To be hurt/ annoyed by my mum saying this?

[ivanapoo]

My parents live near to my sister (the other side of the country to me). When sis had children, my parents looked after them while she worked until they went to school so they are v close.

My mum refers to my sister's children as "the children" or "the kids" regardless of the situation. I feel a bit put out by this as it makes me feel like my baby DS is not yet considered to be one of the family's children.

I'm being a bit precious about this, aren't I... I think I just feel a bit sad that my DS won't have as good a relationship as my DNs do with their grandparents.

How old is your ds? Maybe it's just an age related distinction?

I have similar, ds grew up away from my parents with only an occasional visit and they're much closer to my niece and nephews. When the babies reach a milestone or achievement and it's all cooed and commented on, I feel a pang of sympathy for ds who missed out on it all.

Still, it was my choice to live away and not my parents' fault they know the other dc better, they try hard to be fair and inclusive. I don't blame you for feeling like this, but don't take it to heart, it's just circumstances, not their preference. Can you talk to them about it?

I would feel just like you do.
Maybe it's just habit why she refers to them as 'the kids'. If she's always talked to you about them like that, then she's probably just not considered how it comes across now you have your baby.
I hope you can sensitively raise it with her and tell her how it's made you feel. She'll probably be mortified to have hurt your feelings.

My in laws do this but the youngest of the cousins is 4 so it's more a case that those are 'the children' and this is 'the baby'. And it's purely an age thing.

Because if you say 'the kids are going on the swings' or 'the kids are having a roast for dinner' obviously this won't include a little babe in arms so it just draws that distinction.

Sometimes it is just shorthand, but can still hurt. MIL and SIL used to refer to my nieces as "the girls" when we were all together, till I started regularly asking if they were including my dd in that. But then we all refer to my sons as "the boys" because its quicker. Now we have "the little girls" ... That's not going to last. We're just gonna have to use their names ...

It's habit - and quite understandable, I'm afraid. She looked after them and saw them and your sister daily for 4 or 5 years. Now, presumably, she still sees them several times a week if your sister and she live close together. I don't think there's much you can do about it - she's bound to be closer to them than she will be to your DS. Not purposefully but through circumstance.

You are massively over thinking this. How else is she supposed to refer to her other DGCs? She calls the 'the kids' because they are indeed, kids.

I agree that it is a shame that you don't live closer but that doesn't mean that your DCs won't have a good relationship with your mum.

We have this. We don't live close. My nephew stays at my in-laws 2 days week. My MIL collects him from school nearly everyday and is very involved in his life.

But what is she meant to do? Measure out time spent with her grandchildren in equal measure when we only see them for 4 hrs every 2 months? PIL would love us to be nearer and be able to help. But we don't.

It stings abit at times when they tell me about all the fun weekends they had away or trips to the theme parks etc.

But my children have other people in their lives as a result of us not having family support. My neighbours are fantastic with our children. I have friends who are close to me and my children.

My DS is a baby whereas my DNs are children so it is a fair comment that age could be a factor.

I know it's circumstance but before they moved they lived much closer to me (2 hours away, rather than 4). And they've moved to a town where there is v little work (DSis doesn't work now) so not even an option for us to move there really.

Is it habit? They've always been the only children and now your DS has come along she hasn't quite got out of the habit of calling them that? We all used to call my Dsis's children "the boys" and continued for a couple of years after she had a DD. It wasn't excluding the DD at all, it was just that we were in the habit of calling her children "the boys" collectively.

She'll probably stop in the fullness of time.

I seem to remember my PILs calling BIL and SILs eldest two sons "the boys" when they were little, as they were born very close in age. There eldest son was only five months old when SIL became pregnant with their second son.

There are four years between their second son and their third, and then they had a fourth baby, this time a girl. The two eldest are still called ''the boys'' while the younger two are ''the little ones'' and I think it's just a habit. I think partly it was the habit of calling the elder two "the boys" and partly the age gap that stopped the third son being included as one of them.

If ever PILs mentioned ''the boys'' we knew it meant just two of the three. If they were talking about all three boys together it was "the boys and X" and all four children together was "the boys and the little ones."

God knows what they would call my DS to distinguish him, as we don't see them anymore.

I suspect that they referred to him as "the baby" and that's probably what your family do, call your sisters's children "the kids" and your son "the baby" for now, especially as they live far away from each other. It will change when your son is older or if you have another child I am sure.