Advising MIL

[WishIdbeenatigermum]

Mil, 75 is having back and pelvic problems, bloating and lack of appetite. All the classic ovarian cancer symptoms, basically. We're not close, very different but I love her and we all get on well. I only heard about the symptoms yesterday and as far as I know she's had a physio referral and although usually v stoical is in paina and not eating.
She has no daughters 2 lovely but quite unemotional sons and no partner.
WIBU to send the following email?

Dear mil
Hope you are feeling better and that you enjoyed your day with Bil and family. We saw them yesterday pre football and had a lovely time.
I've been worried about your back and other symptoms and hope you'll feel better soon. Can ask your Dr to screen you for other things- blood tests for ovarian cancer? Anecdote about mutual friend who harried her mum's dr to investigate similar problems. I remember her saying always insist on investigations for back problems in ladies 'of a certain age'.
I hope I haven't upset you. I wanted to catch you before Bill got there so if I'd knocked you off beam you'd have company- but this is too important to wait for the perfect moment!
Lots of love,
Dil

Could you call her instead?

I would also do it by phone. But lovely of you to be thinking of her :)

I wouldn't say that kind of thing by email.

But itmwuld be a good idea to call

Agree re phoning her. It's hard to do it in an email and get the tone right, plus as we all know emails can be misread or misunderstood. Even better given you're not close is there anyone else she trusts and is close to who could broach it?

Also, and please tell me if this is inappropriate, if she has a good relationship with her GP could you voice concerns with them and see if they can coax her in for a health MOT which could incorporate some screening?

Do you live closer? Face to face is much better or at least phone. You are family, just come out with it.

I'd call her, and I wouldn't say the words ''ovarian cancer'', just suggest she gets some blood tests done. Those are the symptoms of various other things as well, no need for you to worry yourself or her until you have some results.

I would call and maybe just mention ovarian cancer amongst other things rather than as the main thrust of what you say. Concentrate on how important it is to really follow up on these types of symptoms as a woman of any age. I had an ovarian cyst that went undiagnosed until it was rugby ball sized. Luckily I was young and it was benign but doctors generally, imo, don't take these types of symptoms as seriously as they should.

Yes to bringing up ovarian cancer.

No to email.

Thank you so much, all of you.
She lives alone and I didn't want to give her something to worry about, and no support- hence my calling this am, but bil was already there and she couldn't talk. I'll call tomorrow first thing- she can get straight to gp, rather than stewing overnight.
Ideally I'd talk face to face, but I couldn't get to her until next weekend. No one else closer to talk to-DH, her son, would probably not get the message across, with maximum embarrassment!

Face to face or phone is better than email.

Make sure someone who will push, push, push for proper tests is around. DP was in agony with all sorts of odd symptons before anyone took him seriously.

He still felt guilty about wasting the doctors' time, right up to the point they found the tumour and diagnosed cancer. Lucky for him, it's under control now.

That's the problem. There's no one around to push. I'll call in the morning and do my best- 'have you asked for blood tests and scans?'

I'd also ask - have you told the GP exactly the issues you're having? Even if she says yes, I'd list them... Have you told GP about the X? And the Y And the Z?

Quote from the eve appeal if you need: If you regularly experience any of these symptoms, which are not normal for you, it is important that you see your GP. It is unlikely that your symptoms are caused by a serious problem, but it is important to be checked out.

Maybe get her to make a list of her issues - even if 'only' 3x bullet points - as it is really easy to go in and say 'I've had back pain", then get side-tracked on that, and not mention the other symptoms. You'd hope the GP would ask, but they might not.

Hope it goes well: the convo and for your MIL.

Ask bil to tell you when he arrives and then call and speak to mil.

Maybe tell bil your suspicions and that you're happy to talk to mil.

Can you offer to see the dr with her?

Yes, I was about to say that. "How about if I come with you to the doctor, so that you've got some support?"

If I had two boys (lovely as they are) I would be glad of a daughter in law who was looking out for me.

Just called. It was good in that I didn't offend or scare her, but I'm not sure she got my gist. She's seeing a physio tomorrow, so I'll call again to find out how it went and suggest a GP trip too!