To expect a reply from my cousin?

[allo2101]

Basically my uncle, who was 80, died about six weeks ago. The funeral was massively delayed until two weeks ago and obviously I attended and went to the wake - it's about 80 miles away. I said to my aunt (who isn't the blood relative but I have known her my whole life) that her son, my cousin, who is 46 but has always lived with his parents - don't even go there - should bring her down to see us for Sunday lunch soon..

I phoned my cousin in the evening when we'd got back from the funeral and suggested two dates for lunch, 10th or 24th March and he said lovely, and that he would ring me back the next day to confirm. I've not heard a word! It'll be two weeks tomorrow.

I don't want to ring again and hassle them as it appears they don't really want to come and I know that everyone deals with grief in different ways, but AIBU to expect my cousin to just ring and say "Mum's not up to it," or something similar, just so that I know? I have metastatic breast cancer myself so am not 100% fit and healthy (although doing ok at the moment) and I have hardly any family left, parents both dead and I'm a single mum to two teenage daughters, so don't want to lose touch with the little family I still have.

What to do?

Iamsparklyknickers, yes, they're fully aware of my prognosis. I have been doing ok for quite some time and don't plan on going anywhere yet, although I do feel very tired a lot of the time, I don't dwell on it. My uncle was always on the phone to me and I'm finding it hard to adjust to the lack of contact - there we go, all about me again!!

Another one to say some of the responses to you were unreasonable and harsh. I would leave it a couple of days and then ring up again. I don't think that you are hassling them, you could just ask how they are doing, and then repeat your invitation. Nothing wrong with that. They may have simply forgotten in the mayhem that often follows the death of a close family member.

You've extended a nice offer, I agree remind them that the offer is an open one if those dates don't suit, but leave it there. Give them the benefit of the doubt, I doubt it's a snub - most likely he's just overwhelmed or disorganised. Chin up, it was a very kind thing to do. x

Ha! Quite the one woman show aren't you allo2101

Pick up the phone. I really think it's probably a combination of their grieving and adjusting to life without your uncle, the background of your illness, and a smattering of general life distractions.

Don't get thinking it means something/anything without giving them a little shove in the right direction, it may be that your Uncle had the role of family communicator and without him they're struggling to feel comfortable filling the role.

We're complex little creatures really.

Blimey kinky- what an awful response from you - bit below the belt.

Yes to contacting them again - just ring and ask if either date is okay.

I'm going to phone them in the morning, it's a bit late now. My aunt is older than my uncle was, think she was 83 today. We are all different - when my mum died two years ago I couldn't get enough of seeing people, but they are obviously handling it differently to me. Oh, and before anyone jumps on me, the birthday card didn't say Happy Birthday, it was a blank card and I just wrote Best Wishes for your birthday, all our love etc.

Hello there OP
Sorry to hear about your uncle
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread to relationships for you.
Thanks
MNHQ

How about emailing OP? It is more impersonal but the bonus is if they aren't ready to talk then they'll wait until they are and unless they get over-endulted with emails then they should see it every-time they login.

And just seen your posts on the other side, very sorry to hear you are very ill as well OP and, of course, about your uncle.

Stoic, thank you SO much for posting that, I've been really upset all evening and really was beginning to think I was the bitch for daring to invite someone to lunch!

Mia, I'm afraid my aunt wouldn't know an email from Adam lol and my cousin, even though only 46, isn't much more computer savvy! But I will phone in the morning and let you know how it goes.

Olivia, thanks but its ok here, I just wanted some opinions and boy have I got some!

Have calmed down now and going to catch up with Call the Midwife, probably not the best antidote but oh well

And Stoic, really sorry about your mum and will be thinking of you tomorrow xxx

I reckon call - people often give those grieving respectable time and space and those grieving don't like to bother others while in fact they might like the support and those giving them space would love to give them that support - so keep in touch - offer to go round even for a brew and a chat which might be nice and relaxed.

Many hugs x

allo2101, when my brother died a lot of invitations were extended to me. I know they are still there and ever open. What people may not have realised at the time was that I was virtually prostrate with grief and not really capable of going anywhere; I also had dd who had fallen off the edge and truly traumatised and dh being useless.

What I really did appreciate was the phone calls. Just little chats, letting me know that my wider family hadn't forgotten about me once they'd done the funeral and card and flowers thing, and also giving me a bit of news from time to time about my cousins. Just letting me know that there were still pockets of normality somewhere even if they weren't happening in my universe right then. Demonstrating to me that life goes on, in a very unpressured and unobvious way, I suppose.

I think you sound very caring.

Just an update, phoned my aunt yesterday and she was fairly upbeat on the whole and they're coming to lunch at the end of the month

Thanks for updating. I am so glad about this.

Yay! I am ridiculously happy about that

My mother died 2 months ago. I'm still shit about phoning people back. It is OK if I want to talk when they ring but sometimes I don't.

I'm generally good at replying to e.mail or postal stuff it it the immediacy of phone interaction I don't like.

Could you contact your cousin in a different way?

Yay, I am pleased for you allo

So pleased it's sorted for you allo

Whilst also simultaneously slightly gobsmacked have just seen my post - yep, the one you thanked me for - has been deleted for 'breaking talk guidelines'. For record, I don't think it did but am greatly amused at Kinky dishing out all over you; lobbing you under a bus from behind her screen; then disappearing when a SHEDLOAD of people make clear their views on her vile comments; and THEN reports MY post - uber lol

Thanks everyone. Stoic, I was shocked that your post was deleted Some people can certainly dish it out but can't take it, eh? Anyway, hope everything went as well as possible for you on Wednesday

It did thank you

We (very discretely) filmed & recorded it so that my Mumma's relees on other side of the world could 'be' there (IYKWIM?). And one joy of that is this: soundcloud.com/stream - is my eldest singing (& playing on his guitar) to his lovely Nanny

Was just beautiful.