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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told my mother to mind her own business?

47 replies

storminabuttercup · 06/03/2013 16:17

I probably was, but she is driving me crazy.

She is constantly telling me what I 'ought to do'

'you don't want to buy a carpet cleaner you want to get so and so in they only charge x' 5 times last week, I want a carpet cleaner as they need doing a lot with a two year old. Same reason given to DM, so she started telling DP.

'You should go to x and buy new dining room set, there is a sale on, yours is old now' it's old but fine, we can't afford it and see above we have a two year old, when I buy a nice new one I want it to stay that way, no dints where ds has 'crashed' his trucks. Told her we will buy one when we can afford to and we need one, she went to x at the weekend and called DP to tell them they had some lovely ones in.

'You need a shoe rack next to this door, you can buy them for next to nothing' not ones that actually fit and allow the door to still open, it's a narrow space, I've been looking for one but they are all two wide. Phoned DP, there are shoe racks on offer at x.

Im on the 5:2 diet which I explained in detail, 'what are you having for tea' oh I'm having x and x, which is met by a smirk and 'I thought you were on a diet?' With a look that says 'storm has failed again I knew she would'

She called in twice today, went on about fuirnature and her new thing which is getting someone in to wall paper (were having it painted, I don't want wallpaper) I was up to my eyes cleaning, I'd mopped the floor and put the shoes that are usually by the door outside. She called in the second time and I'd replaced the shoes, and I got a 'oh storm, you'd made it look so nice, you don't want to be putting them back there'

I'm afraid I saw red, before she started banging on about the pissing shoe racks in bleeding tescos that are too fucking big I said 'please can you mind your own business, the shoes aren't doing any harm, they don't look messy, they are at the back door, no one else seems to mind, I am getting tired of you constantly telling me what I should do, I'm 30 years old, I have a job, a mortgage and a child, please let me make my own decisions'

To which she stormed out, slammed the door and said she won't be offering me any advice again, ill end up apologising tomorrow, but I need to get it written down.

maybe ill have wine, I'm on a feast day

OP posts:

Beamur · 06/03/2013 18:42

Assertive! That's it.

BitWearyReally · 06/03/2013 18:43

At least she makes suggestions. Conversations with my mum go like this:

Me: we are thinking of decorating DS' room
DM: oh I wouldn't bother
Me: can't wait to do some pots for the garden
DMV: oh I wouldn't bother
Me: must get round to sending a birthday card to x/y/z
Dm: oh I wouldn't bother

Me in my dreams: what would you effin bother with

Yanbu

ToomuchWaternotWine · 06/03/2013 18:51

Do NOT apologise or I will be standing behind Hecate with a wet fish to finish the job.

If she says she's ill, "it's your choice to over react and be hysterical"

If she starts again, give a tinkly laugh and say "I thought we agreed you weren't going to offer more UNNECESSARY advice"

If she ignore you, breathe relax and pour another to celebrate.

She sounds awful. I'd be glad of a break from her tbh.

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 06/03/2013 19:01

Thank you all.

I imagined you'd all say that I should apologised. I think she's conditioned me to believe I should never disagree with her.

This isn't the first time this has happened, she does have MH issues but none of them are because of me, my DS and DF are vile to her, they don't get any of the hassle I get. It's like she wants to disagree and argue as I just keep quiet. (Some might remember my last post about her where they were teaching DS to swear) I stand up when I have to but it just happens again and again.

But you lot have made me realise I shouldn't apologise, so I won't. I also don't want hec to slap me

DP had brought me wine

I'm going to leave the ball in her court.

OP posts:

Nagoo · 06/03/2013 19:05

She won't offer any more advice in future?

DO NOT APOLOGISE.

freddiefrog · 06/03/2013 19:08

YANBU

I get this from my inlaws too.

Any sentence started with the words 'you should.....' is guaranteed to make me see red.

She's currently obsessed with my car. 'you should get something more family friendly'. I have to say, I'm beginning to get fed up with it myself, but sheer bloody mindedness means its staying

quesadilla · 06/03/2013 19:12

I'm amazed you were as restrained as you were. Has she always been that much of a stickybeak? That would drive me insane...

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/03/2013 19:13

Hecate.

purrpurr · 06/03/2013 19:26

If you apologise, I will hunt you down and slap you until your face falls off.
This, so much this. OP, you are my HERO. My mum does this, but she's very good at taking a swift 'no, I'm not doing that', which I started employing after several years of 'oh I see' which seemed to imply I might actually follow the advice...

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 06/03/2013 19:52

Ooh I've never been a hero. Thanks

I've got all assertive today. I've also had a few friends who are making things difficult with something I've organised and I've told them all to sort it their bloody selves and that I'm sorting my own thing!

I've not even opened the wine yet!

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 06/03/2013 19:57

You'll be unstoppable after a glass of red ;)

EllenParsons · 06/03/2013 20:02

I agree with everyone else! Yanbu at all.

chubbychipmonk · 06/03/2013 20:05

I feel your pain, my mums favourite saying are:

'You're not going to like what I'm going to say but I'm saying it anyway. . . ' (usually followed by a well disguised insult)

'Oh you don't need that' (anytime I mention buying nothing new for either myself, DH, DS or the house, this is also closely followed by 'you must have far too much money then')

She also was born without the filter that most people have between thought & mouth that stops most people from saying the first thing that comes into their heads regardless of who it may insult.

I find wine helps!

Xiaoxiong · 06/03/2013 20:13

You're doing brilliantly OP. do not apologise. Ball in her court.

My mother hasn't spoken to me for 3 weeks because I am pregnant with DC2 against her advice. Apparently in her opinion a 2 year age gap is too small.

I'm not calling her first. She will call about something trivial and unrelated soon and pretend nothing ever happened. So predictable.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 06/03/2013 21:11

OP, you did great. Agree that you did well to be so assertive and going against conditioning. You say your DM calls your DP to tell him about shoe racks, furniture etc - how does he respond? I'm assuming he's on your side, in which case teach him to respond a similar fashion with a 'No, Storm and I aren't interested thanks. Must go, bye!'

Ionasky · 06/03/2013 21:30

Yes my mum likes to offer advice but being direct works well, she has definitely gotten better over time - you can tell her it's better you have an honest relationship than not want to see her as much!

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/03/2013 21:33

"To which she stormed out, slammed the door and said she won't be offering me any advice again ... "
Result! And don't you DARE apologise tomorrow!

"My DM will sulk about this for days, ill be accused of treating her like crap, making her ill etc..."
Let her sulk. And if she accuses you of whatever, just tell her it makes a change from her treating you like crap, making you ill etc. STARE HER DOWN, WOMAN!

" my DS and DF are vile to her, they don't get any of the hassle I get."
There's a clue there, storm.

2rebecca · 06/03/2013 21:47

I agree that her deciding not to give you advice should be seen as a positive result. It sounds as though you're seeing too much of her if she called in twice in 1 day and you have a job. Encourage her to get her own life not try and manage yours and make yourself less available. I suspect some physical space between you would improve things.
I'd stop telling her stuff as well. she doesn't need to know you're on a diet it's none of her business. if you choose to tell her about your diet then you make it her business so can't complain when she trys to join in the conversation about your diet by expressing her opinion.
For the unsolicited opinions I'd just keep telling her that it's you and your husband's house and you'll decide what to do together, she has her own house to play with can she stop trying to play with yours. Maybe suggest she joins an adult education class if she's bored and at a loose end.

Original poster

storminabuttercup · 06/03/2013 22:12

Well I've heard nothing tonight.

I do see a bit of her as we live so close. Funnily when I was with abusive ex and I lived 20 miles away she visited once in three years.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/03/2013 00:46

So basically, you're 'on tap' and 'not vile'. Well you're going to have to change one of those factors , so if you don't want to move house, how would your DP feel about becoming really obnoxious to her?

auntpetunia · 07/03/2013 08:19

If anyone else had said all those things wouldn't you have told them to do one sooner? Just coz she's your mum she's got away with it. Don't phone, don't apologise the thought of hec slapping your face should help here,leave her to stew.

BodaciousTatas · 07/03/2013 08:33

We maybe sisters, my mother has been on at me for ages to change my front room around, join the gym, clear out MY garage etc etc.

I smile then I nod.

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