is now going through a phase of slagging someone else off we know. I am pretty sure it's because this person has something she wants (she's lost a lot of weight).

However, in a time of need X can be incredibly generous and is the first to offer to help. Also, DD is best friends with her DD.

I find myself caught up between wanting to just tell her where to go and trying to see the good in her.

AIBU to think she is a frenemy and how the hell do I deal with her when we have so many links? I would love to just drop her but that's not possible so need some advice.

Difficult... The best thing would be to stay friendly but keep her at army's length - and NEVER confide in her about anything!

yes, take what's useful from her but never confide

Yeah I had a freind like this once and it is tricky! you cant drop her, but perhaps you need to assert some respect in a subtle way - do things with out her, talk about people she doesnt know (in a nice way) so she realises (or thinks ) theres more to you than what she sees IYSWIM. Also when she slags someone off always always remain neutral and dont indulge her bitchiness, things like 'oh really? i always thought so and so was alright' etc etc

Do you live in Hertfordshire? Sounds like someone I used to know. It used to drive me bats as I'm quite a private person, but I genuinely don't think she realised or could help it. Borderline narcissistic personality disorder I reckoned. She slagged off pretty much anyone in one breath, then praised them with the next. I never really involved myself, as was sure she would be slagging me off to others in just the same way. Wierd.

She makes digs about the size of your house, weight etc and noses around you and you're trying to see the good in her? Doesn't sound like there's much to be honest. What do you say to her when she makes digs? I'd start picking her up on them in a direct way. Tell her when she's being inappropriate. I get that your kids are close friends but why does that mean you have to put up with her bad behaviour?

I had a friend like this too.

had being the operative word.

I distanced myself from her the moment I woke up to the fact that she was rather manipulative.

We now are down to nodding terms - just - as our cars pass each other on the school run.

Awkward tho.

Don't tell her anything. Don't ever say anything about anyone else to her! if she says something nasty about someone - make your reply a compliment about them. Never give her anything she can take or twist and use against you. Keep your conversation to neutral subjects.

If she says something nasty - tell her! "Actually, that's rather hurtful." or "Was that really necessary?" or "I found that quite rude."

If she asks you a personal question, just say "Wow. That's quite a personal question, isn't it?" and change the subject.

Accept she's not your friend.

Don't answer the door if you don't want to.

DD2's best friend's mum is like that. I keep her at arm's length. Be vague with her. Brief chats about the weather, or about the kids' homework. Don't make any plans with her. Don't tell her anything personal as then you give her opportunities to make digs. Smile and nod if she says any digs, and just make excuses and walk off.

I'd be keeping a distance.

Hecate's advice on dealing with her sounds good.

Society is so obsessed with keeping a safe distance in relationships! I am alway pushing boundaries as i want a real friendship - for me that means we can talk about anything, be it good or bad, kind or not. Sure you will end up driving a few away but you might just end up with a true friend for life. So be honest tell her when she is in the wrong - in the nicest possible way of course!

Maybe try the Did you mean to be so rude? line on her when she makes the nasty digs? Make it clear that its overstepping the boundary of the relationship. She might not even realise how offensive she's being. Definitely limit what you tell her like re houses!

really? Are you saying that you ask people personal questions, slag others off to them and critisise them about their weight or style or whathaveyou in order to see who'll take it and those people who do, you identify as 'true friends'?

Cos if that's so, I have to say that I think that's a bit weird. People who will answer deeply personal questions and accept being critisied are people who lack confidence, imo, and seeking out only those people to befriend feels a bit off.

Thanks all. Distance is required I think.

What do you say to her when she makes digs? I must admit I can be a real gob shite when I want to be but she always takes me by surprise and I am normally a bit . Try to think of what else she meant as surely no one is that offensive and then the moment passes. I did pull her up once when she made a hideously insensitive comment after our much love dog died suddenly. As in I came downstairs and found him dead, so a huge shock to all of us. She was so apologetic and admitted she says the wrong thing sometimes. And some I would say.

She also pees off a mutual friend for all the same reasons. This friend challenged her on something and now X has twisted it so I need to find ways of dealing with it that she can't twist round. Maybe the MN classic "Did you mean to be so rude" is the answer

Whoopass That didn't come out right did it? I meant I would be very direct as opposed to pushing her a safe distance away, so if she is having a dig I would just come out and say; Are you having a dig at me?

If someone repeatedly has digs as me, I figure that even if I pulled them up on it, if they make nasty digs they're probably not someone I want to be friends with anyway. I'm not sure I'd want to waste time asking them if they meant to be so rude, etc etc. People like that are very good at twisting things anyway, so chances are if you tackled her she would take great offence, become the victim, and tell people that you have been horrible to her!

As I said, I would ignore nasty comments, or just give her a look like this and then 'Oh there's Jane over there, must go and speak to her about something. Toodle pip'

What "links" do you have to entangle you other than your dd's being friends?
I'm not friends with the parents of all my kids friends, and it's not a problem?
I wouldn't have classed someone who acts like her a friend anyway.

no it did not. I thought you were a right 'un!

Yes, direct is always best. People shouldn't be allowed to get away with being shits.

And people shouldn't fool themselves that someone who can treat them like dirt is a friend.

Do you live in Yorkshire? I know this person!

In the end I just stopped answering her texts, took her off my xmas card list. A bit more tricky if you're seeing her every day though.

Agree with everyone else about keeping a cordial distance.

Do you live in Yorkshire? I know this person! No there must be more than one!

What "links" do you have to entangle you other than your dd's being friends? She lives a road away and the DC are at school and mutual friends/acquaintances through school. I guess if she were just another a parent at the school I wouldn't feel so linked. I think she sees herself as a good friend in that she tells me intimate things (I mean very intimate) rather than just the normal chit chat you have with parents.