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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give DH an ultimatum re: MIL

23 replies

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 10:49

This is already a done deal, so not sure why I'm asking.

Guilt and maybe guidance about what to do next.

DH and I have been married for 5 years, together for 12, 3 kids almost 5, 3, 8 months.

Live (always have) quite far from MIL. In fact it's not that far in miles, but it is a long, frustrating journey.

We visit maybe twice a year at the moment. Stay for a few days to a week.

DH's relationship with his mother baffles me. He rarely phones her. But when they get together they are thick as thieves and stay up half the night drinking wine and chatting.

DH is very lazy socially. That's my wife work - I make pretty much all the effort in terms of keeping in touch with people. Most of his friends contact me if they want to see him etc.

I have never (as a matter of policy) done this with his family. I think he needs to maintain his own relationship with his Mum and sister and the rest.

But it's so fucking annoying. He never bothers to ring and it's mortifying that they hardly ever hear from us. And and and they're my family too. And my kids deserve a closer relationship with their Granny, auntie, cousins.

So yesterday I told him that I sometimes thought about just taking over contact with his family too if he continued to be so rubbish. It wasn't delivered as a threat, but it kind of was one.

I feel like a bitch for basically saying "you are shit to your Mum, I'm taking over."

He doesn't want me to do that. And I won't. He says he'll make more effort to be in touch with her regularly. He says he'll phone once a week. I don't believe he will.

And it's not really my business to say how often they should talk.

ARGHGHHH! Other people's families are so confusing.

OP posts:

fluckered · 03/03/2013 10:55

why are you so worried over their relationship. whats stopping you have contact with her and bringing the kids or making sure they are in each other's lives. i dont get it. where is the problem? why cant you ring her and have a chat or stay in touch.

Original poster

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 10:58

I'm afraid (with good reason) that if I do that he will stop bothering to contact her entirely.

But you're probably right. Maybe it really is as simple as that.

OP posts:

CwtchesAndCuddles · 03/03/2013 10:59

If you want to have a better relationship with your mil then why not call her when you want a chat - I don't see why it has to be a designated job!
I have a good relationship with my mil because we both make an effort to maintain it - your relationship with your mil is for you to maintain, your dh can sort out his own relationships.
As you pointed out your in laws are your family too.

aldiwhore · 03/03/2013 11:00

Can you change it? Given what you're prepared or not to do, then you can't, so think of it no more. It's the only way to preserve sanity.

Every family is different. I only see my extended in-laws at funerals, and we all get along very well, but in between deaths, there's nothing. I do not feel guilty... although I do send Xmas Cards (they just happen to be on 'the' list and I enjoy the downtime that writing cards entails).

I AM very involved with my FIL's care, but it matches DH's effort, he's good with him but often unable to put in the day to day hours due to work.

I think YAB a little U in that your DH's mother enjoys the time she spends with her son, doesn't hold his lack of coms against him (or you I assume?) so you can't force your DH to change.

My DH is rubbish with friends, but his friends are equally rubbish, however, there may be a lot to be said for that, they've been friends for 30 years plus! I do, like you, most of the friendship upkeep, BUT it's because I want to and they're now my friends too. I don't bother with the ones I don't like.

It IS frustrating, but it's a waste of energy to get cross about it.

LindyHemming · 03/03/2013 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 11:06

"I don't bother with the ones I don't like."

Me neither. It's a bit shit for him though. He likes them presumably.

Thank you though. That's really helpful.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 03/03/2013 11:07

Think you're being a bit ridiculous in making a big deal over this, tbh. ExP has always been shit at contacting his family, always, from when we are together to now, even though his dad has died in that time, and he felt guilty about not getting in touch... Nothing changed.

I contact exILs at least once a week, because they deserve to be kept up to date with what DS is doing, and I know exP won't.

So if you want to call and speak to them, then do it, but no point laying on a guilt trip to your H as he won't change.

AMumInScotland · 03/03/2013 11:07

I think you have to separate out the issue into different chunks -

If you care about the children having a relationship with their grandmother, and you think DH is useless at it, then you may well need to deal with it yourself - it seems as though you vaue this more than he does.

If he isn't bothered aout contacting her frequently for his own sake, I think you have to accet that and leave him to it - some families are just not that close, in terms of being in contact or seeing each other. If they get on fine when they do meet, and neither of them is desperately unhappy, then I think you have to accept they are just like that, whether it perplexes you or not.

Original poster

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 11:15

No, I'm not his parent.

But I am her grandchildren's parent.

That's really what I would be taking over. Her relationship with them.

But I get that that's a bit "won't somebody please think about the children."

OP posts:

Original poster

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 11:20

X-posted AMum - yes, you are right.

I am realising that there are two issues here.

I don't really make a big deal of this. It just makes me sad.

And occasionally I am bossy, eg "you have to go over and see your mother while she has treatment for cancer. You can't leave it all to your sister."

Seriously, he is that crap. I love him, but WTAF?!

OP posts:

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 03/03/2013 11:28

Does she make any effort to contact him? You? Your children?

Snorbs · 03/03/2013 11:32

You are looking at the way he is choosing to conduct his relationship with his mother. You are judging the way he does it as "wrong" and the way that you would do it as "right" for no reason other than the way he chooses to do it is different to you.

You don't own him, you don't own his mother, and you certainly don't have the right to dictate how their relationship should work.

Flojobunny · 03/03/2013 11:34

I was about to ask that too. Does mil make any effort to contact you? Your dh? Or the dc?
YABU, he's a grown man, and you are making a fuss about nothing.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/03/2013 11:44

If they're your family too, and you want more contact with them, then what's the harm in you making arrangements with them? You would be getting what you want. Then when your DH wants to see them, he makes the arrangement when he wants.

You are creating an issue where none exists. It's not that hard for both of you get get in contact, it doesn't have to be either/or.

AngelaMartinLipton · 03/03/2013 11:46

It sounds to me like his relationship with his family works for them. If THEY think he is crap at getting in touch or not pulling his weight, they should sort that out. They are all adults and you don't need to intevene imho.

He should foster a better relationship for his children with his family. How would you like to see your DC's relationship with their grandparents improve? Is this something you and your DH could agree on? If you agree YOU should manage this then fine.

I want my DS to have a better relationship with his GPs and his parent it is my responsibility to encourage this. We live a few hours apart. They aren't interested and so I can do is let them know they are welcome to visit/ come to school events/ arrange to visit them. You may be the only one unhappy with the current arrangement.

AngelaMartinLipton · 03/03/2013 11:49

Sorry it all went a bit wrong first time.

It sounds to me like his relationship with his family works for them. If THEY think he is crap at getting in touch or not pulling his weight, THEY should sort that out. They are all adults and YOU don't need to intevene imho.

I want my DS to have a better relationship with his GPs and as his parent, it is my responsibility to encourage this. We live a few hours apart and see each other a few times a year. They aren't interested. At this stage, all I can do is let them know they are welcome to visit/ come to school events/ arrange to visit them. You may be the only one unhappy with the current arrangement.

stoatie · 03/03/2013 11:50

It wouldn't bother me if you contacted my parents but I don't feel that you have to be in constant contact to have good relationships. We used to live near my in laws - saw them every Sunday, only had phone contact with my parents but then children would go and stay with them for week sleepovers in holidays.

If anything the children had a better relationship with my parent s than inlaws they saw every week.

We have now moved so nearer to my parents (but don't visit on weekly basis - more like monthly) and visit inlaws perhaps twice a year (although MIL rings OH every Sunday - rarely speaks to children). However the children still have a great relationship with all their grandparents - the distance and infrequent contact does not seem to affect this. I was concerned that DD2 (born after we moved) would hardly know the inlaws yet this is not the case.

I would be miffed (putting it mildly) if I was being nagged by my OH as to when I should contact my parents!

Original poster

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 11:52

She does all the contacting other than when he rings to tell her we are coming to visit.

It can take weeks for him to return her calls.

But no, she doesn't ring that frequently either.

"you certainly don't have the right to dictate how their relationship should work."

Yes, Snorbs, that's where I am with this most of the time.

But I am aware of things like "a son's just a son 'til he gets a wife" from MN and I wonder if just accepting that this is how they are is just me taki g the easy route.

I also know him very well, and he is rueful about his laziness in this regard.

But I take your point. When I think "I would be so hurt if my son..." I will remind myself that she is not me and probably feels differently.

OP posts:

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 03/03/2013 11:52

My DH is like this with his mum and she lives literally 2 minutes walk up the road. But she is as bad as him. The last time all saw each other was Christmas Day. It baffles me but I just let DH get in with it, or not.

VioletStar · 03/03/2013 11:57

I tried this with DH and his parents. (They are divorced). See MIL lots, and phone calls etc. FIL found it odd that I rang and updated him and his wife. Often they couldn't wait to get off phone - busy with other things and not really interested in GC.

Nowadays we see MIL and speak with her often. DH rings his Dad once in a blue moon and that's how they like it. I feel I have done my best as a mum/DIL to help my DC see their grandparents. The rest has been up to them.
BTW he grew up with his dad, not his mum! Go figure!

maddening · 03/03/2013 13:05

I'd set up a weekly skype with all of you and mil.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/03/2013 13:38

When I went to uni and subsequently moved in to my own place, I was under orders (from my mum) to ring home every week.

All it ever did was make me feel like an infant.

Now with my mother deceased I now longer have someone moaning at me to ring up, have a chat etc. I can finally be an adult about contact and my life.

OP "When I think "I would be so hurt if my son..."" remember that he is a person in his own right and as long as he loves you, he shouldn't have to fing on demand.

babybythesea · 03/03/2013 14:10

I've done it!

DH loves his family but is crap at keeping in touch.

I made a decision that DD needed the relationship with her grandparents so I manage it. DH wants it, but he's just a bit lazy and crap and I don't see why DD should miss out on knowing grandparents (who are fantastic people) because of it.

So I'm the one that emails with latest news etc. I mostly talk about DD. If DH wants them to know what he's doing he can tell them! It's slightly different because we live on the other side of the world to them so visits never come up, but I do the organising for Skype sessions etc. I do make sure DH is going to be here so he can talk to them if he wants to but I do it to give them a chance to speak to DD. I don't tell him when to ring them or anything like that - I just send them updates on DD.

I don't mind though. I like them, especially my MIL and I enjoy talking to her so it's not an onerus duty. And she doesn't seem to feel that I'm taking over her relationship with her son. Before we were together, he'd failed to contact them for over a year while he was travelling. She says ruefully that at least now she knows basically where he is and what he's doing, and every so often she says "Can you remind him his mother would like to hear from him once in a while?" So I do. But I don't tell him when or how often to get in touch. I just email them (or Skype them) when I want to tell them about something DD's doing. And as I say, I am really fond of my MIL and we get along well so we have a bit of a laugh about the hopelessness of DH in the contact department and then chat about other things.

He's the same with me. He often goes away on a business trip and I don't hear from him from the moment he leaves the house until he walks in the door again. I don't mind. It's just who he is.

Hope that makes sense.

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