To be cross with my Dad for calling daughter "horrid little girl"

[DorsetLass]

Parents have been down to stay - had to leave daughter with my father for no more than 10 mins this afternoon - ba time as post school /tired/generally grot time of day - and she was being quite foul. On my way back in I heard my father calling her a horrid little girl - am really upset (but he was being quite badley behaved for him). Unreasonable reaction to be upset???

This distinction between a child being horrid and their behaviour being horrid. I sort of see where people are coming from with this, but actually i think the distinction is a bit subtle for young children. I see the distinction between what is acceptable and what is not as being more about tone and highlighting specific behaviour rather than actual words used.

He was in loco parentis as a favour to you. As he is normally good & you haven't said anything about being emotionally scarred about anything he's said to you as a child, I'd suck it up & move on. Yes, in an ideal world we'd criticise the behaviour & not the child yadda, yadda, but I think it doesn't actually do children harm to get a verbal sharp shock now and again when they're being foul.

YANBU. If you're going to use such language, then you should tell them that the behavior is horrible, not that they are. These things stick with kids. You only need to make a comment like that once, and it will stay with them. Worse if it's not a parent, also, I think, because if they see them less frequently, that will be the association they hold: "Granddad thinks I'm horrible".

I'd be having a word with him, and telling her that he was wrong to say it.

Oh ha ha ha ha sirboob - seriously seriously??

I think you're going in a bit deep sirboob. I honestly don't think a three year old is going to store up one sharp comment for the rest of her life. OP's father, on the other hand, might be quite pissed off at being pulled up on one throwaway remark when a child was giving him grief.

So he could only put up with 10 minutes of a child aged 3.5 before saying this nasty thing to her?

I think your dad was being a horrid old man.

Children aged 3.5 get tired and cranky and sometimes let down their hair a bit after school or nursery. A grown adult could be expected to have patience for TEN minutes and not say a dreadful thing to such a young child.

That isn't true at all Sir Boobalot. How much do you remember of being 3.5 much less the words somebody used? It doesn't stick with you unless it is repeated and reflects their relationship, not if it were a one off said by a generally loving adult to a child who probably wasn't taking that much notice anyway.

I bet if you were to ask the child (I wouldn't, what would be the point of making a big deal?) she has already forgotten about it.

It sounds from what you've said, that just at that particular moment...she was.

Agree with Member's post.

If you're going to use such language, then you should tell them that the behavior is horrible, not that they are. These things stick with kids. You only need to make a comment like that once, and it will stay with them

Psychobabble nonsense.. if a child is being naughty and horrible, they are being naughty and horrible and should be told off for it.

Overreaction, much?
You said yourself she was being horrid! All he did was voice it.

It will do her no harm whatsoever to be called horrid for being a brat. She has to learn that bad behaviour has an effect on those around her, one that she cannot always predict. How else is she supposed to learn to moderate her behaviour?
Hopefully though, they have had a chance to make up with a cuddle before home time though?

Chill mathanxiety. One hastily snapped criticism when his Granddaughter was behaving very badly does not make him a 'horrid old man'.

He said she was horrid, not being horrid, Whoknowswhocares.

What I said was he was being a horrid old man, not that he was/is 'a horrid old man' Atthewellies.

If adults can't tell the difference between those two phrases it may well be difficult for 3.5 year olds to.

Ten minutes is an awfully short amount of time before an adult loses it. I would be very inclined to speak with him about his choice of words and ask him what sort of a burr he keeps up his arse.

I would like to see statistics of traumatised adults who remember being told they were horrid, compared to traumatised adults who remember being told their behaviour was horrid.

As Squeaky says, psychobabble rubbish.

(and maybe statistics of adults who remember behaving a bit bloody better next time because they'd been told they were out of order)

Nowadays we are told that you criticise the behaviour rather than the child, but in your dad's day there probably wasn't that distinction. I think it was a throwaway remark, from a loving grandfather, and she will have forgotten it already. All this angsty navel-gazing wears me out, I am sure children are more resilient than we think.

At 3.5 I doubt that the child has any comprehension of the difference in those 2 statements math!
I didn't pick up on it. The chances of her doing so and analysing it to draw a conclusion of anything other than she should behave better next time are negligible

Just had a chat to her about it - she has no recollection of the comment - so I think damage may be minimal! Will mention it to Dad in passing when I see him next - I think no harm meant.

Is your dad well? Ten minutes is not a lot of time before throwing in the towel.