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AIBU?

to think that I should be able to go into a bar without being sexually assaulted?

187 replies

BubblegumPie · 03/03/2013 02:59

I am quite drunk so sorry for any typos/incomprehensible..ness

I have just been on a rare night out with DH. DH is a music journalist and I went with him to a gig he was reviewing, we had a lovely night and then joined some friends from another band in a different bar after the gig.

I bought us a drink and then as the bar was packed I held my drink up high so that I didn't spill it on anyone, as I walked past a man, he groped my breast. I threw my drink in his face and asked him what he thought he was playing at, he laughed in my face so I slapped him (I don;t normally condone violence, but I guess my emotions overtook my reasoning) his friend then poured a drink over me, so I chucked what was left of mine over him and gave them both a piece of my mind. They both and the women with them went on to laugh at me and make fun of me.

DH and band were very supportive and kind and I felt really daft because I ended up crying and being comfroted by the lead singer of the band.

AIBU to think that I should be able to walk through a bar and not be fucking groped by some random cunt?? I don't think I am!!!! Urgh, just needed to get this off my chest before I got to sleep.

OP posts:

Report

BinksToEnlightenment · 03/03/2013 13:02

Some of you have really bad attitudes.

I too have been groped and I have thrown my drink over them, taken their drink off them to throw over them and gone to the bar to buy another drink and thrown that over them. Good on you, OP! I'm sorry that you were in that situation but good on you for sticking up for yourself.

Also YY means thumbs up.

MomaP · 03/03/2013 13:02

OP, Your DH is better than mine!
Mine would of gone and battered the bastard!

WhatsTheBuzz · 03/03/2013 13:16

because,
I have been personally insulted by at least two posters on this thread.
Now, this isn't really my problem though I haven't stooped to that
level. My opinion remains that the guy was a cunt and deserving of a
pint over his head. However, if you think that a man who hits a woman is
wrong then you should think the same about a woman hitting a man in the
same situation.

BubblegumPie · 03/03/2013 13:25

Hi, I've woken up now!

I'm pleased to see all the shocked/angry responses at the man's actions.

I'm just going to clarify what happened now I'm sober, as a few people have been confused by my op.
i bought myself and my husband a drink, we were both holding our own drinks. DH walked ahead of me towards his friends. The bar was incredibly full which meant that as I was squeezing through crowds and to avoid spilling my drink on anyone as I passed them, I tried to hold it above my head. This is when the man, who was a total stranger, groped my breast. As a knee jerk reaction, I chucked my drink in his face, when he laughed at me I felt really impotent and humiliated so, rightly or wrongly I hit him, (I am actually unsure as to whether I actually hit him or just pushed him, I wrote last night that I slapped him but I have an image in my mind now of pushing) then as I was challenging him on his actions, his friend tipped a drink down my top, so I threw my drink over him and had a go at him. At this point, the whole group (2 women, 2 men) were all laughing and mocking me.
I then made my way over to DH and friends, I tried to tell DH what had happened, but he couldn't hear me well over the music and thought someone had bumped into me and spilled my drink over me.
DH went to the loo not long after this and I suddenly felt really overwhelmed and started crying, the singer from the band saw me, and took me to a quieter part of the bar to ask what was wrong, I told him, he was disgusted with the man and very kind. As was the bouncer when I left and DH has been very supportive and feels awful that he didn't understand what I was saying. All three were willing to challenge the man on his behaviour, but as I said in op the groping man and friends had left by the time I had got myself together.

Thanks to all the replies, even the ones challenging me on my reaction, as I said, I don't condone violence and it didn't get me anywhere. the correct thing to do would have been to get a photo of the man and go straight to the bouncer/manager/police. But how many of us think logically in this kind of situation? I don't think what I did was wrong, but it was not ideal.

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/03/2013 13:34

Glad you're doing OK OP

BubblegumPie · 03/03/2013 13:35

I have contacted the bar to ask if they got it on CCTV. Fingers crossed they have, can't stand the idea of him walking around telling his mates this hilarious story about this and thinking it's perfectly ok to sexually assault people.

OP posts:

ChairmanWow · 03/03/2013 13:39

Hope you're feeling okay Bubblegum. I've been in your situation on several occasions in my youth and have reacted in similar ways. I don't think you were unreasonable in the slightest. Anyone who has been in your situation will know how powerless and humiliated it leaves you feeling. Lashing out is a natural response and frankly the nasty bastard completely deserved it. I think very few women, in the wake of being sexually assaulted in a loud, busy environment after a few drinks would calmly get their phone out and take a photo.

Sounds like you're not letting some of the more negative comments get to you and not should you.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/03/2013 13:40

Could you not get your DH to write up an article about this and try and get various bands involved.

Turn something nasty in to something proactive.

amillionyears · 03/03/2013 13:41

Well done BubblegumPie

BubblegumPie · 03/03/2013 13:42

That's a good idea Boney, I'll ask him.

OP posts:

Remotecontrolduck · 03/03/2013 13:45

This is just disgusting. I don't drink alcohol so rarely am in pubs and clubs at night but no one should be subject to this. I'm amazed at how widespread it is, and how you've been criticised for defending yourself in a way which was probably unwise looking back, but we all do unwise things in a vulnerable position.

I hate how no one ever properly tackles this sort of sexual assault. Police need to take this seriously. We need to promote the message that it is NEVER acceptable to touch someone sexually without their permission.

Mia4 · 03/03/2013 14:51

Birdsgottafly actually one of the bouncers is female and has given a 'working over' to a woman that tried to glass another woman in the past so they're equal opportunities. Personally i think the police should be called but at the end of the day if you hit someone or grope someone then be prepared for a reaction-whatever it may be. Those men deserved what they got, they weren't maimed or humiliated, they were given a beating yes but i hope their bruises and dented pride makes them think twice. My friend suffers from anxiety and getting her to go out was a massive step and their assault was a massive set back that had her extremely upset and too freaked out to go anywhere for months after.

Personally if it were my son or daughter and they behave that way and someone smacks them down for it, tough shit. I'd hate it but people that do that sort of thing are nothing more then bullies who think they are entitled too and can do it because people will grit their teeth and put up with it. Getting slapped or punched a few times would teach them a lesson and make them think twice. Yes, being glassed or maimed would be grossly disproportionate and fucking horror if but a few slaps and punches, serves them right.

Goldenbear · 03/03/2013 15:20

BubblegumPie, good on you! At the end of the day sexual assault is a violent crime and a hostile act and as such you acted in self defence. If this had happened to you in a dark alley way with only the attacker present and no audience to humiliate you, those suggesting you shouldn't have hit him would I'm sure say you acted in self defence. The context is different but the crime is the same.

Good luck with the CCTV.

edam · 03/03/2013 15:27

self defence and the current law, which the government is proposing to change to give people even more rights to defend themselves.

edam · 03/03/2013 15:28

This is the bit that applies to the OP's circumstances: 'The Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008 enshrines the right of people to use ?reasonable force? to protect themselves, others or property. Any act of self-defence, for example against a burglar, must be ?reasonable in the circumstances? as perceived by the victim.'

BubblegumPie · 03/03/2013 15:30

Thankyou edam that's very useful. I will hopefully be quoting that to the police soon. I am still waiting to hear back from the bar.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 03/03/2013 15:38

bubblegumpie I have no issue with you at all, and hope that by pointing out my opinion on self preservation you didn't think I thought you were as bad as the offender. Like you say, being wise and reacting doesn't always happen at the same time.

I just couldn't join in with the 'well done' wishers without pointing out that this isn't something to be advised in that situation, even if it's understandable, proportionate, legal and instinctive!

I think you're right in contacting the bar regarding the CCTV, BUT (because I have to say it) the footage, because of your reaction/camera angles etc., may not look as cut and dry as you say it was (and I believe you by the way) - another reason not to react violently... better from an evidential point of view.

I hope you're okay anyway, it really REALLY is upsetting when it happens.

Fleecyslippers · 03/03/2013 15:45

The OP posted after being sexually assaulted.
A lot of people on this thread need to do some serious work on their attitudes towards sexual assaults on women

OP I hope you are ok.

MechanicalTheatre · 03/03/2013 15:52

YANBU OP

I once wore a sleeveless top to a gig. I got groped so much from behind that I left.

alistron1 · 03/03/2013 15:59

When I was 19 I was out with DP one night in a quiet little pub. I went to the loo and on my way back to our table a bloke put his hand down the front of my top.

My reaction was similar to the OP - I slapped him. He was with a group who thought it was hilarious. One woman in the group told me that I was out of order for over reacting.

I can't explain how violated and humiliated I felt at that point, and yes - in that situation a fright/flight response takes over.

flippinada · 03/03/2013 16:14

The OP was assaulted. She comes on upset looking for a bit of support and you get the usual dullards and victim blamers wading in with their dim witted commentary.

Bubblegum you were not unreasonable and I'm really sorry you had such an awful experience.

flippinada · 03/03/2013 16:23

It's a sad commentary on our society that peoples knee jerk reaction is to tell off someone who's been assaulted for a)not reacting correctly and b)making a show of herself.

Crawling · 03/03/2013 16:24

I worked in a pretty rough nightclub and this used to happen at least once a weekend to me.

The worst of the events was when I was cleaning the mens toilet a man followed me in and stuck a needle to my throat. I stood up slowly and he shut the door. He said there was crack in there and that it was dirty. He said if I screamed or tried to get away hed plunge it in my neck.

He undid my blouse and started fumbbling with my trousers then he thrust his tongue in my mouth and as he did the needle slipped so I bit his tongue. There was loads of blood and while he was disoriented I grabbed the back of his head and slammed it into the wall and ran out.

I was so hysterical the bouncer just threw him out not realising how far he had actually gone. I dont think its right for men to grope women but I doubt police would do much. I constantly had hands on my bum and boobs when I was bending to get glasses or bottles.

Crawling · 03/03/2013 16:28

But my mum and dp made me stop working there after that as I was 18 and early stages of pg at the time.

flippinada · 03/03/2013 16:31

Crawling what a horrific thing to happen. Thank goodness you got out of there ok.

Flip

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