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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my friend about her hen do and ruin the surprise?

13 replies

RosePetalsAndLace · 07/03/2013 13:51

My friend is having a small wedding and so we decided to throw her a small surprise hen do too.

I've come up with a couple of suggestions but they've all said no to them.

One friend suggested a night out drinking because she thinks the bride once said she would love to do that as she never goes out drinking anymore.

I know for a fact and so do the rest of them that the bride hates this kind of thing and always says no when we decide to go on a night out.

But it seems to have been decided that that's what we're doing, as friend is adamant that the bride said that. She is a really good friend and I want her to have a good night ... and I just don't think she will.

Aibu to warn her beforehand?

OP posts:

marzipananimal · 07/03/2013 13:55

I think yanbu but be prepared to piss off the friend who organised it

BuiltForComfort · 07/03/2013 13:55

surprises like this are really not great from the pov of the surprisee. You will have to tell her you're going out surely, so she can dress appropriately. Then she will need to know if she should eat or not beforehand, so that's another bit of surprise gone. A night out drinking isn't that much of a surprise is it? Not like you've got Brad Pitt lined up. Surely she'd be happier knowing there is a do planned, it entails a night out and some drinks then she can say "I'd prefer a meal" or soemthing. And you can "surprise" her on the evening with some gifts or a tacky stripper (not really) or Brad.

phantomhairpuller · 07/03/2013 13:56

I think YABU and a bit of a spoil-sport cos your ideas got thrown out. Sorry

Original poster

RosePetalsAndLace · 07/03/2013 14:01

I think YABU and a bit of a spoil-sport cos your ideas got thrown out

No not in the slightest, I only mentioned it because in my opinion it would be ridiculous of me to oppose the night out drinking if I had never put any of my own ideas forward too.

OP posts:

Yannah2006 · 07/03/2013 14:01

Couldn't you chat to the friend who's organising and say you all feel that the bride would prefer X instead?

Or perhaps do what she's planned and then you organise something she'd prefer for you all to do the next day?

I think you would BU to tell the bride. It might not be her favorite thing to do, but the friend is only thinking of the bride (it's possible that the bride did once say that to her). It's the thought that counts surely?

Maebe · 07/03/2013 14:07

Difficult one. It would be a BU to tell the bride. But I do know someone who had a night out in an '80s bar in fancy dress as her hen do, because her friend thought it was what she would want, and she absolutely hated it. If you really know the bride would hate it then probably best to try talking to the friend who is organising it first - maybe get some of the other friends on side, as you think they know the bride will hate the night too?

Whocansay · 07/03/2013 14:13

Don't spoil the surprise. If you really believe that the bride won't like it, have some ideas in reserve (dinner / bowling / casino, etc) that would be easy to do on the night if the bride hates the plan.

YWBU to spoil the surprise.

INeedThatForkOff · 07/03/2013 14:22

YANBU. Apart from anything else, I was a few weeks pregnant on my hen night and couldn't have joined in with the drinking - the organiser might unwittingly put her in an awkward position.

Jenny70 · 07/03/2013 14:35

Leave it, if Bride wants to have a few drinks and chat to people she'll still have fun - it's not like they've organised anything expensive or outrageous for her to do....

She might not have chosen a night out drinking, but unless she is early days pg or an alcoholic I think you go along with it and hope for the best.

Pigsmummy · 07/03/2013 14:41

How about surprising her with the Hen but offer a few things, easy to do if an evening. Offer night out drinking or restaurant or bowling or....... Pre book a space is a bar and a table in restaurant, bowling lane etc and cancel what you don't need. Then you are putting it in her court and she will be thrilled that you have booked as this shows that thought has gone into it. Make sure that you give a few hours notice for cancellations so as not to piss off restaurant/bar etc

DontmindifIdo · 07/03/2013 14:44

hmm, if you are 100% certain the bride will hate it, then tell her, she could then head this off by arranging her own hen do (whilst keeping up the pretence she doesn't know one's being organised for her) she could invite you all for a low key dinner somewhere if that's more her thing - get her to contact everyone herself to arrange her own event. (Ideally contacting a few of the other guests to get them on side for what she wants to do before the one organising the drinking session event)

If the other plan is just a night out drinking, that's easily cancelled without any expense, and unlikely that anyone will want to do a surprise hen do if the bride has arranged her own.

Plus you can then get the one who's trying to organise the big drinking session on side by saying "well, if the bride wants to go to X restuarant, let's do that first, we can always go for a few drinks afterwards!" and then convienently on the night you can at the end of the meal offer to share a taxi home with the hen rather than carrying on for more drinks if she'd rather do that, leaving those who want a big night out to do so - I would also suggest the bride books a table for more like 8:30pm, officially so everyone has chance to arrive after work/once children are in bed etc, but really so that by the time you've ordered and food arrived, eaten a meal, chatted a bit, it'll be really late, and for most people, if it's got past 11:30pm and they are very full in a comfy chair, they aren't going to be up for then heading back out again...

limedrizzle · 07/03/2013 19:01

Completely agree with don'tmind - if there's a slap up dinner beforehand, it's easier for the bride to make up her own mind. FWIW, my best friend was going to book the Party Bus for my hen, which would entail a huge drinking session. Much as I love her for thinking of me, and however much I might have enjoyed the Party Bus I was glad my sister told me, so she could tell my pal I didn't fancy it. I suffer sporadically with bad anxious/depressive episodes and if I go out on a drinking bender, I know the next week will be hell. In the end, we all had a lovely dinner and all was well!

chirpchirp · 07/03/2013 19:12

YANBU and this is the very reason why I organised my own hen as the thought of a pub crawl covered in L plates is really not my thing.

Also don't think a night out drinking is much of a surprise. I think you should talk to the friend who has organised this and explain again that you really don't think she would enjoy it. How about finding out if there are any local bars that might do a cocktail making class. That way the people who are up for a night of drinking are happy but it's something more social and interactive and more of an event. Would also push for going for a meal.

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