Home alone, feeling sorry for myself.

[grumpyinthemorning]

DP is out yet again, still not home. He spent all last weekend with his friends. And I have to look at wedding venues tomorrow by myself because he's working. I'm sick to death of sitting at home waiting for him. I don't want to cut off his social life, but between that and work he doesn't seem to have time for me. And it would be nice if he could call me and let me know if he's not going to be home.

I know this sounds incredibly whiny. I'm just so tired of running around after a toddler all day and then being left on my own at night. It's like being a single parent again. I just don't know what else I can do. I rarely have nights out anymore as it's hard to get a babysitter, yet I end up watching DS while DP goes out.

I should stop now before I stamp my foot and yell "it's not fair".

IMHO I don't think the person you are planning to marry should be acting or making you feel like this;

"he doesn't seem to have time for me"

"could call me and let me know if he's not going to be home"

"I feel like a single parent again"

YANBU and its not fair, what exactly does he contribute? Does he make you feel special or valued in any way?

and you're marrying this man because....?

Wedding venues for you and him?

I wouldn't bother love

No, honestly, he's making you feel like you're whiny and have to justify yourself for wanting him to want to spend time with you, what does that say to you?

You don't sound as though you feel you could depend on him in a crisis, or feel comfortable with him staying in knowing he'd rather be out, or that he's taking his responsibility to you and your DS seriously.

Has he always been like this? How would he react if you said you want to call the wedding off so you could think on things (and if he'd try to turn it round into being your fault or get defensive about it - time to have a rethink).

Why aren't you taking it in turns to go out?

He's just rolled in, stinking drunk. I don't think I could get more angry. I just told him to go to bed, I don't trust myself not to yell at him right now.

Yelling at drunk people is a complete waste of breathe.

talk to him tomorrow, tell him you've had enough of his piss-taking.

Yes, definitely let him go up and leave him alone, you're not going to get any answers from him tonight.

Are you that pissed off you're genuinely thinking of whether you should tie yourself to this man?

If you are, could you get things straight in your head and schedule a time where you're both sober/not tired/without children to talk about how you feel?

Wanting to spend time with the other person is pretty big on the list of things to expect from a DP.

I did go out on Tuesday for a friend's birthday (although he knew I'd be home, since he had work the next day). It just bugs me that he's spending so much time away. Since he got this new position at work he's been pulling stupid hours. Between that and his nights/days out I just feel like I'm taking second place.

The worst part is, he knows my issues with being treated like this (due to abusive XP - i wasn't allowed to go out). He doesn't do it on purpose, but I feel like he should be more considerate.

Sorry if it looks like I'm drip-feeding. I'm just fuming, trying to get my head straight.

Can this man meet the needs you have (through no fault of your own) for extra reassurance?

Does he make you feel safe and secure?

Safe and secure - yes. I don't fear him coming home drunk (with XP it meant forced sex and/or verbal abuse). Need for extra reassurance - not so much. I still sometimes feel like he's putting HIS life ahead of OUR life. Which doesn't leave much time for MY life. If that makes any sense.

He might generally know you have problems around stuff like this, but have you told him specifically that it's bothering you more than normal at the min?

And more importantly, exactly what he can do to make you feel more cared for?

A general 'I need reassurance' is very different to 'if you see me doing X then I might need a hug/asking if I'm OK/texting a bit more.

Since this is in AIBU I'm going to shoot from the hip: Do not marry this man.

Seriously, it sounds like XP has caused you to set a low bar for how you expect to be treated.

He doesn't do it on purpose?

Sorry love but he DOES.

You've told him how you feel - he is disregarding it. The work stuff perhaps there is no way round but he is not prioritising you, your feelings or your needs at all.

I ould think long and hard if you want to tie yourself to this man and if you can live the rest of your life being second/third best to his work and then to his social life.

Just because he doesn't abuse you, it does not mean he is treating you well.

i would not consider marrying a man like this. he's not single anymore. he needs to understand that he has a partner and a child and that his family need to come above his social life. tell him it's not acceptable and that you both need an equal amout of downtime and that you're not getting your share.

are you a SAHP? my guess is he probably thinks that because you don't work, you don't need the downtime he needs, which is obviously bullshit, but you need to call him out on it. tell him how you feel and tell him things need to change before any wedding plans go ahead at all.

wonderland yes I am a SAHP, so perhaps he does think that.

You've all given me a lot to think about.

ah, i would assume he then thinks "well, she's home all day and has all this time to do whatever she wants, so i should get it too", totally forgetting that you have a toddler to look after, which is definitely not all fun and games!

just talk to him - tell him you have no problem with him going out, so long as he is willinng to let you go out (toddler-free!) for the same amount of time, and that you should be spending one weekend day together as a family if possible. if he works one day, the other day should be for you guys to spend together - even if it's just doing mundane household stuff or watching tv, it's really important that you spend time together with your DS.