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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's bloody rude to send your DC to a birthday party with NO card or present for the birthday child?

289 replies

ScaredyKnickers · 08/03/2013 10:44

This has happened a few times now with different parties for my DC where one or two of the invitees have turned without even a card. On one occasion, the parent had not even replied, DC just turned up empty handed. These parents have never struck me as struggling for money and card can cost only 50p anyway. I would never send my DCs to a birthday celebration without a card and a present. Smacks of 'can't be bothered' to me and complete arrogance.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Snoopingforsoup · 08/03/2013 12:04

Hmm. It's a tough one.
It's happened to me before and the Mum actually got my DC a gift a couple of weeks later. I felt for her more than I did for DC because it must have been embarrassing for her. She actually gave a beautiful gift and I assumed she must have been skint at the time of the party. I didn't expect her to give anything. TBH, I was delighted her DD was there because she means a lot to my DC. I don't believe she was being rude or arrogant.
Not RSVPing is rude and annoying, but kids get so much at parties, and I'd rather the kids were there and having fun than not go because of a gift and card. The parents got them there to celebrate my DC's birthday and I appreciate that effort more than any gift or card. Let's face it, parties take a couple of hours out of your day, they eat crap, bring home party bags of utter tat, but they love going. They love having a party.
I have actually considered saying 'no gifts' on my DC's invitations because they get so much but then realised that I was being pretty mean!
I'm not sure if YABU, I understand both sides.

Lucyellensmum95 · 08/03/2013 12:04

"Ok then. It seems IABU! Must be projecting my standards onto others! " Hmm

So you think you are better than these people now?

Here's a present for you Biscuit

Greensleeves · 08/03/2013 12:05

I actually saw someone on here years ago post that children who turned up "empty-handed" shouldn't get a party bag

I hate bloody party bags anyway but that's a different thread. I find it baffling that adults go on about presents and "turning up empty-handed". My kids have more maturity and generosity of spirit than that, thank goodness.

everlong · 08/03/2013 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loa · 08/03/2013 12:08

YABU.

I'm just happy roughly the right amout of people turn up - or at least enough so my DC aren't upset and very happy if my DC have enjoyed their parties.

I know more than one person who has thrown a party and had no one turn up and ended up with a very distressed DC. Something I'm aware we could face due to my DC birthdates.

hamdangle · 08/03/2013 12:14

Agree with green sleeves and lucyellensmum. What would really upset me would be if DS actually noticed that there was a present missing or cared.

But then DS's ideal gift actually was a box of malteasers, partly because he is a sweet fiend and partly because he never really played with toys except Barbie dolls paper and pens.

hamdangle · 08/03/2013 12:14

Strike through fail!

peppersaunt · 08/03/2013 12:17

Good timing on this thread - need to vent. DD going to party this weekend. Birthday girl has come to at least 3 of my DDs whole class parties with no gift or card. It's not her fault but having trouble getting motivated to get a gift. It's definitely not financial, just rudeness IMO.

Sparklingbrook · 08/03/2013 12:18

If you think it's rude then you will have to get a present and card peppers.

pigletmania · 08/03/2013 12:23

Yanbu at all. Even if they cannot afford presents,it a handmade card is good. asda and pound shop does lovely things. I would rather my chi,d nt go to the party than turning up with absolutely nothing, it's very rude

superfluouscurves · 08/03/2013 12:24

Totally agree with Greensleeves

How awful to expect something in return when sending out an invitation

Blowin · 08/03/2013 12:24

You certainly cant get a card for 50p anywhere around here. Maybe if you live in a big town near a poundland, but round here in our small town all cards are upward of £1.50.

OP You are being ridiculous, who cares if child doesnt bring a pressie fgs, your child prob has enough tat anyhow!

StoicButStressed · 08/03/2013 12:24

Fanny (great name btwGrin) 'No need for a pressie, don't think OP was moaning about that, but to turn up without even a card is just bad manners.' Confused as what OP actually wrote WAS moaning about that very thing?Hmm As OP vereee clearly described her thoughts in her post? IE 'to think it's bloody rude to send your DC to a birthday party with NO card or present for the birthday child?'

Clouds: 'Nor does it cost anything to speak to the parent organising the party and say that you can't afford a present but that your child would still live to come. I'm sure any half decent person would be absolutely fine with that.'

WTF???! So the presumption there is that IF a child/the parent cannot afford a present, they should ring first to check their invite still stands? That's bonkers (& what on earth does it teach children - OP's or others - that it's the material present that matters more than the presence of the people they like & wanted to invite?)

I think OP is B.uber.U (& a tad skewed in the value system if honest). Ditto those who 'presume' what another parent can/cannot afford when none of us can have a CLUE re others circs? IE, I am right now bricking it that will run out of funds before end of month to feed my DCs & afford fuel to get them to school, but know for certain that anyone 'looking at me'/other things about us WOULD - if they were judgemental and shallow enough to do so - absolutely have NO clue that is my reality. Only thing I DO think & agree is very U/rude is not responding/rsvp'ing and then rocking up.

As for the 'free' Plan B of DC making a card, i) it's not 'free'.. IE, right now I cannot even afford the printing paper I need desperately for legal stuff, funeral stuff, etc; ii) I wouldn't, in the very practical sense, have REMOTEST chance right now of helping him do that; & iii) KNOW youngest DS(11) would be mortified at rocking up with that in any event. I've never given a toss about what gifts my DC's have or have not got; I've just been glad they have had great parties with their lovely friends - whether said friends are rich, doing ok, skint, or absolutely just about struggling to get by. And - way more importantly - being really clear with them about presents etc being a bonus and having the manners to thank people for them, and that they grow up with a value system that isn't based on material things but other, way more important, things.

pigletmania · 08/03/2013 12:25

My mum sent me to a party when I was 5 empty handed I was Blush, everybody was gibpving gifts accept for me. I never forget it 31 years on

Wallison · 08/03/2013 12:30

I've been through periods of my life when I was very skint, but I still think it's rude to turn up empty-handed to a party, whether that be birthday or wedding or whatever. It's just manners.

^^ IE, I am right now bricking it that will run out of funds before end of month to feed my DCs & afford fuel to get them to school, but know for certain that anyone 'looking at me'/other things about us WOULD - if they were judgemental and shallow enough to do so - absolutely have NO clue that is my reality.

Well, that would be a natural assumption on their part, as you appear to have internet access and a computer.

givemeaclue · 08/03/2013 12:33

Yanbu, a home made card costs nothing, its not about money its just manners

pigletmania · 08/03/2013 12:33

My dad had a good job and owned their own house so were not poor

SpareHeadThree · 08/03/2013 12:35

Although it's lovely to get presents and cards when it's the child's birthday, there's no way I'd expect it.
Mine are still small and do the whole party thing, and if somebody turned up with no present or card I wouldn't be offended.
I'd just be happy that their friend was there to share their party with them, I couldn't give a stuff about a present or not, as lovely as they are!
They wouldn't notice either, they'd be too busy playing.
People who do take the huff because they haven't been given a present or card come across as a bit greedy and grasping, tbh.

Buzzardbird · 08/03/2013 12:39

I would never judge anyone who turned up empty handed to a party. My DN and

DN turn up at every party empty handed because they lost their DM when they were 5 and 8. My DB works every hour god sends and doesn't cope well and it would never occur to him to give them cards etc, he doesn't even send them to his own family. It doesn't bother us, why should it bother anyone else?

Losing my DSIL has taught me a lot about what is important in life and what really isn't.

I know children that don't get to go to any parties because maybe their parents can't afford or can't be bothered...it breaks my heart when they know everyone in the class is going to be there except for them. I would rather a thousand times over that they came to my DD's parties and didn't bring anything.

pigletmania · 08/03/2013 12:39

It's manners to come with something. If you can't afford it a homemade card and something small the child made at home like a paper hat or something. I would never dream of going to a party myself empty handed

BarbarianMum · 08/03/2013 12:40

wallison please have a prize Biscuit for the daftest post on the thread up against some pretty stiff competition too

mummabug · 08/03/2013 12:40

Stoic has hit nail on the head. YABU and come across as arrogant yourself. In my head I have visions of middle class snootiness.

mummabug · 08/03/2013 12:42

.....with warped ideas about things that matter.

Sugarice · 08/03/2013 12:43

Thank God mine are now teens and I don't have the stress of dealing with party politics! Grin

Yes it's rude to show up without a previous rsvp and a card but I wouldn't stress over it, the lack of notice about him showing up at all would rile me more.

Wallison · 08/03/2013 12:45

How is it daft? If you really can't afford to feed your kids, lose the broadband package.