Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by what this lady said?

26 replies

Skinnywhippet · 04/03/2013 17:35

Friend, quite a few years older than me is talking about her step-daughter. She says she is pleased her daughter had a miscarriage as she thinks it was too soon after her first baby. She seems convinced that babies born closely after their sibling ps have problems. I know people who have had miscarriages, and although I haven't experienced one myself I think that it was a bit of an I thoughtful thing to say. What do you think?

OP posts:
propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 04/03/2013 17:38

I can't think of any examples to support the odd woman's claims amongst the mothers I know.

Midori1999 · 04/03/2013 17:39

It's vile to be glad that anyone had a miscarriage, regardless of the circumstances.

Shutupanddrive · 04/03/2013 17:39

Being pleased that someone has had a miscarriage is just horrible, she sounds awful

Zara1984 · 04/03/2013 17:40

YANBU

talk about evil stepmother Confused

plantsitter · 04/03/2013 17:43

It is insensitive but maybe she is (misguidedly) trying to put a positive spin on things by saying it's for the best.

youfhearted · 04/03/2013 17:45

miscarriages sometimes happen for a reason. and perhaps she was simply trying to be positive.

Svrider · 04/03/2013 17:49

Yanbu
Dreadful Sad

SnotMeReally · 04/03/2013 17:49

pg loss really does bring out the worst in some people - they do spout such crap, though some people are genuinely trying to be nice/helpful but just dont think or put their feet in it

but to be glad someone mc is just sick

lljkk · 04/03/2013 17:55

eek, maybe she just put it badly?
I could see expressing relief because she was worried it was too soon.

I suppose your friend was confiding in you, I don't see it as thoughtless to confide her feelings to you.

CommanderShepard · 04/03/2013 17:57

Not unthoughtful. Vile.

MaryRobinson · 04/03/2013 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pumpkinsweetie · 04/03/2013 18:15

What a vile thing for this woman to have saidSad

PurpleStorm · 04/03/2013 18:32

YANBU.

Horrible thing to say.

PleasePudding · 04/03/2013 20:22

YANBU to think it sounds awful but if she is a friend and she's not usually this harsh then I would hope that maybe she just phrased it badly.

Maybe her step-daughter had been anxious about the timing of the pregnancy and your friend was really concerned for her well-being.

CloudsAndTrees · 04/03/2013 20:27

Did she actually use the word 'pleased'? That does sound horrible, although I agree she might have just phrases what she was thinking badly.

If she was generally saying that she thinks it's maybe for the best, then I can understand that sentiment when the pregnancy may have brought difficulties.

Original poster
Skinnywhippet · 04/03/2013 21:11

Yes, she did say the word pleased. She was so flippant about it and I tried not to be shocked. She is in her 50s and childless herself out of choice so maybe she just can't empathise. Glad it wasn't just me being over sensitive.

Is there actually any medical proof that having children close together with a small break is bad for the health of the child or is she just uttering total balony?

OP posts:
EntWife · 04/03/2013 21:31

It its my understanding it is not to great for the health of the mother but has no effect on the baby.

sadbuthopeful · 16/11/2014 03:28

Hello I'm new here, I recently miscarried and feel quite lost at the moment. I was searching on mums net for other mums who have had a similar experience. I keep seeing the miscarriage board mentioned, what is that and how do I find it?. Thank you

ILovedYouYesterday · 16/11/2014 03:32

Hi there, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Board is here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage

Custardo · 16/11/2014 03:33

I don't want your message to go unanswered. I'm on a Kindle and so navigation is utter shite. Will try and find it and come back

Custardo · 16/11/2014 03:33

Aha already done I see

sadbuthopeful · 16/11/2014 03:34

Oh thank you very much. Gosh that was quick!

CrazyOldBagLady · 16/11/2014 03:46

I think your friends needs to learn that some thoughts are better left in your head!

differentnameforthis · 16/11/2014 04:17

I was pleased when a woman in my family had a miscarriage.

She was 20. Had already lost her 4yr old & baby to her father because she drank, did drugs, had various parties where the older child saw things she not have to see. The baby was at the age that she should have been able to sit up & feed herself, yet she could do neither. She couldn't even grasp a toy. The woman made no attempt to turn herself around during her assessment period (if she had, she could have won her children back)

She miscarried during her assessment period, while deciding that continued drink/drug use & partying was more important than the children she lost, or the baby she was carrying.

She lost those children to her father permanently.

I don't think that makes me vile or sick, if you think it does then, then perhaps you need to assess why someone should be allowed to continually have children they have no way of looking after & don't care about!

I can see the difference in circumstance here. No, it isn't a nice thing to be glad someone has lost a baby and I am not suggesting that the case I know of is the same as the case here, but I have a valid reason to be thankful that baby wasn't born, doesn't make me anything other than concerned for the baby!

Bulbasaur · 16/11/2014 04:24

She says she is pleased her daughter had a miscarriage

No more needs to be said after this point.

YANBU.

It's one thing to be relieved, such as differentname's situation. But it's another thing entirely to be happy about something like that.