To contact his mum about child support

[Penguinnose]

My stbh has been messing around with child maintenance. He has a history of being emotionally abusive and had an affair while we were married that I just found out about although I haven't told him I know as he will just blow up at me or 'punish' me in some way for mentioning it and probably deny it too.

Anyway, for the last 2 months he has given me half what we agreed (which is less than csa would ask him to give) saying he can't afford to give me more. He had a good job and I can't believe he is really struggling but I don't know for sure. Last week he went away with ow for the weekend. She is only 18 and he claims she paid for the trip.

I then asked him to arrange a direct debit at the start of the month as he doesn't want to go through the 'CSA' but he says he forgot and would give me cash. A week after he'd been paid still nothing despite me asking (which I hate to do as I feel I am begging and he is doing me some kind of favour).

Last night I sent him a text asking if he could bring the money with him today when he sees ds. He said fine then turned up this morning saying he can't afford to give me anything as e is skint but I can have his old iPhone if I want as j need a new one!?

Anyway, his mum is a lovely reasonable person who, I'm sure has no idea about the games he is playing.

Aibu to consider asking her to speak to him about it or should I just go straight To csa? I'm worried he will mess me around through the csa and I will get no maintenance at all.

Phew!

Don't involve his mum. For a start, she can't make him pay up if he doesnt want to, and it might affect your relationship with her.

Go straight to the CSA, if he doesnt pay then they can take it direct from his wages.

Go straight to csa. He is a grown up and you shouldn't be telling his mum. If you go to csa and he moans to his mum you could then let his mum know why you had to resort to that.

He sounds ghastly. Yes, go to the CSA and then you can refuse to discuss maintenance with him directly. Otherwise you'll have this sort of bullshit forever. Involving his Mum allows him to carry on behaving like a child.

Thankyou for that! You are right I guess. I would probably be doing it in anger. He plays the part of the doting father but nobody knows about all the visits he misses or is late for and the fact that he is not supporting his son. It makes me so angry. All I want is for him to support him and see him when he says he will. He seems to want to make things as difficult as he can.

Another vote for the CSA here. You have given him more than enough chances.

I third the CSA vote.

You will make things worse if you involve his mother. Go straight to the CSA. If your mum asks you how things are going, you could tell her, but I wouldn't contact her just to inform her that he's being so ridiculous. It won't achieve anything.

If he misses visits, you need to keep a diary of what was agreed and what actually happened. If he takes you to court for some bullshit withholding contact thing, this will really help.

Thanks for posting the diary is a great idea crucru, Thankyou. I've started one now backdated to half term as before that I can't remember clearly. Just wish we could all get on with it. He has a new girlfriend now and I just don't understand why he bothers trying to make life hard for me. Shouldn't he just be off being all live up somewhere and then come and enjoy the visits with his son?

Csa

Yeah, but Penguinnose? The dude is a dickhead and therefore has to behave like one.

The advantage of the CSA is that when he shouts at you about maintenance, you can say that it's now between him and them and you won't discuss it.

Don't try to understand him. Just go to the CSA. That's what I eventually had to do when my ex stopped the maintenance.

Better to get it on a formal footing and don't get wrapped up in his game playing.

Go straight o the CSA.

Another straight to csa you don't need to inform him they will if he tries to get into it with you just say its now being dealt with by the csa and he can take it up with them.

Oh and ask them to collect payments

Another vote for the CSA - I know people complain but they were great for me when I finally snapped after 5 years of promises. Process didn't take as long as I thought and if he is employed it is much easier (I mean rather than self-employed).

If he is a complete dick-head he will try to claim reductions on the basis that he has DS for a certain number of overnights, so that diary idea can help you prove the reality of the situation.

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