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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned/angry at my sons mum...

22 replies

Shoesme · 07/03/2013 23:51

Hi, I'll try to keep this short and provide the full details. My ex and I have a 2 year old together, we still get on great etc. Now she suffers from depression and I still try to help her out as much as possible while still living my own life. She suffers from being lonley and to counter this will invite men from POF to come to her house when i've got my son for the weekend, now I don't know if this is for sex or just a date which is fine I guess although not healthy.

However tonight when i dropped my son off she wouldn't let me enter, like I normally would, because she had a "friend" there, now i questioned her if this was a man from the internet and it was, I asked how long she'd known him and she couldn't answer but just looked sheepish so I'm guessing it's the latest bloke. I said to her that it is totally not on that she puts her children (ones mine) in danger by inviting strangers into her home while the kids are present and she should start putting her kids first and also that I can't help her anymore if she won't help herself.

Am i wrong to feel this way? I'll try to answer any questions you have but may go to bed soon.

Thank you

OP posts:

forgetmenots · 07/03/2013 23:55

YANBU. Perhaps if you speak to her about it a bit more directly there wouldn't be any nasty surprises at drop off - and I think you're right to be concerned. Make it clear maybe that you're happy to be a bit more flexible with time so that there's no crossover between your dc and her 'friends' but also be clear that this is because you're not happy with it round your son.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 07/03/2013 23:57

I'd be concerned too, she has no idea who these men really are, and shes putting them at potential risk.

CocacolaMum · 07/03/2013 23:59

YANBU I would be really pissed off if we split up and dh did this with random women.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 08/03/2013 00:00

Yanbu. It is a very awkward situation though. Your ex needs to live her life whilst respecting the fact that someone she has only know very briefly might not be safe to have unfettered access to her children. I think you need to talk to her calmly and explain the dangers and your concerns whilst making it clear that you want her to be happy and be free to have a new relationship.

MsPavlichenko · 08/03/2013 00:02

I've no idea how you know what she does in her own house when you are not there. I've also no idea why you need to be in her house at any time, and why you need to ask her why she doesn't want to let you in. She doesn't need to answer your questions about her friends.

Best if you both concentrate on your own lives. If you have any actual evidence to suggest that your children are at risk, then you may need to think about what to do.

MagicHouse · 08/03/2013 00:02

That's really concerning. You're right to be worried - she doesn't know these men at all. Have you thought about what you're going to do about it?

Original poster

Shoesme · 08/03/2013 00:09

She is aware of the dangers, i have been trying to help her for the past year as an ex, so much so that it puts strain on my life, I've always been there for her when she was feeling low etc, only last month I had to go to hers and sleep on the settee because she was upset that a man she was in a serious relationship with at one point had met someone else. I don't know what else I can do because nothing changes and it just feels like I've become some one who she can use for support until she meets someone for 2 weeks and then the cycle continues

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 08/03/2013 00:11

YANBU.

How do you know she's meeting these men? Has she told you?

Original poster

Shoesme · 08/03/2013 00:14

I know all this because i'm forever trying to help emotionally and she un-loads it all on me. We do have a great relationship, spend time with the kids together when we can etc, we are friends, I am very much welcome at her home as she is mine when we pick the kids up. So yeah, I know all this because we're friends basically.

OP posts:

IneedAgoldenNickname · 08/03/2013 00:17

Yanbu. I've never understood women, our men for that matter who feel the need to a, constantly be in a relationship. B, introduce their children to everyone they meet. I don't know if there's anything you can do about it though

Original poster

Shoesme · 08/03/2013 00:17

Yes she has told me, that's why i know, I've no problem what she does in her own time when I've got my son and the other is with his dad, it's not healthy but I can't say anything but it becomes my problem when my son is involved.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 08/03/2013 00:20

Its a difficult one as on one hand you can't police her friends or relationships but on the other having the children exposed to countless hook ups that last 2 weeks is not good.

Have you considered telling her nicely that whilst she can do what she wants in her own time with who she wants and its nothing to do with you that you would prefer it if she did not expose your child to it?

Ask her how she would feel if you were doing it around the kids?

Would she respond to that?

SofiaAmes · 08/03/2013 00:26

I don't think the OP is complaining so much about the short term nature of the hookups (in relationship to his child), but rather the possibility that the men could be a danger to his child as she has met them on the internet and doesn't really know anything about them.

Original poster

Shoesme · 08/03/2013 00:28

I've pretty much had that conversation with her with what you wrote but obviously it's now fell on deaf ears. She is a great mum though and loves the boys more than anything but she just dosn't seem to be bothered anymore. The thing is too that her meeting new men every 2 weeks just seems to make her feel worse. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/03/2013 00:30

Sorry but YABU. Her private life is just that, private. She is your ex. You have to pull back for your own sake and focus on your DCs, not on her.

Original poster

Shoesme · 08/03/2013 00:30

That's it Sofia, i do worry about her safety when she invites men she hasn't know long into her home but if she wants to do that then fair enough but a line has been crossed when it involves the biys being present with these strange men.

OP posts:

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 08/03/2013 00:33

Shoes I wish my ex cared about me that much, he couldnt have cared less about me when he left, i understand the worry over your DS, tbh, i would be worried if it was me talking about an ex.

Original poster

Shoesme · 08/03/2013 00:39

I just feel helpless, obviously I can't make her not do this but I just wish she would see that it is potentially dangerous, as far as I'm aware this is the first time this has happened though with the kids being present. I feel i need to step back being a friend/emotionally supportive because it's a never ending cycle and she just doesn't seem to want to help herself and hopefully me not being there to pick up the pieces will make her see sense, sounds horrible thinking about it but i don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 08/03/2013 00:48

I think withdrawing your emotional support could have bad results,its possible it could tip her over the edge and lead to much riskier behaviour.

Can you continue to be supportive of her with regards to time ect but only offer basic support when she wants to cry on you about the latest love of her life

Original poster

Shoesme · 08/03/2013 00:51

Thank you for the responses so far. I need to get some sleep now.

Thank you all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shoesme · 08/03/2013 00:54

I am perfectly happy to adjust the time i have my DS to suit her but that's how it's been anyway, I don't know why she just didn't wait till the weekend to meet this fella, got the whole weekend then.

OP posts:

livinginwonderland · 08/03/2013 08:25

yanbu. she doesn't really know these men and there are always stories around about women meeting men online and they turn out to be nasty pieces of work. it's especially dangerous that they know where she lives, and you have every right to be concerned/worried about your DS's welfare.

she shouldn't be introducing her kids to different men all the time - it's really unsettling for them and can cause mass distrust and commitment issues as they get older, even if they are only young now. i'm rubbish with advice but you're definnitely NBU in this situation!

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